That’s just a few examples of how I use this word, but in
reality these are juvenile examples of how I use a powerful word. The meaning
gets diluted when the word is used to describe petty feelings.
Hate: feel
intense or passionate dislike for (someone) synonyms:
loathe, detest,
despise, dislike, abhor, execrate
Abhor:
regard with disgust and hatred
This word gets thrown around so much- this side hates such
and such and it’s a crime. It seems like every day in the news we are reading
about hate crimes, and our newest saga has been the Ferguson ordeal. My emotions were all over the map while trying to dissect my thoughts of the complex issue of racism in America. I was frustrated and angry and wanted to scream over the inundation of articles and news reports on my social media.
"What good is this?! There is no solution to get past this!"
God
spoke to my heart to calm down, and to see the bigger picture. People are hurt and hearts are full of hate and resentment: a feeling I know all too well. God reminded me to speak words of love, because I too had harbored hate in my heart before. I remember the suffocation I experienced by what seemed an inescapable circumstance that seemed too big to be resolved.
"God, please, make this go away. It's never going to get better. I CANNOT survive this with my sanity."
The hate festered, and I was overcome with unhappiness that I was convinced was not my doing. I’m not
talking a mild dislike, but a dark emotion that swallowed my heart and consumed
by mind. Anxiety would grip me and I would have palpitations at sight of the
hated. My eyes would roll and then glare icy stares without any provocation.
Just the thought of the hated made me want scream. I was disgusted by
everything the hated did, but I was obsessed with knowing more and more about the hated. I
loathed the hated’s every move. I prayed the hated would no longer be a part of my life. I justified my feelings.
“I know I shouldn’t dislike --------- so
much, but --------- did this, and I’m RIGHT. -----,
deserves my feelings. “
The hate intensified, and I prayed for the hated to change.
It was not until a sermon about God’s forgiveness and love that my heart began
to thaw. I do not remember the specifics of the message, but I remember
realizing the only way to get past the hate was to change my own heart. God did
not give conditions on His love for us, and we were not to have conditions for
others. I had to pray daily for my heart to love NO MATTER WHAT. I had to tame my tongue and pray through my negativity. I had to pray for newness. God was the only way I made it through and sing a new tune today.
The only way to heal hate is to give it to Jesus for him to bear. We
are utterly incapable of overcoming the evil of hate without the power of the
cross and the man who defeated the hate of man to save us all.It does not matter if we feel justified. We
are not. It does not matter if they are wrong. Love anyways. Meet people where they are and understand their experiences. Pray for
your heart to love without having your guard up, and watch the change that
occurs in not only you but in the person you hate. God changes what seems
impossible.
The recent news and the ugliness in the world seems impossible to ever be healed. We can't go back, but we can look forward and pray for God to make our hearts new. We ALL need to be humbled to serve and love fellow man, whether they reciprocate the love.
"And he said to him, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself." Matthew 22:37-39
It may be too simplified for some of your tastes, but I
speak from experience the ONLY way to slay the demons in our world is by the
light of Jesus. My heart has tasted the blackness of hate, and the only way I
won was by the power of our Savior.
I leave you with dialogue between Frodo and Sam from The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. I was watching it the other night and thought it was fitting.
Sam: I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.
Do you ever have those days you just feel like you are failing? You aren't fulfilling a purpose and you're discouraged? Yeah, me too. It's how I feel today, and instead of moping I'm giving myself permission to take a break. So here you go, a funny story from my life as a resident for your reading pleasure. Grab a cup of coffee, a cookie, light your favorite candle, and TAKE A BREAK.
I preface with the disclaimer that I love little old ladies. Especially ladies in the church, because I think we often think of them as sweet, ole ladies who are soft spoken and well-behaved. This is mostly true, except, when it's not. Those little old ladies are feisty and spunky, and it's like their appearance is a disguise for the personality within. The other day one of the patients started telling us about her friend, Sugar who taught Sunday school with her. Sugar and Bunny taught together, and the kids loved it. The patient proceeds to tell us that being from a different generation she has to really watch what she says, because words don't always mean what they used to. She said, for example, when she was growing up everyone called cats the p word (except she said the word). She said one day she was teaching elementary Sunday school with Sugar and called a cat the p word, and Sugar pulled her aside and said, "Bunny, you can't use that word. It doesn't mean cat anymore." She chuckled and said she hasn't used that word since. The room was rolling on the floor after that story.
That my friend, is your break time story. You're welcome!
I think I'm getting the hang of this doctor thing. Well, kind of. Most days I walk around smiling and nodding like I know what I'm talking about, but on the inside it's a whole another story. My smile masks the doubt, the insecurity, and the feeling of inadequacy to be a doctor. Forget being a GOOD doctor, most days I struggle with just thinking I can be a doctor, period. Then I have those moments of revelation that this is how every resident feels at one time, even if they don't admit it, and that's reassuring that I'm not a completely daft doctor.
I struggle with the feelings of wanting to be a great doctor. I want to listen to my patients, reassure them, help them with their needs, and I desire to do that with the love of God shining through my work (sorry if that's too hokey for some of ya'll). In the short time I've been a resident, I have realized that this task is ENORMOUS. There is never enough time to give my patients endless attention, write my notes, research their treatment, and check-up on them throughout the day. The job seems impossible to do well.
I've told myself I won't be like other doctors who are snappy and have terrible bedside manner. Nah, that won't be me. Then I had a snapping point the other night. It was a Friday and I had already left work, and then my senior resident called for help. I didn't tell her I left, instead I turned around and went back to the hospital to see a patient. It was 8pm and I'd been at the hospital since 6am, it was Friday, and I was tired and hungry. I was interviewing my patient, but of course it was one of those patients who rambles, has a complicated story, and it was taking forever. I've been working on tactfully redirecting my patients when interviews are going like this, so I was constantly re-directing her and asking questions to get a clear history. Then, all of sudden, about 20 minutes in, the patient's son who was a BIG guy starts yelling at me from the corner of the room to not cut the patient off. Oh man, I was like a dog on guard with my hairs on end. I instantly snapped I wasn't cutting her off. He then yelled at me that I indeed cut her off and had been doing it the entire interview. I snapped back that I wasn't cutting her off, I was trying to get a clear story and had to redirect her. He sat back down, but was clearly mad at me.
I was so mad and was telling my senior resident about this jerk who yelled at me, and although I did think he was out of line yelling at me, it hit me. I had to go apologize. Ugh, talk about humble pie. I went up to the patient' s room and asked for the son to come out in the hallway, and I apologized and said it was inappropriate. He said I didn't need to apologize, and he realizes I was trying to do my job. More was said, but in the end it was a good conversation, and we parted ways on good terms.
I tell this story, because I'm daily overwhelmed with feelings that I can't do the job in a manner that would glorify God. It's easy for me to say I won't make those mistakes that other doctors, but in reality I will make those mistakes because no one is perfect. It's going to happen to have 15 hour days on 5 hours of sleep when I'm grumpy and just want to go home. This encounter reminded me that God will be glorified even through my inadequacies if I swallow my pride.
It doesn't matter what your job is, because guaranteed there will be days you feel overwhelmed and inadequate to do the job in a way that glorifies God. These feelings don't disqualify you from the job. Embrace your calling and the skills God has equipped you with to do the job. You will make mistakes, but acknowledge them with humility and move on. I'm not good at admitting I'm wrong, and it would have been really easy to blame things on my patient's son, but I can tell you apologizing to him was the reminder I needed that God has set my course apart from others. Through the craziness He has equipped me to be a doctor, and not just any doctor, but a good doctor who shines Jesus to my patients and co-workers.
"Walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet
towards home, a land that I've never seen
I am changing; less and less asleep
made of different stuff than when I began
And I've sensed it all along
fast approaching is the day...
There's distraction buzzing in my head
Saying in the shadows it's easier to stay
but I've heard rumors of true reality
whispers of a well-lit way
You make all things new." 'Shadowfeet' Brooke Fraser
I often quote lyrics on here, because I love the way Christian music can speak the words and truth of the Bible to me in a memorable way. This song has been my anthem of the month, or something of the sorts. I love what the lyrics speak to me about my current situation and also remind of where I have been. It's beautiful!
God is repeatedly speaking to my heart and teaching me the same lessons I've learned before (Not his fault. I'm hard headed and I never learn the first time) and taking me a bit deeper each time. The journey is painful, but I can't imagine still living with my insecurities dictating every move I made. It's embarrassing me for think of some of the stuff I did or the way I treated others in my younger days.
I cringe. I get nauseous. I panic a bit when one of those memories unearths itself and I wish everyone in the world would magically forget all my missteps. God then intercedes and reminds me He HAS DONE JUST THAT!
Thank you, Jesus.
I am humbled by Savior who uses me, my mess and all, to serve His Kingdom. He picks me up and breaths life into my soul to erase the shame and guilt from my imperfections.
I grew up in a Christian home, so I can't say there is a time where I didn't believe in Jesus, but I can say there was a period where I didn't live like I knew a thing about Him. I remember God tugging on my heart and speaking 'Whispers of a well-lit way,' but it took a long time for me to respond. When those whispers grew to shouts, and I could not longer ignore them, I can remember the feeling of utter humility and the desire to be completely authentic to people for the first time ever. I didn't care what they thought, but I just had to share my pain and my thoughts, my sin and my missteps, and that was my way of letting go.
I continue to 'stumble on these shadowfeet,' and God is again humbling me and reminding me to not let my insecurities rule my life: One of those lessons I don't think I'll ever learn. I'm in one of those periods of life again, where I have been stripped of what I thought defined my life, and God has taken me to the bare minimum. A time for just me and Him. A sweet yet painful time to rely on Him, to be refined, and to be authentic with others. Because, in reality, this is what should define me anyways.
I write this to remind any of you ladies struggling with your journey to take heart and be reminded of the One who loves you. You can come to Him now, no matter what is going on in your life, and He will take you, mess and all. He loves you just like that and will help you become so much more, because He makes all things new.
It's that time of year again. The wonderful, beautiful season called autumn. I don't know when it became my favorite season. Maybe it was in college when I was sick of training for track in the August heat. It could have been in St. Louis, when I enjoyed my jogs in the cool evenings at Forest Park. I can't say with certainty when it started, but I do know when the weather starts to cool and the leaves start to change my heart starts to pitter-patter.
I enjoy all of the seasons because they each hold something new and unique to those few months, but none of them make me feel nostalgic like fall does. Without fail, at the end of every August my mouth starts craving the flavors of fall, my mood starts itching to put on jeans and boots, and my heart starts yearning to make new memories and relive the old ones. I want to put on my uniform and make a few spectacular catches in the outfield. I want to put on my running tights and tennis shoes and go run some hills with the girls. I want to sit at home on the weekends and drink iced cold coke and eat my dad's chili while my family watches football and I study in my room. I miss eating my mom's applesauce and going out shopping with her on my visits home. I miss the days of driving to my family's orchard and eating apples and drinking cider to my heart's content. My heat smiles thinking of the days of drinking cider with Brooke and watching Everwood before heading to Icthus. I think of the times spent with my pumpkin-loving friend Beth cooking in her kitchen and getting her sage advice about life and relationships. Fall makes me think of KC and driving around to orchards, antiquing in Lexington, baking in my seafoam colored kitchen, drinking coffee with my Burlap ladies, cooking with Rachel in her 100 year old house, and drinking lattes with Jenna while we study together at Panera.
Autumn is a time life slows down and I spend more time with the ones I love. I'm sentimental any season, but fall brings out the real sap in me. I've been pondering about life lately, and my thoughts of the season reminded me how much I love routine and certainty. I used to say I couldn't wait to leave home and I dreamed of traveling and being a missionary, but in reality I'm much more of a homebody than I realized. I don't like surprises and change, so a few days away from home, and I'm ready to come back. I get ideas of what I want my life to look like, but really as long as I have my family and friends that's when I am happy. It doesn't matter if I live in a the city or the suburbs, or if I have a house or an apartment, or if my house is perfectly decorated or pieced together with hand-me-downs, or if my job is fulfilling or dreadful to face. Life is empty without relationships and the memories they leave behind.
I don't know if I've taken advantage of my life and the people around me. Maybe I didn't appreciate what I had and the opportunities I was given to build relationships and love on people. I don't know what brought me to the season of life I am in now, but I know I couldn't face it without my husband, family, friends, and dogs (he-he). I've been savoring my moments with Robert here. I get to come home to homemade meals, end the day laughing at our dogs, and spend the weekend in my pajamas cooking and drinking coffee with Robert and re-charging for the week. It's the first time since we have been married that we have only had each other, and it's been quite nice! These are new memories to think back fondly on next fall, and my heart will want to recreate the feelings of thankfulness I have right now doing the little things with the one I love.
Today, I tried out a new church. I have been attending a larger church in town, and after 4-5 times attending and having only one person come have a conversation with me I then decided it was time to find a friendlier crowd. It has been a humbling past few months with nights of loneliness and doubt. I am a relational person who loves to spend time with people, so to have no one but God and dogs has been an adjustment. My eyes have been opened again to what it is like to be a 'single' person in a new place sitting in the back of a church and desiring for friendships, but to have no one but my new friend 70 something old Dorothy talk to me. It reminds me of lyrics from the Casting Crowns song, "Does Anybody Hear Her,":
"Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even know she's going down today,
Under the shadow of our steeple,
With all the lost and lonely people,
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me,
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?"
It is humbling to be a pastor's wife to be in this position, because I have been nestled away in a loving church where it is a rare occurrence to have a visitor who is not approached by at least one person for conversation. I have not felt that twinge of loneliness of the single life in quite a few years, but I am taking it as a reminder to be involved in the lives of the people around me even if it's uncomfortable.
How many times have you missed the mark of Luke 10:27, to love your neighbor as yourself? When we are wrapped up in ourselves and content with complacency, then we miss out on the bigger picture. Even though it was frustrating for me to sit in a church for over a month and not make a friend, it actually made me more sad for the church members who missed an opportunity. They missed the chance to hear a story, to share the burden, and to fulfill the great commission to a saint in need. Our job doesn't end when a person is saved, but our journey with them is just beginning. The saved also experience loneliness, depression, defeat, and self doubt. The courteous smile and handshake aren't enough to fulfill God's commandment of love. If that's your idea of living out the Great Commission, then please pick up your Bible and pray for your eyes to be opened and your heart to burdened for the lives around you. I don't speak this out of living this out perfectly, because I do not live this out everyday, let alone every Sunday. It's a challenge to myself as well to not let my self-pity restrict my ministry.
I love relationships and friendships, but the biggest sin in my life is picking and choosing who I minister to, and shutting out the hard to love or those I have differences with. If I feel wronged by you or offended by you, then I have it made up in my mind that you aren't going to ever change and you aren't worthy of my time. Man, what a shameful and sinful mindset about God's people. I wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of that kind of treatment, so God has repeatedly shown me the dirtiness of my own heart towards others and challenged me to do better. He has humbled me to reach out and mend relationships that I would otherwise let fall to the way side.
God has called us to live life with one another, and that means through the thick and thin. I don't think there is anything more beautiful than watching a church overcome obstacles, and healing hurts and relationships to come out stronger on the other side. Relationships are messy and imperfect, but that doesn't excuse us from maintaining them and cultivating healing when it is needed. God has called each of us from our pew to meet people and love people. Challenge yourself to leave your usual seat in church and sit somewhere different. See the new faces and reach out to them, because you never know what burden they brought through the church doors or the hurt they are hoping someone will help them bear. Don't just reach out to the new people, but really get to know that family in your church you just could never understand. Make new efforts to live intentionally in your church and community.
My time in the new church was refreshing. I had numerous people introduce themselves to me, ask me a bit about myself, and even exchange phone numbers with me to call if I need anything. The music minister's wife invited me to lunch and I got to share a bit of my currently crazy life with her. They bought my lunch, and we have plans to get together this week. They have NO idea how much I needed that, to have a friendship down here and be made a part of their day. Just because I am a pastor's wife and established Christian, it doesn't mean I am never in need of tending, so imagine all the more the needs of the people you meet in your daily life who don't have the hope of Christ. Know there are hidden hurts in the Christians in your congregation- the loneliness of the single life, the hurt of divorce, the grief of a widow, etc, and meet people in the midst of their needs and help them through it. If you are hurting, then find a good Church home and let them carry you through. Let Christ be our guide, and let's live out our faith to the fullest extent.
Have you ever felt like God "called" you to do something particular with your life? You know, like a man is called to be a pastor or in my case I felt "called" to be doctor. No, God didn't dial down from Heaven and verbally tell me to be a doctor, but through a course of years of prayer, questioning, and discernment I jumped on board with what I felt God told me was the calling of my life. I didn't understand why He chose me and I had no idea how I would get there or what my life would eventually look like, but I began to pursue this calling. There have been trials along the way, especially lately, that have made me question my life's purpose. I have been discouraged that I'm not fulfilling God's desire for my life and feel like I'm wasting time not reaching people like I am supposed. It really got me thinking the last few days what it means when a Christian says he/she is called.
I absolutely believe that God puts desires and directions in our hearts that are unique for each person, but I've been wondering the past few days if we make too big a deal out of our "calling." Is this an American Christian practice, or have Christians always felt like there was one job they were meant to do their entire lives and anything less is a waste? I don't have an answer to that yet, but I do plan to research it. I just notice so many of us, myself included, complain we aren't fulfilling our calling. "We aren't doing anything that's Kingdom worthy." "We aren't fulfilled by our work." "We are just DONE with these stupid jobs." We aren't paid enough, appreciated enough, leading people to Christ everyday, impacting the World every day so apparently what we are doing isn't important. It's our attitude we carry daily into work, which I believe trickles down into our personal relationships, our physical well being, and relationship with the Lord. If we aren't doing that one thing, then by golly our life is meaningless!
It's been on my heart that this is false. I don't think 100% of our life is spent feeling fulfilled and rewarded, because there are detours along the way. Maybe you questioned your abilities to perform the job at hand, so you end up at some other job that you aren't good at and you're miserable. You realize your mistake, but God takes the time in that job to teach you trust and patience. Maybe God allowed the Devil to try to separate you from Him, by taking you from your dream career like he did Job. You are stuck working at a job you hate or maybe you no longer have work. You feel like a failure, but God is using this time to strengthen your belief in Him and truly teach you what it means to praise Him in the storm. Maybe you just don't have a clear picture of what you are supposed to do, and it feels like everyone else around you is succeeding and changing the world and you're left in their dust. You are discouraged that your time will never come, but God is teaching you perseverance and how to seek Him. Maybe, just maybe, God has called you to an unglamorous profession where you are undervalued, taken advantage of, overworked, under- payed, and mentally exhausted. It's EXACTLY what He's called you to do, but you just want another door to open. Only, you don't know how good you have it. Your bills are paid and your family is cared for, but you just want to feel appreciated for what you do.
The thing is, no matter your situation, God has a purpose. It doesn't mean our spiritual calling is full of adventure and glamour. We all can't be missionaries to foreign lands or visionaries to save orphans and the oppressed. We aren't all going to be preachers or gifted at personally leading many to Christ. Maybe you are the seed sower who is effecting the people around you and you will NEVER even know it. Your time in a what seems menial job is refining your relationships with God, and your spirit of hard work, encouragement, and faith are a testament to your co-workers in ways they may never tell you. They know there is something different about you, and God is using your placement to change just one person. Isn't that alone worth the trials of the job?
According to Genesis 3:17 "...The ground is cursed because of you. You will eat from it by means of painful labor all the days of your life..." It seems we in America forget that work will be hard and not always make us feel like warm and fuzzy inside. I forget this over and over again. Instead of being thankful for work, I'm instead complaining about my job for various reasons. All of this reminded me of what we are all 'called' to do: "And he answered, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself.” Luke 10:27. Therefore, no matter our job we can fulfill the most important calling: We can love God and we can love others. It's that simple.
"All I want, All I need More of You, Less of me Take this life, Lord it's Yours Have my heart, Have it all," Hillsong 'To be Like You.'
"Now nothing is holding me back from you Redeemer of my soul Now nothing can hold me back from you Your love will never let me go," Torwalts 'Nothing Holding me Back." "I need You To soften my heart and break me apart I need You To open my eyes, to see that You're shaping my life All I am, I surrender Give me faith to trust what You say, That You're good and Your love is great I'm broken inside, I give You my life," Elevation Worship 'Give me Faith.'
"I will not fight You Take me past the line that my heart draws I will not fight You Take me beyond the laziness of my thoughts I will not fight Lead me further than I've gone before I will not fight You I'm abandoned to Your call," Rend Collective 'Broken Bread.' The last 3 weeks have been exhausting emotionally. I've been alone for 2 weeks in a new city where I don't know anyone and I'm 18 hours away from my family and friends. I thought I would get clarity once I got down here. Alas, that hasn't happened. It's brought me back to that place where all I have left is God and that's the only comfort I've had besides dog kisses. I prayed I'd be made vulnerable and be back at that place where it was only God and I, and that's exactly what I got just not how I thought it would happen. You know, we pray for things from God, but if you're like me your mind has it made up how that should happen and what the exact game plan should be. Oh, the hilarity to think God would follow MY game plan! What kind of physician should I be God? I prayed this for two years as I struggled to find the passion and excitement that I thought I'd have after sitting for two years in the classroom. It is a battle that I've still been fighting, and I wonder if I made the wrong decision. Did I work so long in vain? My mind has been so confused! One minute I'm excited about one idea of what my practice could look like, and the next I'm in despair thinking what a dumb idea that would be. I've prayed for discernment, but I look back and I feel like I've had mixed signals from God. Go here, do this! Oh, or you'd be good at this! Feelings? Mixed signals? Is this how the God of the Universe operates? Absolutely not! It's been discouraging, because my friends and classmates seem to have clear paths and callings that they are so excited to follow and I've felt behind the curb. My time down here has been spent praying, crying, and feeling like I'm stuck in a huge hole that there is not end in sight to. Our house hasn't sold, no church has called for Robert, and my heart feels like it was left back in Missouri. People tell me God didn't bring us down here to drop us and leave us hanging, but that's exactly how I've felt. I know we aren't guaranteed easiness as Christians, and though my pain is real I have to keep my life in perspective and that others are suffering much worse. There's one lesson I've learned down here in two weeks: perspective. I cried and whined for a couple of years while I was in KC that it didn't feel like home, and just when I made it home it got ripped away from me. I desperately miss my church family. I knew that my heart had finally opened up and let them in and that I loved them a lot, but man I didn't realize how much they mean to me! Then there's the missing my husband part of the equation. I think I appreciated him, but I often let little things get to me and I didn't respect him like a wife should respect her husband. While I don't feel it's fair we have to be apart for an undetermined amount of time, I trust that God has a plan and is refining our relationship to be better than ever when we are together again. If the military wives can do it, then I can, right?! All of this has brought to my attention that I need to treasure things while I have them, because nothing lasts forever. God also revealed to me that I am learning to put into practice what I preach as a physician. If you know me, then you know I love discussing mental health and approaching it holistically. The last 3 weeks I've hit a bought of depression. You know, the eat one meal a day-lay in bed all day-cry at the drop a hat with those uncontrollable sobs that come from deep down in your soul-questionable hygiene-can't fall asleep kind of depression. I know this and recognize that I'm unhappy. Am I depressed? Yes, sure. Do I need to go on anti-depressants? No. It's situational, and at some point the situation will get some resolution. I can combat it with prayer and reading the Bible, which should be my number one (I'm getting there). I can call a friend when I feel alone. I can force myself to sit in the sun and get my daily dose of vitamin D to get my happy neurotransmitters a-flowing. I can put on stinky yoga pants (I didn't have a washer for 3 weeks....:) ) and I can do some yoga outside while my dogs play or I can blast some Christian music and go run by the ocean. God spoke to my soul today about what he's teaching me through this that I can use to reach my patients. God also reminded me that there are things that I love in medicine, and even though I've felt lesser of a physician for liking certain aspects of medicine that are looked down on by many others, if that's what He's called me to do there's nothing little about it! Wow, it seems so small and obvious but it was a revelation to my heart! I don't know what it means, but I do know I do not like feeling like my life isn't aligned with God's purpose for me. I've been reading 1 Samuel and I realized that my life is a bit like the Israelites when they panicked and begged Samuel for a King. It wasn't God's plan and they didn't listen to Samuel's warnings, so instead of having what God intended for them they got something flawed. I didn't listen to God is what it comes down to. It seems that somewhere along the way through the stress and pressures of medical school that I lost my way and let the world dictate my direction and not let God. I didn't mean to and I thought I was seeking Him, but I think I forgot some of the whispers to my heart He gave me throughout the way and let the opinions of others and the inadequacy of my heart lead the way. Sheesh, will I ever learn? I pray God continues to speak to me and show me the way in the next few weeks and months and that my mind would discern with clarity what my purpose is in medicine. I pray that God will have sole leadership of my heart and that wherever He directs me I follow no matter how hard the course will be. I pray I won't stress, panic, or worry that God won't reveal His plan to me, and that my heart will be still and wait for His perfect timing.
Well, I live in Texas, so that's new. It was an interesting 18 hour trip down here. Bob drove the Penske truck with our dog Hobbs, and I followed behind in my little Yaris with our dog Denver.
The first half of the trip was great. We drove through the hills of Kansas and Oklahoma, and avoided the crazy interstate with toll roads. It was peaceful and went pretty quickly, except for the one toll road in Oklahoma we had to go through: that was a a good time.
I must preface that I've only been through toll roads with friends, so I'm a little slow on the uptake on the process. Robert and I made sure have to have a bunch of dollar bills, so I thought we were set. Once we got to the toll, it was fast moving with one line that said "Cars with exact change here" and the next line said "Other Vehicles and other methods of payments here," I chose the previous, because I figured it was a machine and it would be faster because I had exactly two dollars. One problemo bucko, I didn't realize change meant actual change. Who in the heck has coins this day and age?! My problem was also exacerbated by my simpleton mind not understanding where the heck the hole was for the money. I finally figured out you put your money in this big funnel thing, but I'm thinking, "How is this hole going to accept my dollar bills? Who counts this money anyways?!" The sweat was pouring from my brow as I try to stuff my dollar bills in the hole at the bottom of the funnel. CRAAAP, that is definitely not working! I looked to my right where the lady at the station next to mine was taking money hoping she'd see my pleading face that I needed HELP. Nope, no luck, and then I turned around to see Robert peeling away in the moving truck. What the expletive am I going to do now?! I contemplated pulling forward, but there didn't seem to be a place to turn around and I just knew a cop would be around to pull me over and send me to jail for not knowing the rules of the toll. I was sure there was no way I was going to have enough change, and at this point a nice long line of cars was forming behind me, and some kind sir had his window down yelling more expletives and honking his horn. I suddenly LOATHED Oklahoma and swore I'd never come back (sorry Pioneer Woman! Love ya!). I then started dumping change from my slot in my car door and I didn't think it would be enough. Then I dug around my console and was throwing penny after penny into the darned hole. AAAAA, it was just enough. I was sure Jesus stretched my pennies like he stretched out the fish and bread to feed the 5,000. Thanks, God!
Once we arrived in Texas, it was time for a potty break. We stopped at a dinky hole in the wall, so we could avoid the craziness of Dallas. Once I entered this bathroom, it took everything in me not to vomit. It could be said with certainty that some male used a certain organ like a garden hose and drenched that room in urine. It stunk to high heavens and there were weird stains all over (gag, gag, gag!). It was one of those classy establishments with with a urinal, toilet, and vending machines all in one room (a 3 for 1 deal, I guess!). I was attempting to use the restroom in a lady-like manner, but there were no blasted seat covers. "For the love of Pete, I WILL NOT sit down on this toilet!" It was just not the kind of restroom you could put your standards of public toilets behind you and just get over it and sit down. Being the resourceful gal I am, I thought, "I got this. I'll just hold a squat and carefully avoid touching the seat. No biggie." Ha, no biggie until I realized after stopping a million times for pee breaks due to my large beverage consumption I didn't have enough reserves for a nice steady stream, so instead I felt pee start dribbling down my leg, and I was squatted too far up to hit the hole. "I AM ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE. I'M ONE OF THOSE DIRTY URINE SMELLING PEOPLE!!!!" I cleaned up, and ran out laughing telling Robert my story. He just rolled his eyes at his crazy wife. (Please tell me I'm not the only lady who in the attempt of avoiding disgusting toilets, has accidentally tinkled down her leg. If I am the only one, then shut up, this was hours into an 18 hour trip!)
Once urine gate 2014 was over, then we hit the road again towards Dallas. I realized we weren't in Missouri anymore! The overpasses towered over our interstate and looked like something from a futuristic movie. "My gosh, things really are bigger in Texas!" The trip began to get a little hairy from here, because of construction on I-35 which meant road barriers were on each side of the road eliminating the shoulders. I think Robert was biting his nails hoping the moving truck didn't bounce of the barriers like a pin ball machine. My heart was racing the entire time, because the speeds were fast and the roads were narrow. At one point driving through Texas, the speed limit got as high as 85! I get it, because Texas is boring and everyone wants to speed on through, but that just doesn't seem safe! Robert kept us powering through the trip, and refused to pay for a hotel, so I was slapping myself and shoving Sour Straws down my throat to stay awake. The later it got, the more emotional I became realizing I was SO far from HOME and that I would rarely ever get to visit my family, friends, and church. It was finally sinking in that I wouldn't get to call Missouri home for at least 3 years. A few tears were shed, and after 18 hours of driving and taking breaks we got to our new house. It was quite the adventure, and I told Robert I will never again drive it. Only flying for this gal!
"The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry." Robert Burns.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
And he withdrew from them about a stone's throw, and knelt down and prayed, saying, "Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.' Luke 22:41-42.
After the misfortunes I've had so far in 2014, I have been meditating on what it truly means to know God's calling for my life. I thought I knew, because I had prayed and meditated for months about what He wanted from my life. Did I misread the message? Did I make the message into what I wanted it to be? Worst of all, did I limit God and His plan for my life? I've been back to the questioning part of why me, what now, is my life supposed to look radically different than I had thought. It's been a big pill to swallow, because I thought I had been following God all along. I read through Job and thought about all that was taken from him in a short period of time, and for the first time in my life I could actually relate to what it meant to have multiple things ripped from my life suddenly. I've been hurt and mad, but I've had to stop and remember that God doesn't deserve my wrath. I've had to repeatedly tell myself, "Even if it NEVER gets better and even if life is NEVER as good as it was, will I allow myself to be taken over by bitterness and scorn God or will I get on my knees and pray that God would help me still praise Him if the storm never ends in this lifetime? Which will it be?". I've had people say the typical, "Oh you'll back and realize it made you stronger" or "Oh, you will look back and laugh and realize it wasn't that bad." God is a faithful God and he never forsakes us, BUT God never promises and easy life on Earth or that life won't be full of hurt. There is no guarantee that my life will ever get better or go back to the way it was, but that doesn't qualify me for a get-out-of-jail-free card to quit praising Jesus. Will I let the Devil win so easily?!
It's been a humbling few months, but it has brought me back to a place I prayed for God to bring me back to. I never even realized that until now, but I prayed for the past few years for Him to take me back to the days I had little material possessions but my heart yearned to make a difference. If I wasn't working then I was at church or out building relationships, instead of being holed up inside with my t.v. and air conditioned house. I could write a book on the woes of 2014, but the year started with my husband's car breaking down and us thinking the motor was shot, which if you don't know is really expensive to fix! Then within a week we had a minor fire in an electrical outlet and had to pay a few hundred to have an electrician fix some things. Then our dryer broke, and we had to buy a new dryer. To top it off, two of our dogs were fighting off recurrent nasty ear infections that cost us a pretty penny in vet bills. I didn't freak out too bad during that mess of a month, and God provided for us in that time in ways I didn't know was possible. I guess that was only a warm-up.
You've already heard about March Madness. No, not the basketball tournament, but my residency match that turned into residency not-match. It was an upset for sure and came as a complete surprise to my husband and I. This was the beginning of the real challenge. I hadn't been that depressed and defeated for some time. We secured a job for me, but Robert is still looking for a ministry position. We've been working on our house like crazy to sell it, and that's come with some ups and lots of downs. We had the refrigerator debacle of April, that turned into one broke fridge, that turned into paying a guy who couldn't fix it, that turned into buying one off Craiglist, that became the fridge that was doing exactly what our broken was doing- NOT WORKING, that then turned into buying a 3rd fridge off Craigslist. Multiple rounds of groceries ruined and some money spent, and the Strong's have a working brand new fridge that they got for a fraction of the price (because that's how the Lord operates!). I've had multiple melt-downs how we are possibly going to be able to get a house sold, projects paid for, move, and find Bob a job. God has shown me His provision during this time, and we've had some generous donations from our church family that I could never even begin to tell them how much we appreciate the way they take care of my family. Bob and I are a bit proud and we don't ask for help too often, but God knew what we needed and we were able to buy a working fridge because God spoke to a family that they were supposed to help us financially. I don't typically share about the gifts people give us, because I think it's a bit rude and also because our church family is ALWAYS giving to us so it'd take me all day to tell you every little thing. But seriously, that was such a God moment that when we got that gift I about burst into tears, and I'm not a cryer!
I've had a lot of moments of bitterness about getting rid of material possessions as well. I knew I would need to downsize for a 14 hr move and a smaller house, but I've also been getting rid of stuff to help financially for a move. Feeling forced to sell my possessions stirred up some madness and jealousy, because other people get to keep their nice things while I have to sell my used frugal furniture I waited years to buy. I love my crazy vintage stuff! Cleansing out my house and possessions, was fitting though because it caused me to cleanse my heart and pray to get rid of these feelings. It was spring cleaning in the ultimate sense!
I was finally becoming more open to the move and a new adventure, and then the worst news of this whole episode of madness occurred: my dad's cancer was back. My heart was a bit hardened to bad news at this point, so it took a day to set in. He had surgery back in the fall for melanoma in his lung, and the surgery went well and no further treatment was needed at the time. He has been doing follow-up and feeling good, so it was off my radar that the cancer would come back and so suddenly. He went for a follow-up scan and multiple metastasis were found in his liver and lungs. Bad news. He started immunotherapy the Monday after my graduation, and it went as well as could be expected and without side effects. In August he will have a repeat scan to see if the treatments are working. The prognosis isn't great, because, well, melanoma sucks a big bad butt. It's a very aggressive cancer that spreads silently and quickly, and it's resistant to most treatments. This news was really the punch in the gut after already feeling I had given up so much and being forced to move 14 hours away, and now I will be away from my family during my dad's treatments.
It's been a bit emotional, and I'll admit I don't like talking about some of it. I have numerous other dear friends currently going through battles of their own that have burdened my heart as well. God has faithfully provided support and encouragement through my family, friends, and church, and He has used people I'd never expect to send me the most uplifting notes that only He would know I needed to hear those words. God is that awesome. Like this beautiful flowers that are probably my most favorite I've ever received:
I know God has a plan for all of this that is greater than any plan I knew was possible, and I have to remind myself this during the moments it all just feels like a big stinking mess. I just have to keep faith, so I don't miss out on the greatness He has in store.
Number One: For the love of Pete, am I an animal or something?! How have I lived in this filth and never noticed? Dust on the air vents- check. Dust on every bit if trim- check. Fans covered in an inch of dirt- double check. Carpets covered in dog fur- hahahaha, duh! Dear people who buy our house, I promise it is being thoroughly cleaned. Lucky you!
2. Ah, ha, so THAT's where all my bobby pins and hair ties went! Could I find you when I needed you? No of course not. You blasted little things in your coppery camouflage have evaded my eyes for 2 years causing me to go in public with unsightly hair! Could I have bought more? Sure, but who wants to fight the folks at Walmart just to buy $.97 of metal. Not me.
Tres: Why have I never done this before? You know, cleaned and thrown out crap so my dresser only has the pretty flowers on it instead of being covered in junk mail and clean underwear? See how nice it looks:
Quatre: My neighbors are hoarders. Future homeowners, we built a nice privacy fence to block the junk. Yes, I may have seen rats last summer I attribute to their mess, but let's pretend that never happened. Mmkay? I know, I know, they have toys and trash littering their backyard that they mow around instead of picking up (the once a year they decide to mow).
I also realize they have Halloween and Christmas decorations outside that have been present the 2.5 years we've lived here. They have issues. Maybe refer them to star in an episode of hoarders. It would do them good.
And finally, please, someone fall in love with this house as much as we do. I never thought I'd love the 'burbs, but it's not half bad. No gun shots. I can safely run at night. The kiddos can play outside safely (aka- THE DOGS). I was supposed to have our first kid while we lived here, so please fill this place with babies and live it up. I'll try not to be jealous that you get to enjoy my festive paint colors. Sea foam green kitchen: Drool! Creamsicle orange living room: spunk-o-licious!! The apple green bathroom: yeah I didn't like that as much once it was up either. Blame it on the carpet at World Market that inspired me.The white trim and kitchen cabinets I painstakingly painted white: you're flipping welcome. Never. Again.
One big lesson God is teaching me through all of this is to let go and give up what my sinful heart is holding onto. This house is more than I could have imagined for our first house, or any house for that matter. I filled it with cuteness and love, but sometimes we don't get to keep stuff we love forever. I'm a cheap-o, so I waited years to buy furniture and when I did I bought vintage used stuff. I love it, and I was pretty bitter about having to give up almost everything I'd picked out with patience and frugality, but God has told me I just need let go and take very little on my next journey. If you know me, you know I get attached and sentimental about stuff, but I knew I just need to give it all up. Okay, more like my life has kind of been put in a blender and swirled about and I felt like things were being forcefully ripped from me all at once. I guess God felt like he needed to rip it all at once quickly like a bandaid to reduce the pain, but I can't say my heart was willing at first. Our life will almost be starting from scratch in Texas, but at least I get to leave Kansas City with more good memories than I could have imagine I'd have 4 years ago when I moved here and that's worth way more than a vintage couch!
This whole move to Texas is really cramping my style. I hate change and love routine, so the thought of leaving my beloved Missouri sucks butt. I've moved a lot over the past 10 years, and I've become more accustomed to change but it's still not one of my strengths. The last 4 years have been a time of adjustment for me to accept the KC area as "home," and I just when I made peace with it I'm being swept away somewhere else. I guess the saying is true you don't know what you've got until it's gone! Therefore, I've dedicated this post to some of my favorite places and things to do in KC. I will probably thing of more to share with you in the future, but these are a few of things on my mind tonight. I'm pretty boring and enjoy good old-fashioned fun, so excuse me if my list isn't full of the hip things to do :)
1. FARMER'S MARKETS: Oh my goodness, please, please, please forgo the grocery cart this summer and head on out to enjoy the wonderful local produce. There are so many farmer's markets in the metro area that I've only visited a few, but they are so worth your time and money. My favorite Saturday activity is to head out to one of the markets and pick up fresh produces, and then go home and cook a huge brunch. Mmmm, sweet tater hash browns, old fashioned pancakes smothered in fresh berries, and a large mug of locally roasted coffee. Of course, River Market is the huge urban market that most people know about. You can check it out here: http://www.kcrivermarket.com/. I love it because of the wonderful shops to venture in and the variety, but I hate crowds and this place is swarming on Saturdays. I tend to stick to the smaller markets close to my house. Blue Springs has a great market that is small but has decent variety AND organic produce! http://www.bluespringsfarmersmarket.com/. My favorite market is Lee's Summit market. I got a free range organic Amish raised chicken for $10 last year!!! It's a FABULOUS market. Go, please! Last but not least is the off-the-cuff market, BadSeed. This place is rockin' with heirloom varieties of organic veggies that you can't find anywhere else around, artisan breads, locally roasted coffee, herbs, meats, etc that is ALL organic. It's fun and on Friday evenings, and I suggest everyone go to see the amazing movement of urban farming. http://www.badseedkc.com/farm/the-farmers-market/vendors-products/.
2. ANTIQUES: Yes, please! KC has some mighty fine antique/vintage furniture stores. Seriously, some of the best and most unique I've seen. My all time favorite is River Market Antiques http://rivermarketantiquemall.com/. It is 4 floors of vintage awesomeness, and if an item is over $50, then you can bargain with the vendor for a lower price. I got two chairs and a couch for a 1/3 of the asking price by doing this, and they add just the touch of Hannah-ness to my house that it needed. I LOVE THIS PLACE! Another fan favorite of KC peeps are the West Bottoms. Sadly enough, I've only been here one time because I just found out about the amazingness that abounds in the old factory district. Rows and rows of old factory buildings have been turned into floors and floors of refurbished goodness. The stores are like mazes, because the old buildings haven't been redone and are have their original old wood creakiness and dank hallways (which I find fabulous). You could spend days searching through the stores. http://www.westbottoms.com/.
Here's a picture of my green chairs and coffee table found at the above stores:
3. INDEPENDENCE SQUARE: This is my all time favorite place to escape and feel a blast from the past. There is something quaint and nostalgic about this simple downtown, even though half of the downtown is vacant. How sad! I could disappear here for an afternoon and feel my worries wash away. My favorite ice cream parlor is located here: Clinton's Soda Fountain. I believe the story is President Truman was a soda jerk here.
My favorite little coffee shop is located on the square. The coffee isn't the best in KC, but the atmosphere is adorable and cozy and wonderful. The counters are made from old doors with the antique knobs still in place. See:
4. QUICK GET-A-WAYS: You may have already realized I love good food, antiques, and the simple things in life. This is why I love a quick trip to the wonderful historical communities around KC. My two favs: the Civil War town of Lexington and one of the former largest ports on the Mississippi, Weston. They are both full of antique shops, artisan stores, fabulous old architecture, and local orchards and wineries. When I retire and am an old lady, I plan to move into one of these historic towns and live the rest of my days away in peace and simplicity :) I've yet to stay in a bed and breakfast at one of these locations, but it's on my to do list. Maybe I can convince Robert to take me before we move.
5. THE B-WORD.......BRUNCH!!!!: Yes, sirree, my ultimate meal in KC wouldn't be bbq, instead it would be brunch. The best brunch is one made with my husband or my friend Rachel with fresh local produce and meats, but second best is at one of the local restaurants. My top places would be Ginger Sue's in Lee's Summit http://www.gingersues.com/locations.html, Succotash just off downtown KC http://www.succotashkc.com/, The Corner Restaurant http://www.thecornerkc.com/, and last but not least the Corner Cafe http://www.thecornercafe.com/.
6. LAKES: This goes out to my husband who likes to disappear on a hot summer night and go fishing ALL night long. I grumble and moan, but I have fun joining him and snacking on Little Debbies and reading while he fishes. There are some great small lakes around that we've had a lot of fun letting out some stress. My favorite is Smithville Lake. The lake is huge and beautiful, and the land surrounding it is extremely serene. Another option for my future retirement ;)
The young doctor got to her school and her SOAP week began. Here's a little bit about SOAP or "the scramble" process: For students who don't match to a program, they go through a 4 day process called supplemental application. During this time they get a list of unfilled programs and can apply to 45 programs. Programs can call applicants that look good on paper and phone or skype interview them. Wednesday and Thurday then consist of rounds of matching. The applicant can receive multiple offers in a round and they have 2, yes TWO, hours to say yes or no, and that reply is a legally binding offer. At no point can they initiate contact with a program or have someone do so on their behalf, so this whole process is based off a computer application. Then, at the end of the rounds on Thursday students that are left unmatched still can contact any remaining programs. As an Osteopathic student you can also get a list of unfilled programs from their match (yes, they have a separate match a month before this allopathic-MD- match). Then basically programs can call you, they typically talk to you a few minutes, and then make an offer right then. You only have a few minutes to hours to make a decision, or they will move on to other applicants.
Okay, now that you know the basics, back to the original story: The medical student acquired a list of programs in pediatrics, psychiatry, internal medicine-pediatrics dual residency, peds-psych-child psych triple board, family medicine, and traditional one year internship. Her husband met her at the school and they began forming a list of programs that would be near churches and seminaries for him. She sent in applications Monday night, and got a call from a peds-psych-child psych program that was her number one choice! She was ecstatic, and the conversation went well and led to an offer for a Skype interview the next day. She ended a crazy day feeling hopeful that this program was meant just for her. Her spirits were also lifted by the support of her friends Heidi and Will who fed her and the husband and listened to their newest life complication.
Tuesday: She got 2 calls from internal medicine-pediatrics dual board residency programs and 1 from a psychiatry program. The hope remained, because she felt good her application stood out for calls. The Skype interview didn't go great, and she felt she didn't make a connection with the doctor interviewing her. Her spirits dropped, and she got done with the interview and had her first tearful breakdown feeling no one would hire her. Interviews terrify her, and she finds bragging about herself and kissing butt about each program a really painful process. She tried to keep her chin up, because one program had told her how great a applicant she was with good grades and test scores so she felt competitive. Tuesday ended with feeling okay, because the rounds would begin the next morning and she had a few calls. Her fingers were crossed and prayers were said for a good turnout. She was lucky for her friend Megan who brought homemade macaroni over for dinner, or else she wouldn't have eaten that day.
Wednesday: The young doctor didn't get anymore calls that morning, but she had sent up follow-up emails with the programs that had already contacted her. She then waited until 11am for round one. Up popped the results; You do not have any offers this round.This led to breakdown number 2, but she remained in front of the computer staring at the screen for 3 hours until round 2, the last round of the day. Again, no offers. Tears flooded her eyes, and she decided to head to campus before the period ended where she could apply to programs. She thought surely the adviser for Match could help her make a game plan. She got there and no one was to be seen in the conference room that was supposed to be set up to help. When she found him in his office, he was chit chatting with another student about a non urgent issue and the student had 1 hour before her finalized applications were due. 10 minutes of waiting and he moseyed out to help her. FINALLY. She vented a bit about feeling like a strong applicant, but not getting any offers. He tried telling her it's just competitive, but he didn't offer much reassurance. He set her up with a computer, and left the room. Yes, sir! He left the room and came back 30 minutes later AFTER her list was already due. So much for getting advice on programs to apply to. She headed to her friends house, Rachel, who fed her and encouraged her that God would provide. She then went home and told her husband how the past 4 years of working hard was for nothing. The time was wasted, and she had no idea why after all this time God would just let His plans for her fall through. She laid in bed in the dark at 6pm for hours just staring into space wondering why she was going through this and what would happen with her future. Her appetite was zilch, and she alternated between crying and staring, staring and crying. It was a rough night and no sleep occurred.
Thursday: She woke up bright and early after laying in bed in emotional misery all night. Her plan was to head to campus and talk to someone new, because she was fairly certain she wasn't going to match that morning, which meant a new process to obtain a position. When she got to campus, the man she wanted to see was gone to a convention, so his secretary tried to help her. She offered to get the man the young doctor had spoken to the day before, but she requested it be someone different. Come to find out it didn't matter because he had taken off Thursday and Friday for vacation! This meant the two men in charge of helping people who didn't match were gone during Match week! The student was infuriated and started panicking. The secretary attempted to calm her, and then in walked the school president. He was helpful and listened to the student's concerns, and agreed she needed to speak with someone to develop a game plan to help her get to her goal of peds. He went and got the dean.... This led to a 20 minutes of unfruitful, snarky remarks from him... in short he told her, and I quote, "Well you didn't play the match smart, You should have applied to more programs in more cities." to which she replied, "Okay, and there's nothing I can do about that now." to which he said rudely, "Okay, fine, yeah enough said about that." He then advised the young student that she should just big a position, the first one that makes an offer no matter what specialty, because she needs a job. She tried to express her concern that she didn't want to be picky, but she did have goals and didn't just want to say yes to the first program. His reply "Well you didn't play the match right and now you are paying the repercussions, so yeah you can't be picky. just pick a place. You'll find I'm very up front with people." The young doctor was furious this was advice she got after paying hundreds of thousands of dollars to this school, and thought the guy was a real....insert explative. The dean then proceeded to get on his phone and call a program without asking in INTERNAL MEDICINE- a specialty she didn't care for. He told her to call the program, and keep him updated, and that was the end of the awesome advice. When the rounds concluded at 4pm that day, she could then begin calling and emailing her resume to any and every residency with an open position. Basically nothing was open in the MD (allopathic) world, so she contacted DO (osteopathic programs). She did have a lead there might be spots opening up in peds at a hospital in MO, so she called and was told no positions would open. Her dreams suddenly came crashing down, but she tried persevering. She emailed and called until 2am. She got one call that night from a psych program in Miami, but felt that was not the place for her.
Friday: Calls started coming in at 6am for psych and family medicine osteopathic programs. She got quite a few offers, but was still hesitant because she felt in her gut she was supposed to be doing peds. But by 12pm she had an offer from Corpus Christi, TX and was told if she didn't call back within a few minutes the position could be gone later in the day. She verbally accepted and was happy to have a job, but crushed she'd be moving 15 hours away for a specialty she didn't feel called for. A few hours later she found out in deed the pediatric positions would open, so then she felt trapped. Did she just throw away her one opportunity? She decided to forget it. Her husband took her out on a double date and they celebrated the new job, although they were both sad about the outcome.
Saturday: She wrestled with sending an email to the peds program, just to check it out. She finally did that night, and heard back Monday that they still weren't sure they would have spots. The doctor felt she must fight with all her might until God clearly closes the door. She had doctors call the program the next day, but received an email they kept with their rank list and didn't interview anyone else. It was final that TX would be her future home.
That's my crazy story in short, but honestly no words could describe the emotions I felt the past two weeks. I felt anger and betrayal that I had prayed for direction and felt peace about it, but that pediatrics got yanked from me. Not only that, I didn't even get my second choice of psychiatry. I question why God had given me the gifts, the visions, the heart for these specialties, but then placed me somewhere else. The harder pill to swallow has been not only a specialty I felt wasn't my calling, but to have me move 15hrs away, leave my husband and dogs for who knows how long, and live away from home. I was just getting my house settled and finally feeling like the KC area was home, and then BAM, nope sorry, you have to move AGAIN. It makes me SO mad. The pieces don't seem to fit as to why this whole process is happening to our family. My husband has a church that is thriving, a job as a pastor he LOVES, and a seminary program he is knee deep in Biblical languages. It's like seriously, why are BOTH of us being ripped from what we feel God called us to do?!?! It's been disheartening, and it feels like I'm moving through life in a fog. I'm utterly humiliated that I repeatedly got turned down, and that programs didn't like me for whatever reason. Of course, then there is the trusty, "God's got plans, you'll see." or the "Something will open up, just have faith." or "Can't you just call the hospitals around here and find a job." No actually, that door has been slammed shut so hard in my face that no in fact I can't just find any ole' job here and my faith tank is running on fumes people! I've had my good moments this week thanks to my husband cheering me up and drowning my pain in tubs of buttered movie popcorn and candy, but I've also had those quiet moments where I feel abandoned by God. I see my classmates who matched to places they are so excited about it, but I can barely fathom that in 1.5months I won't even live in my house or see my husband. My excitement, is well, none.
Tonight, I decided to start reading Job. No, I don't think my job crisis is the equivalent of becoming diseased, losing all family, and losing all wealth, but I knew I needed a reminder that sometimes things happen because Satan is trying to distract God's fruitful workers. In my study Bible intro to Job it states, "Among God's creatures there is the great adversary. Incapable of contending with God hand to hand, power pitted against power, he is bent on frustrating God's creation enterprise centered on God's relationship with the creature that bears his image. As tempter he seeks to alienate humans from God; as accuser he seeks to alienate God from humans. His all-consuming purpose is to drive an irremovable wedge between God and humans to effect an alienation that cannot be reconciled." This reminded me of Satan's attempt to crush us when we are making big moves for God. My goal is to remember this week that God is still God, and He will help us through even if it doesn't feel like it right now. Easier said than done. I will leave you with a song I've had on repeat all night:
"I've made a place for you hear, so come on, come on, All things are possible, so come on, come on."
I love this phrase. I need to make a place for God in my heart, and allow Him to work. Prayers for me as I try to do this!
