"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
And he withdrew from them about a stone's throw, and knelt down and prayed, saying, "Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.' Luke 22:41-42.
After the misfortunes I've had so far in 2014, I have been meditating on what it truly means to know God's calling for my life. I thought I knew, because I had prayed and meditated for months about what He wanted from my life. Did I misread the message? Did I make the message into what I wanted it to be? Worst of all, did I limit God and His plan for my life? I've been back to the questioning part of why me, what now, is my life supposed to look radically different than I had thought. It's been a big pill to swallow, because I thought I had been following God all along. I read through Job and thought about all that was taken from him in a short period of time, and for the first time in my life I could actually relate to what it meant to have multiple things ripped from my life suddenly. I've been hurt and mad, but I've had to stop and remember that God doesn't deserve my wrath. I've had to repeatedly tell myself, "Even if it NEVER gets better and even if life is NEVER as good as it was, will I allow myself to be taken over by bitterness and scorn God or will I get on my knees and pray that God would help me still praise Him if the storm never ends in this lifetime? Which will it be?". I've had people say the typical, "Oh you'll back and realize it made you stronger" or "Oh, you will look back and laugh and realize it wasn't that bad." God is a faithful God and he never forsakes us, BUT God never promises and easy life on Earth or that life won't be full of hurt. There is no guarantee that my life will ever get better or go back to the way it was, but that doesn't qualify me for a get-out-of-jail-free card to quit praising Jesus. Will I let the Devil win so easily?!
It's been a humbling few months, but it has brought me back to a place I prayed for God to bring me back to. I never even realized that until now, but I prayed for the past few years for Him to take me back to the days I had little material possessions but my heart yearned to make a difference. If I wasn't working then I was at church or out building relationships, instead of being holed up inside with my t.v. and air conditioned house. I could write a book on the woes of 2014, but the year started with my husband's car breaking down and us thinking the motor was shot, which if you don't know is really expensive to fix! Then within a week we had a minor fire in an electrical outlet and had to pay a few hundred to have an electrician fix some things. Then our dryer broke, and we had to buy a new dryer. To top it off, two of our dogs were fighting off recurrent nasty ear infections that cost us a pretty penny in vet bills. I didn't freak out too bad during that mess of a month, and God provided for us in that time in ways I didn't know was possible. I guess that was only a warm-up.
You've already heard about March Madness. No, not the basketball tournament, but my residency match that turned into residency not-match. It was an upset for sure and came as a complete surprise to my husband and I. This was the beginning of the real challenge. I hadn't been that depressed and defeated for some time. We secured a job for me, but Robert is still looking for a ministry position. We've been working on our house like crazy to sell it, and that's come with some ups and lots of downs. We had the refrigerator debacle of April, that turned into one broke fridge, that turned into paying a guy who couldn't fix it, that turned into buying one off Craiglist, that became the fridge that was doing exactly what our broken was doing- NOT WORKING, that then turned into buying a 3rd fridge off Craigslist. Multiple rounds of groceries ruined and some money spent, and the Strong's have a working brand new fridge that they got for a fraction of the price (because that's how the Lord operates!). I've had multiple melt-downs how we are possibly going to be able to get a house sold, projects paid for, move, and find Bob a job. God has shown me His provision during this time, and we've had some generous donations from our church family that I could never even begin to tell them how much we appreciate the way they take care of my family. Bob and I are a bit proud and we don't ask for help too often, but God knew what we needed and we were able to buy a working fridge because God spoke to a family that they were supposed to help us financially. I don't typically share about the gifts people give us, because I think it's a bit rude and also because our church family is ALWAYS giving to us so it'd take me all day to tell you every little thing. But seriously, that was such a God moment that when we got that gift I about burst into tears, and I'm not a cryer!
I've had a lot of moments of bitterness about getting rid of material possessions as well. I knew I would need to downsize for a 14 hr move and a smaller house, but I've also been getting rid of stuff to help financially for a move. Feeling forced to sell my possessions stirred up some madness and jealousy, because other people get to keep their nice things while I have to sell my used frugal furniture I waited years to buy. I love my crazy vintage stuff! Cleansing out my house and possessions, was fitting though because it caused me to cleanse my heart and pray to get rid of these feelings. It was spring cleaning in the ultimate sense!
I was finally becoming more open to the move and a new adventure, and then the worst news of this whole episode of madness occurred: my dad's cancer was back. My heart was a bit hardened to bad news at this point, so it took a day to set in. He had surgery back in the fall for melanoma in his lung, and the surgery went well and no further treatment was needed at the time. He has been doing follow-up and feeling good, so it was off my radar that the cancer would come back and so suddenly. He went for a follow-up scan and multiple metastasis were found in his liver and lungs. Bad news. He started immunotherapy the Monday after my graduation, and it went as well as could be expected and without side effects. In August he will have a repeat scan to see if the treatments are working. The prognosis isn't great, because, well, melanoma sucks a big bad butt. It's a very aggressive cancer that spreads silently and quickly, and it's resistant to most treatments. This news was really the punch in the gut after already feeling I had given up so much and being forced to move 14 hours away, and now I will be away from my family during my dad's treatments.
It's been a bit emotional, and I'll admit I don't like talking about some of it. I have numerous other dear friends currently going through battles of their own that have burdened my heart as well. God has faithfully provided support and encouragement through my family, friends, and church, and He has used people I'd never expect to send me the most uplifting notes that only He would know I needed to hear those words. God is that awesome. Like this beautiful flowers that are probably my most favorite I've ever received:
I know God has a plan for all of this that is greater than any plan I knew was possible, and I have to remind myself this during the moments it all just feels like a big stinking mess. I just have to keep faith, so I don't miss out on the greatness He has in store.
