A Revelation is My Cry

"All I want, All I need
More of You, Less of me
Take this life, Lord it's Yours
Have my heart, Have it all," Hillsong 'To be Like You.'


"Now nothing is holding me back from you
Redeemer of my soul
Now nothing can hold me back from you
Your love will never let me go," Torwalts 'Nothing Holding me Back."

"I need You
To soften my heart and break me apart
I need You
To open my eyes, to see that You're shaping my life
All I am, I surrender
Give me faith to trust what You say,
That You're good and Your love is great
I'm broken inside, I give You my life," Elevation Worship 'Give me Faith.'

"I will not fight You
Take me past the line that my heart draws
I will not fight You
Take me beyond the laziness of my thoughts
I will not fight
Lead me further than I've gone before
I will not fight You
I'm abandoned to Your call," Rend Collective 'Broken Bread.'
The last 3 weeks have been exhausting emotionally. I've been alone for 2 weeks in a new city where I don't know anyone and I'm 18 hours away from my family and friends. I thought I would get clarity once I got down here. Alas, that hasn't happened. It's brought me back to that place where all I have left is God and that's the only comfort I've had besides dog kisses. I prayed I'd be made vulnerable and be back at that place where it was only God and I, and that's exactly what I got just not how I thought it would happen. You know, we pray for things from God, but if you're like me your mind has it made up how that should happen and what the exact game plan should be. Oh, the hilarity to think God would follow MY game plan!

What kind of physician should I be God? I prayed this for two years as I struggled to find the passion and excitement that I thought I'd have after sitting for two years in the classroom. It is a battle that I've still been fighting, and I wonder if I made the wrong decision. Did I work so long in vain? My mind has been so confused! One minute I'm excited about one idea of what my practice could look like, and the next I'm in despair thinking what a dumb idea that would be. I've prayed for discernment, but I look back and I feel like I've had mixed signals from God. Go here, do this! Oh, or you'd be good at this! Feelings? Mixed signals? Is this how the God of the Universe operates? Absolutely not! It's been discouraging, because my friends and classmates seem to have clear paths and callings that they are so excited to follow and I've felt behind the curb. My time down here has been spent praying, crying, and feeling like I'm stuck in a huge hole that there is not end in sight to. Our house hasn't sold, no church has called for Robert, and my heart feels like it was left back in Missouri. People tell me God didn't bring us down here to drop us and leave us hanging, but that's exactly how I've felt. 

I know we aren't guaranteed easiness as Christians, and though my pain is real I have to keep my life in perspective and that others are suffering much worse. There's one lesson I've learned down here in two weeks: perspective. I cried and whined for a couple of years while I was in KC that it didn't feel like home, and just when I made it home it got ripped away from me. I desperately miss my church family. I knew that my heart had finally opened up and let them in and that I loved them a lot, but man I didn't realize how much they mean to me! Then there's the missing my husband part of the equation. I think I appreciated him, but I often let little things get to me and I didn't respect him like a wife should respect her husband. While I don't feel it's fair we have to be apart for an undetermined amount of time, I trust that God has a plan and is refining our relationship to be better than ever when we are together again. If the military wives can do it, then I can, right?! All of this has brought to my attention that I need to treasure things while I have them, because nothing lasts forever. 

God also revealed to me that I am learning to put into practice what I preach as a physician. If you know me, then you know I love discussing mental health and approaching it holistically. The last 3 weeks I've hit a bought of depression. You know, the eat one meal a day-lay in bed all day-cry at the drop a hat with those uncontrollable sobs that come from deep down in your soul-questionable hygiene-can't fall asleep kind of depression. I know this and recognize that I'm unhappy. Am I depressed? Yes, sure. Do I need to go on anti-depressants? No. It's situational, and at some point the situation will get some resolution. I can combat it with prayer and reading the Bible, which should be my number one (I'm getting there). I can call a friend when I feel alone. I can force myself to sit in the sun and get my daily dose of vitamin D to get my happy neurotransmitters a-flowing. I can put on stinky yoga pants (I didn't have a washer for 3 weeks....:) ) and I can do some yoga outside while my dogs play or I can blast some Christian music and go run by the ocean. God spoke to my soul today about what he's teaching me through this that I can use to reach my patients. 

God also reminded me that there are things that I love in medicine, and even though I've felt lesser of a physician for liking certain aspects of medicine that are looked down on by many others, if that's what He's called me to do there's nothing little about it! Wow, it seems so small and obvious but it was a revelation to my heart! I don't know what it means, but I do know I do not like feeling like my life isn't aligned with God's purpose for me. I've been reading 1 Samuel and I realized that my life is a bit like the Israelites when they panicked and begged Samuel for a King. It wasn't God's plan and they didn't listen to Samuel's warnings, so instead of having what God intended for them they got something flawed. I didn't listen to God is what it comes down to. It seems that somewhere along the way through the stress and pressures of medical school that I lost my way and let the world dictate my direction and not let God. I didn't mean to and I thought I was seeking Him, but I think I forgot some of the whispers to my heart He gave me throughout the way and let the opinions of others and the inadequacy of my heart lead the way. Sheesh, will I ever learn? I pray God continues to speak to me and show me the way in the next few weeks and months and that my mind would discern with clarity what my purpose is in medicine. I pray that God will have sole leadership of my heart and that wherever He directs me I follow no matter how hard the course will be. I pray I won't stress, panic, or worry that God won't reveal His plan to me, and that my heart will be still and wait for His perfect timing. 

Travel Tales

Well, I live in Texas, so that's new. It was an interesting 18 hour trip down here. Bob drove the Penske truck with our dog Hobbs, and I followed behind in my little Yaris with our dog Denver.

 The first half of the trip was great. We drove through the hills of Kansas and Oklahoma, and avoided the crazy interstate with toll roads. It was peaceful and went pretty quickly, except for the one toll road in Oklahoma we had to go through: that was a a good time.

I must preface that I've only been through toll roads with friends, so I'm a little slow on the uptake on the process. Robert and I made sure have to have a bunch of dollar bills, so I thought we were set. Once we got to the toll, it was fast moving with one line that said "Cars with exact change here" and the next line said "Other Vehicles and other methods of payments here," I chose the previous, because I figured it was a machine and it would be faster because I had exactly two dollars. One problemo bucko, I didn't realize change meant actual change. Who in the heck has coins this day and age?! My problem was also exacerbated by my simpleton mind not understanding where the heck the hole was for the money. I finally figured out you put your money in this big funnel thing, but I'm thinking, "How is this hole going to accept my dollar bills? Who counts this money anyways?!" The sweat was pouring from my brow as I try to stuff my dollar bills in the hole at the bottom of the funnel. CRAAAP, that is definitely not working! I looked to my right where the lady at the station next to mine was taking money hoping she'd see my pleading face that I needed HELP. Nope, no luck, and then I turned around to see Robert peeling away in the moving truck. What the expletive am I going to do now?! I contemplated pulling forward, but there didn't seem to be a place to turn around and I just knew a cop would be around to pull me over and send me to jail for not knowing the rules of the toll.  I was sure there was no way I was going to have enough change, and at this point a nice long line of cars was forming behind me, and some kind sir had his window down yelling more expletives and honking his horn. I suddenly LOATHED Oklahoma and swore I'd never come back (sorry Pioneer Woman! Love ya!).  I then started dumping change from my slot in my car door and I didn't think it would be enough. Then I dug around my console and was throwing penny after penny into the darned hole. AAAAA, it was just enough. I was sure Jesus stretched my pennies like he stretched out the fish and bread to feed the 5,000. Thanks, God!

Once we arrived in Texas, it was time for a potty break. We stopped at a dinky hole in the wall, so we could avoid the craziness of Dallas. Once I entered this bathroom, it took everything in me not to vomit. It could be said with certainty that some male used a certain organ like a garden hose and drenched that room in urine. It stunk to high heavens and there were weird stains all over (gag, gag, gag!). It was one of those classy establishments with with a urinal, toilet, and vending machines all in one room (a 3 for 1 deal, I guess!). I was attempting to use the restroom in a lady-like manner, but there were no blasted seat covers. "For the love of Pete, I WILL NOT sit down on this toilet!" It was just not the kind of restroom you could put your standards of public toilets behind you and just get over it and sit down. Being the resourceful gal I am, I thought, "I got this. I'll just hold a squat and carefully avoid touching the seat. No biggie." Ha, no biggie until I realized after stopping a million times for pee breaks due to my large beverage consumption I didn't have enough reserves for a nice steady stream, so instead I felt pee start dribbling down my leg, and I was squatted too far up to hit the hole. "I AM ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE. I'M ONE OF THOSE DIRTY URINE SMELLING PEOPLE!!!!" I cleaned up, and ran out laughing telling Robert my story. He just rolled his eyes at his crazy wife. (Please tell me I'm not the only lady who in the attempt of avoiding disgusting toilets, has accidentally tinkled down her leg. If I am the only one, then shut up, this was hours into an 18 hour trip!)

Once urine gate 2014 was over, then we hit the road again towards Dallas. I realized we weren't in Missouri anymore! The overpasses towered over our interstate and looked like something from a futuristic movie. "My gosh, things really are bigger in Texas!" The trip began to get a little hairy from here, because of construction on I-35 which meant road barriers were on each side of the road eliminating the shoulders. I think Robert was biting his nails hoping the moving truck didn't bounce of the barriers like a pin ball machine. My heart was racing the entire time, because the speeds were fast and the roads were narrow. At one point driving through Texas, the speed limit got as high as 85! I get it, because Texas is boring and everyone wants to speed on through, but that just doesn't seem safe! Robert kept us powering through the trip, and refused to pay for a hotel, so I was slapping myself and shoving Sour Straws down my throat to stay awake. The later it got, the more emotional I became realizing I was SO far from HOME and that I would rarely ever get to visit my family, friends, and church. It was finally sinking in that I wouldn't get to call Missouri home for at least 3 years. A few tears were shed, and after 18 hours of driving and taking breaks we got to our new house. It was quite the adventure, and I told Robert I will never again drive it. Only flying for this gal!