Purposeful Pursuit

My mind recently has been like one of those projectors displaying a movie reel on a pull down screen in elementary school: I have been watching the my old memories and have been in awe of where I am. I have needed the reminding that I have been refined in my 29 years. I am easily frustrated with my abilities in all areas of my life, and I quickly forget where I once was.  Work is a constant learning experience, and considering I spend 80 hours a week there it would be easy for me to be be weighed down and unhappy. Medicine is not only a practice of learning clinical knowledge that is ever change and synthesizing what I know and applying it to my patients, but it is an art of communicating, leading a team, and relating to patients. When pursuing medicine, many people warned me I would have no life balance, my family would resent me, and that I won't make enough money so I should pursue a different career. What people don't understand is that when God calls one to go, then all common sense goes out the window and one goes!

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters," Colossians 3:23. 

Though, pursuing Jesus' call is not for the faint of heart. Medicine has been quite a challenge for me. I'm fairly certain I have undiagnosed ADHD, so when others can read something once or twice, I have to work twice as hard to learn information. I am indecisive and it's hard for me to focus, so being required to take 4-8 hour tests throughout the past 6 years has at times felt impossible. I recently took my third set of boards, and it has left me feeling incompetent and too stupid to treat patients for the rest of my life (actually a common feeling for all residents). I've yet to fail a boards, but it's easy to be discouraged for the next 6 weeks until scores come back. I am also a horrible public speaker, and failed multiple speeches in my academic career secondary to confidence issues and issues being in front of groups of people. I recently gave an hour long presentation, and I put so much work into organizing it and practicing it. I still got feedback that I was dull and read too much from slides. I was so discouraged, but then I remembered I used to fail speeches and completely clam up in crowds, but I stood up and did it and did an average job. Average for me is actually great, so hey, job well done! I am extremely hard on myself, and with patient care I expect perfection from myself. It's so much pressure to have someone's life in my hands and to do the very best for their care, but no one is perfect especially her 2nd year of residency. It doesn't stop us type-A doctors from getting discouraged. Living out this Jesus-calling has been trying, and I have been meditating on why I pursued medicine, why I pursue Jesus, and why my journey is important. Here is a glance into what God is teaching me. 

1. Living my call to Jesus isn't easy. I may want it to be, but it's not. 

"Then Jesus told his disciples, " If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." Matthew 16:24

My job often feels like a burden. I spent 4 years in college sacrificing college fun, for studying and maintaining grade, and then another 4 years studying 24/ 7 in medical. school. I graduated, and started residency in major debt and making pennies compared to what I paid for school. In residency, we are constantly stressed. Learning the computer systems, managing multiple complex patients, getting along with nurses, reading in our...cough....cough...spare time, making parents happy, making attendings happy, and then going home to sleep at night. I have been yelled at by nurses in front of the parents, yelled at by parents, cussed out by parents, disrespected by staff, and yet my job as a physician is to take it in stride and be professional. Let me tell you, being yelled at multiple times by nursing or attendings in front of other people is so humiliating and makes my blood boil. I wanted to yell and scream, but instead I pursed my lips tight and walked away. If I am really doing my job to bring Jesus glory, reacting negatively, even if it feels justified, defeats my entire purpose. Honestly, that really sucks at times. I don't think that means I have to get walked all over, but it means I need to have discernment when I am standing my ground for a purpose or with a vengeful attitude. My dad passed his hot-headedness to me, so you can imagine the 'tude I can develop (cringe-worthy). 

I think this applies to ANY job. I have noticed a trend in people needing to justify why their job is so hard and they don't get the credit or pay they deserve, etc, etc. In a Christian context, I am not justified to have  a nasty attitude when people don't appreciate my work 24/7. It would be easy to give up and be jaded, so I am in constant need of deep breaths and ruminating on my ultimate goal in life: pursuing Jesus at all costs. 

I tell you what, not matching to a residency and fighting to find a new program was extremely challenging. It's easy for me to become humiliated by my story, but I have tried to remain an open book to share my journey with other people. If I can inspire one person to not give up and to know it's not always a straight path to the end goal, then my struggle was worth it all. 

2. Living a life after Jesus isn't about blessings. I am not guaranteed the American blessed and bountiful life just because I am following Jesus. 

Our culture in inundated with beautiful houses, perfectly decorated, with good-looking people inside wearing the trendiest clothes. We have refrigerators full of grass fed chickens and $6 quarts of local whole milk. We are expected to have matching workout clothes and sneakers, and never sweat when we do our morning yoga (because we do that every morning, right?). Our families look like J Crew models, and we only post the most adorable family photos. Best of all we all go to bed looking like the people in a JCPenny's Christmas catalog with matching pajamas, and perfect hair. We manage to do this while working 40 hours a week, the kids maintain their perfect grades and play 3 sports a week, and PS, we also manage to work at our local food pantry because we are just that good. 

'Pray over these things in His name, amen, and then they will come true.' I mean, come one, give me a break. No, no, no. 

It's been a tough year...errrr...two... for our family. We have struggled to sell house, struggled to find work, moved from where we thought God wanted us to a foreign land (Illinois...hehehe), moved twice across the country... struggled to pay for house flooding and repairs to again try to sell a house... had to pay for new tires and repairs on two cars...have a family dog in need of surgery or face being put down from pain...I mean the list could go on the costs that keep building up for our family. I don't know how many times I have heard it will all be fine, because I'm a doctor and I will make a lot of money. 

The truth is the life of a resident who doesn't come from a wealthy family to pay for the schooling is a huge sacrifice and burden. I can't even begin to think of how much we owe on school loans. Our plan was to pay extra while I was in residency, but we have been hit so hard financially that it's been impossible. I have been working extra shifts (because you know, 80 hours a week isn't enough), so that we could survive the past few months. I'm a typical women and worry about my hair and my clothes, and have felt so guilty over finances that I wouldn't even let myself buy some new shoes even though my current every day black flats are 3 years old and kinda stinky. I am sick of living in a barely furnished house because furniture and decorations are so expensive. I've been kind-of-done with the vagabond lifestyle. It's hard working more hours than probably any other profession, but yet making a fraction of the salary. I get a tad bitter about it. Man, how many other women always feel they are sacrificing and it's never enough? I'm betting many of you.

I have been pretty upset about it recently, but was reminded that this is the life I prayed for: to live radically different for the Lord pursuing a greater purpose than my own. Mind you, that doesn't mean I don't have selfish, bitter, ugly, self-pity days fully of envy of so many other women and families. I have been jealous of others, and my heart has some nastiness going on up in there.  Here I am turning 30 years old this year, yet I am still not settled, I still feel like I am living like a college student, and I am childless. It's no where the life I imagined the life I'd be living at 29. I'm all like, "Hello Jesus, I've been working like a maniac for years now never taking a break, I did this because you told me to, and what gives! Where are MY blessings?" I sound like Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka, "Don't care how, I want it now!" Somebody slap me. 

3. Following Jesus can be lonely. 

I can be surrounded by people every day, but in the end I am alone on my journey with pursuing my call. No one else can bear my cross or my daily burdens. I put on a tough exterior, but I am a sensitive soul inside. I used to be all  about self-maintaining a billion relationships, because I thought that was what nice people do. Multiple surface level relationships are impossible to maintain and it makes for an unhealthy mindset. It has been a new journey to be married, and learn to depend on my husband as my primary support. It took a few years to get to that point, but I am thankful to have one person who is going through the same challenges and to walk through life hand in hand. I am still learning to depend on Jesus and to run to Him in good times and bad, so I am thankful He never gives up on me. 

Even through all of this, it is exciting to start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel as they say. I am almost halfway through residency, and I am learning a skill set that will always be useful. People will always be sick and hurt and need of a good physician. Deep breaths. I can do this!