Part Two: What now?

The young doctor got to her school and her SOAP week began. Here's a little bit about SOAP or "the scramble" process: For students who don't match to a program, they go through a 4 day process called supplemental application. During this time they get a list of unfilled programs and can apply to 45 programs. Programs can call applicants that look good on paper and phone or skype interview them. Wednesday and Thurday then consist of rounds of matching. The applicant can receive multiple offers in a round and they have 2, yes TWO, hours to say yes or no, and that reply is a legally binding offer. At no point can they initiate contact with a program or have someone do so on their behalf, so this whole process is based off a computer application. Then, at the end of the rounds on Thursday students that are left unmatched still can contact any remaining programs. As an Osteopathic student you can also get a list of unfilled programs from their match (yes, they have a separate match a month before this allopathic-MD- match). Then basically programs can call you, they typically talk to you a few minutes, and then make an offer right then. You only have a few minutes to hours to make a decision, or they will move on to other applicants.

Okay, now that you know the basics, back to the original story: The medical student acquired a list of programs in pediatrics, psychiatry, internal medicine-pediatrics dual residency, peds-psych-child psych triple board, family medicine, and traditional one year internship. Her husband met her at the school and they began forming a list of programs that would be near churches and seminaries for him. She sent in applications Monday night, and got a call from a peds-psych-child psych program that was her number one choice! She was ecstatic, and the conversation went well and led to an offer for a Skype interview the next day. She ended a crazy day feeling hopeful that this program was meant just for her. Her spirits were also lifted by the support of her friends Heidi and Will who fed her and the husband and listened to their newest life complication.

Tuesday: She got 2 calls from internal medicine-pediatrics dual board residency programs and 1 from a psychiatry program. The hope remained, because she felt good her application stood out for calls. The Skype interview didn't go great, and she felt she didn't make a connection with the doctor interviewing her. Her spirits dropped, and she got done with the interview and had her first tearful breakdown feeling no one would hire her. Interviews terrify her, and she finds bragging about herself and kissing butt about each program a really painful process. She tried to keep her chin up, because one program had told her how great a applicant she was with good grades and test scores so she felt competitive. Tuesday ended with feeling okay, because the rounds would begin the next morning and she had a few calls. Her fingers were crossed and prayers were said for a good turnout. She was lucky for her friend Megan who brought homemade macaroni over for dinner, or else she wouldn't have eaten that day.

Wednesday: The young doctor didn't get anymore calls that morning, but she had sent up follow-up emails with the programs that had already contacted her. She then waited until 11am for round one. Up popped the results; You do not have any offers this round.This led to breakdown number 2, but she remained in front of the computer staring at the screen for 3 hours until round 2, the last round of the day. Again, no offers. Tears flooded her eyes, and she decided to head to campus before the period ended where she could apply to programs. She thought surely the adviser for Match could help her make a game plan. She got there and no one was to be seen in the conference room that was supposed to be set up to help. When she found him in his office, he was chit chatting with another student about a non urgent issue and the student had 1 hour before her finalized applications were due. 10 minutes of waiting and he moseyed out to help her. FINALLY. She vented a bit about feeling like a strong applicant, but not getting any offers. He tried telling her it's just competitive, but he didn't offer much reassurance. He set her up with a computer, and left the room. Yes, sir! He left the room and came back 30 minutes later AFTER her list was already due. So much for getting advice on programs to apply to. She headed to her friends house, Rachel, who fed her and encouraged her that God would provide. She then went home and told her husband how the past 4 years of working hard was for nothing. The time was wasted, and she had no idea why after all this time God would just let His plans for her fall through. She laid in bed in the dark at 6pm for hours just staring into space wondering why she was going through this and what would happen with her future. Her appetite was zilch, and she alternated between crying and staring, staring and crying. It was a rough night and no sleep occurred.

Thursday: She woke up bright and early after laying in bed in emotional misery all night. Her plan was to head to campus and talk to someone new, because she was fairly certain she wasn't going to match that morning, which meant a new process to obtain a position. When she got to campus, the man she wanted to see was gone to a convention, so his secretary tried to help her. She offered to get the man the young doctor had spoken to the day before, but she requested it be someone different. Come to find out it didn't matter because he had taken off Thursday and Friday for vacation! This meant the two men in charge of helping people who didn't match were gone during Match week! The student was infuriated and started panicking. The secretary attempted to calm her, and then in walked the school president. He was helpful and listened to the student's concerns, and agreed she needed to speak with someone to develop a game plan to help her get to her goal of peds. He went and got the dean.... This led to a 20 minutes of unfruitful, snarky remarks from him... in short he told her, and I quote, "Well you didn't play the match smart, You should have applied to more programs in more cities." to which she replied, "Okay, and there's nothing I can do about that now." to which he said rudely, "Okay, fine, yeah enough said about that." He then advised the young student that she should just big a position, the first one that makes an offer no matter what specialty, because she needs a job. She tried to express her concern that she didn't want to be picky, but she did have goals and didn't just want to say yes to the first program. His reply "Well you didn't play the match right and now you are paying the repercussions, so yeah you can't be picky. just pick a place. You'll find I'm very up front with people." The young doctor was furious this was advice she got after paying hundreds of thousands of dollars to this school, and thought the guy was a real....insert explative. The dean then proceeded to get on his phone and call a program without asking in INTERNAL MEDICINE- a specialty she didn't care for. He told her to call the program, and keep him updated, and that was the end of the awesome advice. When the rounds concluded at 4pm that day, she could then begin calling and emailing her resume to any and every residency with an open position. Basically nothing was open in the MD (allopathic) world, so she contacted DO (osteopathic programs). She did have a lead there might be spots opening up in peds at a hospital in MO, so she called and was told no positions would open. Her dreams suddenly came crashing down, but she tried persevering. She emailed and called until 2am. She got one call that night from a psych program in Miami, but felt that was not the place for her.

Friday: Calls started coming in at 6am for psych and family medicine osteopathic programs. She got quite a few offers, but was still hesitant because she felt in her gut she was supposed to be doing peds. But by 12pm she had an offer from Corpus Christi, TX and was told if she didn't call back within a few minutes the position could be gone later in the day. She verbally accepted and was happy to have a job, but crushed she'd be moving 15 hours away for a specialty she didn't feel called for. A few hours later she found out in deed the pediatric positions would open, so then she felt trapped. Did she just throw away her one opportunity? She decided to forget it. Her husband took her out on a double date and they celebrated the new job, although they were both sad about the outcome.

Saturday: She wrestled with sending an email to the peds program, just to check it out. She finally did that night, and heard back Monday that they still weren't sure they would have spots. The doctor felt she must fight with all her might until God clearly closes the door. She had doctors call the program the next day, but received an email they kept with their rank list and didn't interview anyone else. It was final that TX would be her future home.



That's my crazy story in short, but honestly no words could describe the emotions I felt the past two weeks. I felt anger and betrayal that I had prayed for direction and felt peace about it, but that pediatrics got yanked from me. Not only that, I didn't even get my second choice of psychiatry. I question why God had given me the gifts, the visions, the heart for these specialties, but then placed me somewhere else. The harder pill to swallow has been not only a specialty I felt wasn't my calling, but to have me move 15hrs away, leave my husband and dogs for who knows how long, and live away from home. I was just getting my house settled and finally feeling like the KC area was home, and then BAM, nope sorry, you have to move AGAIN. It makes me SO mad. The pieces don't seem to fit as to why this whole process is happening to our family. My husband has a church that is thriving, a job as a pastor he LOVES, and a seminary program he is knee deep in Biblical languages. It's like seriously, why are BOTH of us being ripped from what we feel God called us to do?!?! It's been disheartening, and it feels like I'm moving through life in a fog. I'm utterly humiliated that I repeatedly got turned down, and that programs didn't like me for whatever reason. Of course, then there is the trusty, "God's got plans, you'll see." or the "Something will open up, just have faith." or "Can't you just call the hospitals around here and find a job." No actually, that door has been slammed shut so hard in my face that no in fact I can't just find any ole' job here and my faith tank is running on fumes people! I've had my good moments this week thanks to my husband cheering me up and drowning my pain in tubs of buttered movie popcorn and candy, but I've also had those quiet moments where I feel abandoned by God. I see my classmates who matched to places they are so excited about it, but I can barely fathom that in 1.5months I won't even live in my house or see my husband. My excitement, is well, none.

Tonight, I decided to start reading Job. No, I don't think my job crisis is the equivalent of becoming diseased, losing all family, and losing all wealth, but I knew I needed a reminder that sometimes things happen because Satan is trying to distract God's fruitful workers. In my study Bible intro to Job it states, "Among God's creatures there is the great adversary. Incapable of contending with God hand to hand, power pitted against power, he is bent on frustrating God's creation enterprise centered on God's relationship with the creature that bears his image. As tempter he seeks to alienate humans from God; as accuser he seeks to alienate God from humans. His all-consuming purpose is to drive an irremovable wedge between God and humans to effect an alienation that cannot be reconciled." This reminded me of Satan's attempt to crush us when we are making big moves for God. My goal is to remember this week that God is still God, and He will help us through even if it doesn't feel like it right now. Easier said than done. I will leave you with a song I've had on repeat all night:

"I've made a place for you hear, so come on, come on, All things are possible, so come on, come on." 

I love this phrase. I need to make a place for God in my heart, and allow Him to work. Prayers for me as I try to do this!

Matchmaker, matchmaker, Make me a Match

Well my, oh my, how things have changed since I last wrote. My world has been turned over, shaken up, and completely changed in a matter of 1.5 weeks. How do I even start with explaining what happened? I guess we will start at the beginning:

Once upon a time there was a medical student named Hannah who was in the midst of her 3rd and 4th years of medical school. She would battle the evils of illness and injury alongside a different doctor each month. People would ask her, "Are you a doctor yet?" or "So you're going to be a nurse?" or "So are you still in the classroom?" or "So you're an intern? Or are you a resident? By the way, what's the difference?" She'd answer these questions the best she could, but it was hard for people to understand the process of medical school training. Many people thought she would be a great pediatrician, because she loved kids and always had a baby in her hands. When she started school she thought the same thing, but as clinicals went on she became more confused. She developed a passion for mental health and seemed to have a real knack for connecting with that patient population, so then she thought about psychiatry. She wasn't enjoying family medicine much, until early in her fourth year when she rotated with an older doctor in Oak Grove who drank coffee with his longtime patients, could treat almost any illness, and who clearly loved his job. She became really confused and started praying to God that He would shine some light on her future path.

Around this same time period of her clinicals, her husband's ministry at a local church was thriving and the church was growing exponentially. Many baptisms were performed, and the pews were filling up on Sunday mornings. Change was happening and it was an exciting time for the church. A vote took place to build an addition, but this was a big venture for the church and they required a lot of trust and leadership from their pastor. He and his wife prayed for direction and verbally committed to the church that they were in it for the long haul and would not leave the church anytime soon. For the wife this meant that she was committing to stay in Kansas City for her residency program after medical school, but she trusted it would all work out.

Through the summer and fall of her 4th year of medical school, the young student doctor began applying to programs in KC for residency. She was still confused on direction, but she also knew limiting herself to one city meant the smartest thing to do was apply to different specialties so that she was applying to enough programs. For a reference, the typical medical student picks one specialty and applies all over the country to AT LEAST 20 programs. She knew it was risky, but she trusted God would take care of her since He called her family to stay in KC. She applied to 4 programs in KC, 1 peds, 1 psych, and 2 family medicine programs. Although there were a few more programs she could have applied to to increase the number and chances of matching, she decided against it because she had heard about the programs and just wasn't impressed and decided they weren't even worth applying to. The interview season began and all 4 programs interviewed her. They went okay, although programs did seem to dislike her strategy to apply only in KC to multiple specialties. Where the student really thrived was on her rotations at 3 of the 4 of these programs. She worked hard, got along with residents, wrote great notes, and the faculty seemed to like her work ethic. She truly believed this would help her win a spot in KC.

She was still struggling with what she would rank as her first choice. She prayed up until applications were due in February for what God wanted her to pursue. None of the programs felt right to her. One she just didn't like, although the people and faculty were nice it didn't seem like a good fit. Another was busy and she learned a lot and performed well, but again she didn't feel a strong bond with the residents. She thought she'd be fine if she matched there, but she didn't think it would be her top choice. The third hospital she didn't get to do a rotation at, but her interviews went well and she felt okay. When she left that interview day, she wasn't wowed and felt like the program was lacking in important areas. She also did not have any sort of bond with the current residents. She got asked in the interview if she would be able to come to social events since she was married and her husband was busy, and that didn't settle well with her but she shrugged it off and figured she'd cross that bridge when it came. The final program was huge, prestigious, and VERY busy. She felt like she was a rockstar during her time there, and was told by faculty they'd love to have her, the residents gave her great feedback and said they'd rank her high, and she even got a pat on the back during a residency meeting for handling the patient's well. She left the rotation thinking she did great, but during her time there she sensed the residents were short with one another and seemed too stressed to be cordial half of the time. She left her last day saying she had a good time there, but wouldn't be upset if she didn't ever come back there. Where did this leave the young doctor when these are her only choices? It left her with prayer and asking God for direction.

She prayed and prayed in December, January, and February, and finally in February through prayer and advisement by an amazing doctor she felt the call to pediatrics. She loved children and dreamed of specializing in behavior and devlopment or child abuse and neglect to serve foster and adopted children and their families. It seemed like a great combination of pediatrics and psychiatry! The children's hospital was her top choice, followed by the rest and she felt 100% peace about the decision. She typically was a worrier and stewed over the outcome, but during the month of waiting she felt confident in decision and told her friends and husband she had zero worry about matching in KC. Her resume was good, she had good clinicals, and the interviews went okay so she trusted God to match her.

Many of you may be wondering what the heck is Match week? Well, IT'S ONLY THE MOST IMPORTANT PERIOD IN A MEDICAL SCHOOL STUDENT'S CAREER! In short, you send a rank listed of the most desired to least desired programs you'd like and each program does this for the people they interview, and then some computer system takes a few minutes and matches or doesn't match you to a program. It's a bit more complicated than that, but if you aren't ranked high enough on any list you won't match. The Friday before Match week you get an email telling you instructions for the case you wouldn't match. The young student laughed and said I'm not worried at all, because God has given me a peace I'll match. Again, this is weird for worry-wart student.

Monday March 17 rolled around and she was casually checking her email when she got an email about the match. She read it at work and her eyes couldn't believe the words, " We are sorry you didn't match to any program." She was SO confused and bolted out of work to head to school. Her immediate reaction was anger, how could these programs not rank me high enough?! IT MUST BE A MISTAKE! She zoomed to school and found the list of unfilled programs, and her scramble week began. To be continued....

God is Enough

My mind has been filled with thought about the evilness and badness that exists in our world. I've noticed that over the years I've become much more emotion filled when I think of crap that happens in our world. Abused children with broken bones, bruises, burns, empty bellies, and hurting hearts. Countries full of war where women are brutally raped, children are starving, and the sound of bombs and bullets are a daily occurrence.  A worldwide market of children and women enslaved to serve the perverse fantasies of adult men. You can't drive down I-70 without seeing signs for "gentleman's clubs" and "adult stores," all so some sleezy men can pull over for some cheap thrills at someone else's expense. There are daily news reports of people torturing animals- starving them, chaining them in the heat and cold, and leaving them to die.

There are days I think my heart may literally break, because of stories like these. It's often hard for me to fathom why I have it so good, while others are in a daily hell. My heart aches when I hear of children who it seems never even had a chance- born into poverty, abused, neglected, no resources, raped, etc. "GOD, WHY SPARE ME?" I cry out. The problems seem too big to ever go away. What could I possibly do to help?

I can look back at my childhood and see the way God was shaping my heart to care for these people. That's why he spared me! As a young girl, my parents taught me through example what it meant to serve others. My mom taught special ed, and I can see how her work ethic and heart to serve these kids made me want to do the same. I was the kid reading history books about the atrocities in Nazi Germany, and I thought Anne Frank was so brave. I can remember watching an episode of 20/20 with Hugh Downs and Barbara Walters about the orphanages in Romania that were full of cribs and babies who were never held. I remember thinking,"I'll go there! I'll hold all of those babies and love them." I was the girl that said I'm never having my own babies, instead I'm going to foster and adopt kids who need parents. These seemed liked insignificant events, but were really so important as God was shaping my heart to bear the burden to serve others.

I've been in a limbo the last 2 years trying to figure out how these passions to serve the hurting mesh with my medical career and where does God want me to serve. I still feel inadequate to be a doctor and go to these places that seem scary and dangerous. How will I be brave enough to do it? I've struggled with choosing between psychiatry and pediatrics, and after much prayer I'm pursuing pediatrics and praying I will match there in March. I often get strange looks when I tell people I love psychiatry, but I find it a field of people misunderstood and in need for healing and Jesus. My ultimate goal is to blend my love for mental illness and my love for kids and become a behavior and development pediatrician who specifically works with families who are fostering and adopting children. We live in a world in desperate need of parents for these unwanted children, but it can be a scary task for parents to take these kids into their homes.  I get reactions from people like I could never make a difference, because the damage is already done and the cycle continues for the people- A lost cause mentality. God has reminded me that this a lie directly from the enemy. We don't take on tasks for God on the basis of guaranteed success; we take them on because of a commandment to serve others and show them the hope of God. We might never see the final product of the seeds we plant, but God can take them and create miracles!

It's all nerve wracking and exciting, but through this process God has really got my heart on fire to do what I came to medical school to do. I came to get an education, so I can go and serve God's people. I want to travel overseas to Africa and Romania and serve the children. I want to serve families who adopt and foster and help them through parenting a kid with baggage and behavioral issues. I want to fill my house with foster kids and tell them,"Satan has been lying to you since day one. You are loved. You are important and I'm not going anywhere." I finally have that fire again where I want to tell satan face-to-face, "Look here moron, despite what you tell me, I can do this and God will prevail over you!" Without God, these tasks are impossible, but with God there's no end to the miracles and healing He can do! 

God has called us to so much more than cowering in the corner too scared to reach the lost and hurting, and I'm thankful He reminded me of this during worship this morning during these awesome songs:

"....Love has come and we're orphans no longer....It's rising it's rising, A song of hope from us set free..."

"...His love is fierce, His love is strong, It is furious...And it's waking hearts to life!"

So people, my message to you is to live this week with abandon and bear the burden for someone in need. Thank you Jesus for the blessings you have bestowed on us to share with others! I leave you with the last of my series of poems. This poem was written by me in my last few months living in STL. I was on fire for STL and seeing change in the city. I would go to the huge city park there and sit on a beautiful hill that overlooked a fountain by the art museum. I even had the courage to organize a prayer for the city with church members and old co-workers. I feel like I am finally back to that place of being on fire for God and on fire for change in this cold world. God is hope and He wants so much from our lives! Believe it!

I stand alone on a hill,
Seeking Your truth and presence;
Praying for Your Church,
to be on it's knees in reverence.

The Church is failing it's mission,
To spread the good news;
Our hearts work in vain,
Speaking Your words as we choose.

We bastardize the Church,
As we prostitute your teachings;
Relevance has become the goal,
It's the focus of our preachings.

Our lives are mere glimpses,
They reflect truth in only parts;
Because the Spirit is not the focus,
Leading the desires of our hearts.

We speak of revival,
A renewal of your people;
But the Church is content to stay,
Hidden behind the steeple.

Did we miss the work of Jesus,
The dirt roads he tread?
He called those from their comfort,
Abandoning lives they once lead.

Don't be deceived by the enemy,
Believing you're not to blame;
Until the world seeks His glory,
You carry a load of the shame.

Surrender your every thought,
Present it as holy offering;
Believe in the power of the Spirit,
and the majesty of the King.

May a holy fire burn deep,
A revolution is my cry;
May we drink of the Holy River,
and no longer be dry.