The outside appearance is often misleading. I may appear confident, but I have struggled with who I am and what I am capable of for as long as I can remember. Throughout grade school, people were scared of me because I am opinionated and strong willed, but that was a great cover for what I felt inside. I liked to work hard and please others, so I studied and managed to make good grades. I somewhat worked hard at track and softball, and I was above average in both. The outside achievements hid the darkness I felt inside.
When I look back at what I achieved, the memories are marred by the times I doubted my capabilities. The races I mentally defeated myself before I ran, and the times I held back because I thought there was no way I could win or that I didn't have the ability to keep up with my components. The memories of mentally sabotaging myself pitching on the softball mound or being up to bat and not believing I could make contact. They call people like me "head cases," and I definitely excelled at being one.
School and sports were not the only areas I felt defeated, but I also disliked who I was inside and out. I HATED what I looked like, and I was the typical female who thought she was fat and ugly. When I got to college, I met some awesome ladies, and I never knew why they wanted to be MY friend. I'd replay my faults and failures in grade school and high school, and cry myself to sleep many nights wondering why anyone would want to be my friend. My strong personality masked the pain I really felt. I overcompensated by throwing myself into school and friendships, and working hard to be perfect. I didn't accept failure. If I made B's, said a wrong answer in class, or got weird looks from someone at a social event I would go home and cry and beat myself over for days at 'failure.' I was literally psychotic in college. Get a wrong answer, and I'd be in the professors office the next day. Disagree with the grading, and I'd be first lined up to argue. I studied 24/7 and had no grace for myself.
How did I ever work through the mental mess I was? God's grace and mercy are number one in my books. I remember the first life altering event that started to change my perspective of what's important: when my high school best friend died tragically in a car accident the first week of medical school. Can you imagine the neurotic Hannah facing her medical school test, and being forced to step away from school for 4 days and not being able to be emotionally stable enough to open up a book?! It's unfortunate that the death of a friend was what took me to slow down, and face reality that school is not the most important thing in life. Acing a test does not determine who I am. It was the first time I studied what I could, took breaks, and took breaths. It would be okay no matter what I got on that test as long as I passed. It was quite a change for a perfectionist.
I continued to try to keep the frame of mind in medical school that no matter how a test went or a rotation went that it's okay, because I would make it through. I still had to remind myself frequently that life would go on if I got a C or didn't finish 1st in my class. It was mentally taxing for a loon like myself to start a new rotation each month with new doctors to impress and new stuff to learn, and to not let it get to me if I got yelled at in the OR or if a nurse was mean to me for doing something wrong. I made it through medical school, and guess what, I survived! I also gave myself a pass with my friendships. Instead of overcompensating, visiting everyone, sending cards, and calling frequently, I reminded myself true friends would still be there and that I didn't have to be a perfect person to deserve their friendship.
I still have negative thoughts about my appearance, especially after gaining 30 pounds since college. Seriously, I look at a cookie and don't work out and boom, I gain 10 pounds. It's embarrassing, but I am more confident that I am still healthy and beautiful. I do what I can, and by golly, I can lose this weight. I have to take those deep breaths, look in the mirror and remind myself it is a new day and I can make changes little by little to reach my goals. I no longer have to mentally psyche myself out like I did in track, but I can start with where I am and go, go, go. I have embraced my quirkiness, and I am at a place I like who I am. I've accepted I'm not a size 2 anymore, and that's okay. I've accepted I am not the best at large social gatherings and I'm kind of awkward, but guess what, put me one and one and no one will love a person more than me. I may care too much and take things personally, but I now see that as a strength, because as one of my medical school attendings told me once, "People just want to be taken care of well," and dang-it I'll care for you like you're my family. I might have weird taste in clothing, love bright things and old hats, and all things old, but I actually love that about myself. I'm still opinionated, but I see that as a strength that I think for myself and stand for what I believe. I may be obsessed with pies and farmer's markets, but apparently that is cool now. I may be obsessed with my dogs, but hey I like rescuing things, and some day I am going to rescue children and fill my house-up with them and then you won't think I am so weird. I have old fashioned values, and outdated opinions, but my parents taught me there is more than the world tells us life is about, and I am grateful they taught me the simple pleasures in life.
This post was inspired by feeling defeated the past week working in the ED. I am not keeping up the with patient volume, coming up with the correct diagnosis like I should, or excelling like I want. I have turned back into that timid self-defeating mouse from high school. I woke up this morning, and said, "Self, this is shift 4 of 12. You aren't even half done yet, so keep going, learning, asking questions every day, taking chances, and by shift 12 you will be THAT much better." I almost forgot my own advice today when I let some cross words from a colleague get to me, and I felt so stupid. When people talk to me in that tone, you know the one, like you're stupid why are you bothering me? Yeah, that one gets me deep down every time. It's that tone that immediately makes me want to cry and say mean things to myself. My immediately thought, "I already think I'm stupid, so thanks you're not telling me anything new, folks!" I chose to combat those negative thoughts, and remind myself each moment is new, next time I'll get that right! I can persevere, and I will be better a doctor and person for giving it my best each day. God is cheering me on, and yes I can!
