God, why did you lead me to medical school? Did our signals get crossed, and I was supposed to do something else?
God, why do I feel alone?
God, when will I finally feel like I'm doing something for your kingdom?
God, why are relationships so hard?
God, why did you make me like you did? You really love me???? Are you sure? Because I don't love myself. I hate the way I look. I hate the things I say. I hate the ugliness of my heart. I hate the way I feel. I just don't feel fit for serving You.
I know the drill. Search for God, talk with God, find contentment. He is there. He does love you and uses the most unlikely person to fulfill His work. But do you have those days that drag to weeks that lead to months of feeling a million miles from God? Satan's work for sure, but sometimes it feels so real and so truthful it is hard to remember there is a creator who loves and adores me. It becomes a battle to look in the mirror, because all I see is failure. Failure to extend grace to others. Failure to stop gossiping. Failure to be patient. Failure to be beautiful. It is a never-ending struggle to be confident and believe I have purpose for God's kingdom.
I have a feeling I'm not alone. I think a lot of women are plagued with these same battles. We second guess our station in life and compare it to other women. Am I doing it right, or is she? How many times have you found yourself there? In the deep dark pit of Satan's lies? In a pit that feels like you will never crawl out? It doesn't help that we put on a our best around others. We don't share our struggles. We don't let our guard down. We put on our Sunday best and pretend like all is well in the world. Believe me, I feel like I'm there every stinking day. Especially lately.
Then of course Satan likes to run with those feelings and tell us they aren't significant. God doesn't care about my feelings, when people around the world are suffering unimaginable injustices. He doesn't have time to hear about my insignificant complaints when other people are praying for food, shelter, and freedom. Who am I?
I'm in need of a breath of life to remind me of my purpose. Here is my current favorite worship song. It's repetitive, but powerful.
