Break time

Do you ever have those days you just feel like you are failing? You aren't fulfilling a purpose and you're discouraged? Yeah, me too. It's how I feel today, and instead of moping I'm giving myself permission to take a break. So here you go, a funny story from my life as a resident for your reading pleasure. Grab a cup of coffee, a cookie, light your favorite candle, and TAKE A BREAK.

I preface with the disclaimer that I love little old ladies. Especially ladies in the church, because I think we often think of them as sweet, ole ladies who are soft spoken and well-behaved. This is mostly true, except, when it's not. Those little old ladies are feisty and spunky, and it's like their appearance is a disguise for the personality within. The other day one of the patients started telling us about her friend, Sugar who taught Sunday school with her. Sugar and Bunny taught together, and the kids loved it. The patient proceeds to tell us that being from a different generation she has to really watch what she says, because words don't always mean what they used to. She said, for example, when she was growing up everyone called cats the p word (except she said the word). She said one day she was teaching elementary Sunday school with Sugar and called a cat the p word, and Sugar pulled her aside and said, "Bunny, you can't use that word. It doesn't mean cat anymore." She chuckled and said she hasn't used that word since.  The room was rolling on the floor after that story.

That my friend, is your break time story. You're welcome!

Overwhelmed

I think I'm getting the hang of this doctor thing. Well, kind of. Most days I walk around smiling and nodding like I know what I'm talking about, but on the inside it's a whole another story. My smile masks the doubt, the insecurity, and the feeling of inadequacy to be a doctor. Forget being a GOOD doctor, most days I struggle with just thinking I can be a doctor, period. Then I have those moments of revelation that this is how every resident feels at one time, even if they don't admit it, and that's reassuring that I'm not a completely daft doctor. 

I struggle with the feelings of wanting to be a great doctor. I want to listen to my patients, reassure them, help them with their needs, and I desire to do that with the love of God shining through my work (sorry if that's too hokey for some of ya'll). In the short time I've been a resident, I have realized that this task is ENORMOUS. There is never enough time to give my patients endless attention, write my notes, research their treatment, and check-up on them throughout the day. The job seems impossible to do well. 

I've told myself I won't be like other doctors who are snappy and have terrible bedside manner. Nah, that won't be me. Then I had a snapping point the other night. It was a Friday and I had already left work, and then my senior resident called for help. I didn't tell her I left, instead I turned around and went back to the hospital to see a patient. It was 8pm and I'd been at the hospital since 6am, it was Friday, and I was tired and hungry. I was interviewing my patient, but of course it was one of those patients who rambles, has a complicated story, and it was taking forever. I've been working on tactfully redirecting my patients when interviews are going like this, so I was constantly re-directing her and asking questions to get a clear history. Then, all of sudden, about 20 minutes in, the patient's son who was a BIG guy starts yelling at me from the corner of the room to not cut the patient off. Oh man, I was like a dog on guard with my hairs on end. I instantly snapped I wasn't cutting her off. He then yelled at me that I indeed cut her off and had been doing it the entire interview. I snapped back that I wasn't cutting her off, I was trying to get a clear story and had to redirect her. He sat back down, but was clearly mad at me.

I was so mad and was telling my senior resident about this jerk who yelled at me, and although I did think he was out of line yelling at me, it hit me. I had to go apologize. Ugh, talk about humble pie. I went up to the patient' s room and asked for the son to come out in the hallway, and I apologized and said it was inappropriate. He said I didn't need to apologize, and he realizes I was trying to do my job. More was said, but in the end it was a good conversation, and we parted ways on good terms.

I tell this story, because I'm daily overwhelmed with feelings that I can't do the job in a manner that would glorify God. It's easy for me to say I won't make those mistakes that other doctors, but in reality I will make those mistakes because no one is perfect. It's going to happen to have 15 hour days on 5 hours of sleep when I'm grumpy and just want to go home. This encounter reminded me that God will be glorified even through my inadequacies if I swallow my pride.

It doesn't matter what your job is, because guaranteed there will be days you feel overwhelmed and inadequate to do the job in a way that glorifies God. These feelings don't disqualify you from the job. Embrace your calling and the skills God has equipped you with to do the job. You will make mistakes, but acknowledge them with humility and move on. I'm not good at admitting I'm wrong, and it would have been really easy to blame things on my patient's son, but I can tell you apologizing to him was the reminder I needed that God has set my course apart from others. Through the craziness He has equipped me to be a doctor, and not just any doctor, but a good doctor who shines Jesus to my patients and co-workers. 

Shadowfeet

"Walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet
towards home, a land that I've never seen
I am changing; less and less asleep
made of different stuff than when I began
And I've sensed it all along
fast approaching is the day...

There's distraction buzzing in my head
Saying in the shadows it's easier to stay
but I've heard rumors of true reality
whispers of a well-lit way

You make all things new." 'Shadowfeet' Brooke Fraser


I often quote lyrics on here, because I love the way Christian music can speak the words and truth of the Bible to me in a memorable way. This song has been my anthem of the month, or something of the sorts. I love what the lyrics speak to me about my current situation and also remind of where I have been. It's beautiful!

God is repeatedly speaking to my heart and teaching me the same lessons I've learned before (Not his fault. I'm hard headed and I never learn the first time) and taking me a bit deeper each time. The journey is painful, but I can't imagine still living with my insecurities dictating every move I made. It's embarrassing me for think of some of the stuff I did or the way I treated others in my younger days.

I cringe. I get nauseous.  I panic a bit when one of those memories unearths itself and I wish everyone in the world would magically forget all my missteps. God then intercedes and reminds me He HAS DONE JUST THAT!

Thank you, Jesus.

I am humbled by Savior who uses me, my mess and all, to serve His Kingdom. He picks me up and breaths life into my soul to erase the shame and guilt from my imperfections.

I grew up in a Christian home, so I can't say there is a time where I didn't believe in Jesus, but I can say there was a period where I didn't live like I knew a thing about Him. I remember God tugging on my heart and speaking 'Whispers of a well-lit way,' but it took a long time for me to respond. When those whispers grew to shouts, and I could not longer ignore them, I can remember the feeling of utter humility and the desire to be completely authentic to people for the first time ever. I didn't care what they thought, but I just had to share my pain and my thoughts, my sin and my missteps, and that was my way of letting go.

I continue to 'stumble on these shadowfeet,' and God is again humbling me and reminding me to not let my insecurities rule my life: One of those lessons I don't think I'll ever learn. I'm in one of those periods of life again, where I have been stripped of what I thought defined my life, and God has taken me to the bare minimum. A time for just me and Him. A sweet yet painful time to rely on Him, to be refined, and to be authentic with others. Because, in reality, this is what should define me anyways.

I write this to remind any of you ladies struggling with your journey to take heart and be reminded of the One who loves you. You can come to Him now, no matter what is going on in your life, and He will take you, mess and all. He loves you just like that and will help you become so much more, because He makes all things new.

Oh, Autumn, How I Love Thee!

It's that time of year again. The wonderful, beautiful season called autumn. I don't know when it became my favorite season. Maybe it was in college when I was sick of training for track in the August heat. It could have been in St. Louis, when I enjoyed my jogs in the cool evenings at Forest Park. I can't say with certainty when it started, but I do know when the weather starts to cool and the leaves start to change my heart starts to pitter-patter.

I enjoy all of the seasons because they each hold something new and unique to those few months, but none of them make me feel nostalgic like fall does. Without fail, at the end of every August my mouth starts craving the flavors of fall, my mood starts itching to put on jeans and boots, and my heart starts yearning to make new memories and relive the old ones. I want to put on my uniform and make a few spectacular catches in the outfield. I want to put on my running tights and tennis shoes and go run some hills with the girls. I want to sit at home on the weekends and drink iced cold coke and eat my dad's chili while my family watches football and I study in my room. I miss eating my mom's applesauce and going out shopping with her on my visits home. I miss the days of driving to my family's orchard and eating apples and drinking cider to my heart's content. My heat smiles thinking of the days of drinking cider with Brooke and watching Everwood before heading to Icthus. I think of the times spent with my pumpkin-loving friend Beth cooking in her kitchen and getting her sage advice about life and relationships. Fall makes me think of KC and driving around to orchards, antiquing in Lexington, baking in my seafoam colored kitchen, drinking coffee with my Burlap ladies, cooking with Rachel in her 100 year old house, and drinking lattes with Jenna while we study together at Panera.

Autumn is a time life slows down and I spend more time with the ones I love. I'm sentimental any season, but fall brings out the real sap in me. I've been pondering about life lately, and my thoughts of the season reminded me how much I love routine and certainty. I used to say I couldn't wait to leave home and I dreamed of traveling and being a missionary, but in reality I'm much more of a homebody than I realized. I don't like surprises and change, so a few days away from home, and I'm ready to come back. I get ideas of what I want my life to look like, but really as long as I have my family and friends that's when I am happy. It doesn't matter if I live in a the city or the suburbs, or if I have a house or an apartment, or if my house is perfectly decorated or pieced together with hand-me-downs, or if my job is fulfilling or dreadful to face. Life is empty without relationships and the memories they leave behind.

I don't know if I've taken advantage of my life and the people around me. Maybe I didn't appreciate what I had and the opportunities I was given to build relationships and love on people. I don't know what brought me to the season of life I am in now, but I know I couldn't face it without my husband, family, friends, and dogs (he-he). I've been savoring my moments with Robert here. I get to come home to homemade meals, end the day laughing at our dogs, and spend the weekend in my pajamas cooking and drinking coffee with Robert and re-charging for the week. It's the first time since we have been married that we have only had each other, and it's been quite nice! These are new memories to think back fondly on next fall, and my heart will want to recreate the feelings of thankfulness I have right now doing the little things with the one I love.