Hello God, are you there?

Lately I've been questioning God about just about everything. I've been doubting my career, my relationships, my faith, etc.

 God, why did you lead me to medical school? Did our signals get crossed, and I was supposed to do something else?

 God, why do I feel alone? 

God, when will I finally feel like I'm doing something for your kingdom?

 God, why are relationships so hard?

 God, why did you make me like you did? You really love me???? Are you sure? Because I don't love myself. I hate the way I look. I hate the things I say. I hate the ugliness of my heart. I hate the way I feel. I just don't feel fit for serving You.

 I know the drill. Search for God, talk with God, find contentment. He is there. He does love you and uses the most unlikely person to fulfill His work. But do you have those days that drag to weeks that lead to months of feeling a million miles from God? Satan's work for sure, but sometimes it feels so real and so truthful it is hard to remember there is a creator who loves and adores me. It becomes a battle to look in the mirror, because all I see is failure. Failure to extend grace to others. Failure to stop gossiping. Failure to be patient. Failure to be beautiful. It is a never-ending struggle to be confident and believe I have purpose for God's kingdom.

 I have a feeling I'm not alone. I think a lot of women are plagued with these same battles. We second guess our station in life and compare it to other women. Am I doing it right, or is she? How many times have you found yourself there? In the deep dark pit of Satan's lies? In a pit that feels like you will never crawl out? It doesn't help that we put on a our best around others. We don't share our struggles. We don't let our guard down. We put on our Sunday best and pretend like all is well in the world. Believe me, I feel like I'm there every stinking day. Especially lately.

 Then of course Satan likes to run with those feelings and tell us they aren't significant. God doesn't care about my feelings, when people around the world are suffering unimaginable injustices. He doesn't have time to hear about my insignificant complaints when other people are praying for food, shelter, and freedom. Who am I?

 I'm in need of a breath of life to remind me of my purpose. Here is my current favorite worship song. It's repetitive, but powerful.

You'll Freeze Your Titties Off: Humor in Unexpected Places

Hi. I'm Hannah. A preacher's wife. A medical student. A sassy little lady who is living a life she never saw coming. Life has been...well...interesting the past 2.5 years. I started medical school, got married, became a pastor's wife, and the "mom" of two awesome dogs.

It's been a wild ride so far as two 26 years old attempting to establish a marriage and lead a church. It's a bloodbath sometimes just making it through the week between school, housework, church, and learning how to love a new spouse through all the craziness. I often feel like people expect me to be perfect and have some blissful marriage full of love and butterflies because I'm married to the pastor, but maybe that's just the expectation I put on myself. I felt compelled to start blogging about my adventures as a Christian woman attempting to follow the call Jesus has set before me, but being real and honest about struggles every woman faces but doesn't discuss. Maybe it's shame. Pressure from society. Whatever your reason, I think it's time Christian woman united and uplifted one another with laughs, love, and encouragement. So there it is. My purpose of this blog. I guess my first blog is meant to make you laugh. The story behind my title: A few weeks ago I was a door greeter before our Sunday evening service. I was holding the door open for my favorite little lady. She says to me, "Sweetie, you better get inside, it's cold out here." I assured her I was fine and that the weather was actually quite nice. She replied, "Well you are going to freeze." I again assured her I was okay to hold the door for her. She then came from left field and said, "Well you are going to freeze your titties off," and then proceeded to grab my cardigan and close it for me. Oh. my. goodness. My jaw dropped and I was too shocked to say anything. She then said, "You are supposed to laugh," and then walked off. We often have the pressure of being perfect, not messing up, living up to some unreal expectation of a woman of God. It's just not true. Beyond appearances we are real women with personalities. I saw a new side of my little lady friend when she made me laugh in the the most unexpected way, and it was a great reminder that we can live and breath and be honest with our sisters in Christ. She reminded me I can be the fun, sassy, often intense Hannah that I am and it's not a sin. Thank you Jesus, because the sass just has a mind of it's own.