Thoughts While Cleaning a House to Sell

Number One: For the love of Pete, am I an animal or something?! How have I lived in this filth and never noticed? Dust on the air vents- check. Dust on every bit if trim- check. Fans covered in an inch of dirt- double check. Carpets covered in dog fur- hahahaha, duh! Dear people who buy our house, I promise it is being thoroughly cleaned. Lucky you!

2. Ah, ha, so THAT's where all my bobby pins and hair ties went! Could I find you when I needed you? No of course not. You blasted little things in your coppery camouflage have evaded my eyes for 2 years causing me to go in public with unsightly hair! Could I have bought more? Sure, but who wants to fight the folks at Walmart just to buy $.97 of metal. Not me.

Tres: Why have I never done this before? You know, cleaned and thrown out crap so my dresser only has the pretty flowers on it instead of being covered in junk mail and clean underwear? See how nice it looks: 

Quatre: My neighbors are hoarders. Future homeowners, we built a nice privacy fence to block the junk. Yes, I may have seen rats last summer I attribute to their mess, but let's pretend that never happened. Mmkay? I know, I know, they have toys and trash littering their backyard that they mow around instead of picking up (the once a year they decide to mow).

I also realize they have Halloween and Christmas decorations outside that have been present the 2.5 years we've lived here. They have issues. Maybe refer them to star in an episode of hoarders. It would do them good.

And finally, please, someone fall in love with this house as much as we do. I never thought I'd love the 'burbs, but it's not half bad. No gun shots. I can safely run at night. The kiddos can play outside safely (aka- THE DOGS). I was supposed to have our first kid while we lived here, so please fill this place with babies and live it up. I'll try not to be jealous that you get to enjoy my festive paint colors. Sea foam green kitchen: Drool! Creamsicle orange living room: spunk-o-licious!!  The apple green bathroom: yeah I didn't like that as much once it was up either. Blame it on the carpet at World Market that inspired me.The white trim and kitchen cabinets I painstakingly painted white: you're flipping welcome. Never. Again. 

 One big lesson God is teaching me through all of this is to let go and give up what my sinful heart is holding onto. This house is more than I could have imagined for our first house, or any house for that matter. I filled it with cuteness and love, but sometimes we don't get to keep stuff we love forever. I'm a cheap-o, so I waited years to buy furniture and when I did I bought vintage used stuff. I love it, and I was pretty bitter about having to give up almost everything I'd picked out with patience and frugality, but God has told me I just need let go and take very little on my next journey. If you know me, you know I get attached and sentimental about stuff, but I knew I just need to give it all up. Okay, more like my life has kind of been put in a blender and swirled about and I felt like things were being forcefully ripped from me all at once. I guess God felt like he needed to rip it all at once quickly like a bandaid to reduce the pain, but I can't say my heart was willing at first. Our life will almost be starting from scratch in Texas, but at least I get to leave Kansas City with more good memories than I could have imagine I'd have 4 years ago when I moved here and that's worth way more than a vintage couch!

Hannah's Favorites of the KC Area

This whole move to Texas is really cramping my style. I hate change and love routine, so the thought of leaving my beloved Missouri sucks butt. I've moved a lot over the past 10 years, and I've become more accustomed to change but it's still not one of my strengths. The last 4 years have been a time of adjustment for me to accept the KC area as "home," and I just when I made peace with it I'm being swept away somewhere else. I guess the saying is true you don't know what you've got until it's gone! Therefore, I've dedicated this post to some of my favorite places and things to do in KC. I will probably thing of more to share with you in the future, but these are a few of things on my mind tonight.  I'm pretty boring and enjoy good old-fashioned fun, so excuse me if my list isn't full of the hip things to do :)

1. FARMER'S MARKETS: Oh my goodness, please, please, please forgo the grocery cart this summer and head on out to enjoy the wonderful local produce. There are so many farmer's markets in the metro area that I've only visited a few, but they are so worth your time and money. My favorite Saturday activity is to head out to one of the markets and pick up fresh produces, and then go home and cook a huge brunch. Mmmm, sweet tater hash browns, old fashioned pancakes smothered in fresh berries, and a large mug of locally roasted coffee. Of course, River Market is the huge urban market that most people know about. You can check it out here: http://www.kcrivermarket.com/. I love it because of the wonderful shops to venture in and the variety, but I hate crowds and this place is swarming on Saturdays. I tend to stick to the smaller markets close to my house. Blue Springs has a great market that is small but has decent variety AND organic produce! http://www.bluespringsfarmersmarket.com/. My favorite market is Lee's Summit market. I got a free range organic Amish raised chicken for $10 last year!!! It's a FABULOUS market. Go, please! Last but not least is the off-the-cuff market, BadSeed. This place is rockin' with heirloom varieties of organic veggies that you can't find anywhere else around, artisan breads, locally roasted coffee, herbs, meats, etc that is ALL organic. It's fun and on Friday evenings, and I suggest everyone go to see the amazing movement of urban farming. http://www.badseedkc.com/farm/the-farmers-market/vendors-products/. 

2. ANTIQUES: Yes, please! KC has some mighty fine antique/vintage furniture stores. Seriously, some of the best and most unique I've seen. My all time favorite is River Market Antiques http://rivermarketantiquemall.com/. It is 4 floors of vintage awesomeness, and if an item is over $50, then you can bargain with the vendor for a lower price. I got two chairs and a couch for a 1/3 of the asking price by doing this, and they add just the touch of Hannah-ness to my house that it needed. I LOVE THIS PLACE! Another fan favorite of KC peeps are the West Bottoms. Sadly enough, I've only been here one time because I just found out about the amazingness that abounds in the old factory district. Rows and rows of old factory buildings have been turned into floors and floors of refurbished goodness. The stores are like mazes, because the old buildings haven't been redone and are have their original old wood creakiness and dank hallways (which I find fabulous). You could spend days searching through the stores. http://www.westbottoms.com/. 
Here's a picture of my green chairs and coffee table found at the above stores:

3. INDEPENDENCE SQUARE: This is my all time favorite place to escape and feel a blast from the past. There is something quaint and nostalgic about this simple downtown, even though half of the downtown is vacant. How sad! I could disappear here for an afternoon and feel my worries wash away. My favorite ice cream parlor is located here: Clinton's Soda Fountain. I believe the story is President Truman was a soda jerk here.

My favorite little coffee shop is located on the square. The coffee isn't the best in KC, but the atmosphere is adorable and cozy and wonderful. The counters are made from old doors with the antique knobs still in place. See:

Also located downtown is a great home decor store called Be Here Now http://www.b-here-now.com/ and a kitchen store called Gilbert Whitney http://www.gilbertwhitney.net/.

4. QUICK GET-A-WAYS: You may have already realized I love good food, antiques, and the simple things in life. This is why I love a quick trip to the wonderful historical communities around KC. My two favs: the Civil War town of Lexington and one of the former largest ports on the Mississippi, Weston. They are both full of antique shops, artisan stores, fabulous old architecture, and local orchards and wineries. When I retire and am an old lady, I plan to move into one of these historic towns and live the rest of my days away in peace and simplicity :) I've yet to stay in a bed and breakfast at one of these locations, but it's  on my to do list. Maybe I can convince Robert to take me before we move.

5. THE B-WORD.......BRUNCH!!!!: Yes, sirree, my ultimate meal in KC wouldn't be bbq, instead it would be brunch. The best brunch is one made with my husband or my friend Rachel with fresh local produce and meats, but second best is at one of the local restaurants. My top places would be Ginger Sue's in Lee's Summit http://www.gingersues.com/locations.html, Succotash just off downtown KC http://www.succotashkc.com/, The Corner Restaurant http://www.thecornerkc.com/, and last but not least the Corner Cafe http://www.thecornercafe.com/.

6. LAKES: This goes out to my husband who likes to disappear on a hot summer night and go fishing ALL night long. I grumble and moan, but I have fun joining him and snacking on Little Debbies and reading while he fishes. There are some great small lakes around that we've had a lot of fun letting out some stress. My favorite is Smithville Lake. The lake is huge and beautiful, and the land surrounding it is extremely serene. Another option for my future retirement ;)

Part Two: What now?

The young doctor got to her school and her SOAP week began. Here's a little bit about SOAP or "the scramble" process: For students who don't match to a program, they go through a 4 day process called supplemental application. During this time they get a list of unfilled programs and can apply to 45 programs. Programs can call applicants that look good on paper and phone or skype interview them. Wednesday and Thurday then consist of rounds of matching. The applicant can receive multiple offers in a round and they have 2, yes TWO, hours to say yes or no, and that reply is a legally binding offer. At no point can they initiate contact with a program or have someone do so on their behalf, so this whole process is based off a computer application. Then, at the end of the rounds on Thursday students that are left unmatched still can contact any remaining programs. As an Osteopathic student you can also get a list of unfilled programs from their match (yes, they have a separate match a month before this allopathic-MD- match). Then basically programs can call you, they typically talk to you a few minutes, and then make an offer right then. You only have a few minutes to hours to make a decision, or they will move on to other applicants.

Okay, now that you know the basics, back to the original story: The medical student acquired a list of programs in pediatrics, psychiatry, internal medicine-pediatrics dual residency, peds-psych-child psych triple board, family medicine, and traditional one year internship. Her husband met her at the school and they began forming a list of programs that would be near churches and seminaries for him. She sent in applications Monday night, and got a call from a peds-psych-child psych program that was her number one choice! She was ecstatic, and the conversation went well and led to an offer for a Skype interview the next day. She ended a crazy day feeling hopeful that this program was meant just for her. Her spirits were also lifted by the support of her friends Heidi and Will who fed her and the husband and listened to their newest life complication.

Tuesday: She got 2 calls from internal medicine-pediatrics dual board residency programs and 1 from a psychiatry program. The hope remained, because she felt good her application stood out for calls. The Skype interview didn't go great, and she felt she didn't make a connection with the doctor interviewing her. Her spirits dropped, and she got done with the interview and had her first tearful breakdown feeling no one would hire her. Interviews terrify her, and she finds bragging about herself and kissing butt about each program a really painful process. She tried to keep her chin up, because one program had told her how great a applicant she was with good grades and test scores so she felt competitive. Tuesday ended with feeling okay, because the rounds would begin the next morning and she had a few calls. Her fingers were crossed and prayers were said for a good turnout. She was lucky for her friend Megan who brought homemade macaroni over for dinner, or else she wouldn't have eaten that day.

Wednesday: The young doctor didn't get anymore calls that morning, but she had sent up follow-up emails with the programs that had already contacted her. She then waited until 11am for round one. Up popped the results; You do not have any offers this round.This led to breakdown number 2, but she remained in front of the computer staring at the screen for 3 hours until round 2, the last round of the day. Again, no offers. Tears flooded her eyes, and she decided to head to campus before the period ended where she could apply to programs. She thought surely the adviser for Match could help her make a game plan. She got there and no one was to be seen in the conference room that was supposed to be set up to help. When she found him in his office, he was chit chatting with another student about a non urgent issue and the student had 1 hour before her finalized applications were due. 10 minutes of waiting and he moseyed out to help her. FINALLY. She vented a bit about feeling like a strong applicant, but not getting any offers. He tried telling her it's just competitive, but he didn't offer much reassurance. He set her up with a computer, and left the room. Yes, sir! He left the room and came back 30 minutes later AFTER her list was already due. So much for getting advice on programs to apply to. She headed to her friends house, Rachel, who fed her and encouraged her that God would provide. She then went home and told her husband how the past 4 years of working hard was for nothing. The time was wasted, and she had no idea why after all this time God would just let His plans for her fall through. She laid in bed in the dark at 6pm for hours just staring into space wondering why she was going through this and what would happen with her future. Her appetite was zilch, and she alternated between crying and staring, staring and crying. It was a rough night and no sleep occurred.

Thursday: She woke up bright and early after laying in bed in emotional misery all night. Her plan was to head to campus and talk to someone new, because she was fairly certain she wasn't going to match that morning, which meant a new process to obtain a position. When she got to campus, the man she wanted to see was gone to a convention, so his secretary tried to help her. She offered to get the man the young doctor had spoken to the day before, but she requested it be someone different. Come to find out it didn't matter because he had taken off Thursday and Friday for vacation! This meant the two men in charge of helping people who didn't match were gone during Match week! The student was infuriated and started panicking. The secretary attempted to calm her, and then in walked the school president. He was helpful and listened to the student's concerns, and agreed she needed to speak with someone to develop a game plan to help her get to her goal of peds. He went and got the dean.... This led to a 20 minutes of unfruitful, snarky remarks from him... in short he told her, and I quote, "Well you didn't play the match smart, You should have applied to more programs in more cities." to which she replied, "Okay, and there's nothing I can do about that now." to which he said rudely, "Okay, fine, yeah enough said about that." He then advised the young student that she should just big a position, the first one that makes an offer no matter what specialty, because she needs a job. She tried to express her concern that she didn't want to be picky, but she did have goals and didn't just want to say yes to the first program. His reply "Well you didn't play the match right and now you are paying the repercussions, so yeah you can't be picky. just pick a place. You'll find I'm very up front with people." The young doctor was furious this was advice she got after paying hundreds of thousands of dollars to this school, and thought the guy was a real....insert explative. The dean then proceeded to get on his phone and call a program without asking in INTERNAL MEDICINE- a specialty she didn't care for. He told her to call the program, and keep him updated, and that was the end of the awesome advice. When the rounds concluded at 4pm that day, she could then begin calling and emailing her resume to any and every residency with an open position. Basically nothing was open in the MD (allopathic) world, so she contacted DO (osteopathic programs). She did have a lead there might be spots opening up in peds at a hospital in MO, so she called and was told no positions would open. Her dreams suddenly came crashing down, but she tried persevering. She emailed and called until 2am. She got one call that night from a psych program in Miami, but felt that was not the place for her.

Friday: Calls started coming in at 6am for psych and family medicine osteopathic programs. She got quite a few offers, but was still hesitant because she felt in her gut she was supposed to be doing peds. But by 12pm she had an offer from Corpus Christi, TX and was told if she didn't call back within a few minutes the position could be gone later in the day. She verbally accepted and was happy to have a job, but crushed she'd be moving 15 hours away for a specialty she didn't feel called for. A few hours later she found out in deed the pediatric positions would open, so then she felt trapped. Did she just throw away her one opportunity? She decided to forget it. Her husband took her out on a double date and they celebrated the new job, although they were both sad about the outcome.

Saturday: She wrestled with sending an email to the peds program, just to check it out. She finally did that night, and heard back Monday that they still weren't sure they would have spots. The doctor felt she must fight with all her might until God clearly closes the door. She had doctors call the program the next day, but received an email they kept with their rank list and didn't interview anyone else. It was final that TX would be her future home.



That's my crazy story in short, but honestly no words could describe the emotions I felt the past two weeks. I felt anger and betrayal that I had prayed for direction and felt peace about it, but that pediatrics got yanked from me. Not only that, I didn't even get my second choice of psychiatry. I question why God had given me the gifts, the visions, the heart for these specialties, but then placed me somewhere else. The harder pill to swallow has been not only a specialty I felt wasn't my calling, but to have me move 15hrs away, leave my husband and dogs for who knows how long, and live away from home. I was just getting my house settled and finally feeling like the KC area was home, and then BAM, nope sorry, you have to move AGAIN. It makes me SO mad. The pieces don't seem to fit as to why this whole process is happening to our family. My husband has a church that is thriving, a job as a pastor he LOVES, and a seminary program he is knee deep in Biblical languages. It's like seriously, why are BOTH of us being ripped from what we feel God called us to do?!?! It's been disheartening, and it feels like I'm moving through life in a fog. I'm utterly humiliated that I repeatedly got turned down, and that programs didn't like me for whatever reason. Of course, then there is the trusty, "God's got plans, you'll see." or the "Something will open up, just have faith." or "Can't you just call the hospitals around here and find a job." No actually, that door has been slammed shut so hard in my face that no in fact I can't just find any ole' job here and my faith tank is running on fumes people! I've had my good moments this week thanks to my husband cheering me up and drowning my pain in tubs of buttered movie popcorn and candy, but I've also had those quiet moments where I feel abandoned by God. I see my classmates who matched to places they are so excited about it, but I can barely fathom that in 1.5months I won't even live in my house or see my husband. My excitement, is well, none.

Tonight, I decided to start reading Job. No, I don't think my job crisis is the equivalent of becoming diseased, losing all family, and losing all wealth, but I knew I needed a reminder that sometimes things happen because Satan is trying to distract God's fruitful workers. In my study Bible intro to Job it states, "Among God's creatures there is the great adversary. Incapable of contending with God hand to hand, power pitted against power, he is bent on frustrating God's creation enterprise centered on God's relationship with the creature that bears his image. As tempter he seeks to alienate humans from God; as accuser he seeks to alienate God from humans. His all-consuming purpose is to drive an irremovable wedge between God and humans to effect an alienation that cannot be reconciled." This reminded me of Satan's attempt to crush us when we are making big moves for God. My goal is to remember this week that God is still God, and He will help us through even if it doesn't feel like it right now. Easier said than done. I will leave you with a song I've had on repeat all night:

"I've made a place for you hear, so come on, come on, All things are possible, so come on, come on." 

I love this phrase. I need to make a place for God in my heart, and allow Him to work. Prayers for me as I try to do this!

Matchmaker, matchmaker, Make me a Match

Well my, oh my, how things have changed since I last wrote. My world has been turned over, shaken up, and completely changed in a matter of 1.5 weeks. How do I even start with explaining what happened? I guess we will start at the beginning:

Once upon a time there was a medical student named Hannah who was in the midst of her 3rd and 4th years of medical school. She would battle the evils of illness and injury alongside a different doctor each month. People would ask her, "Are you a doctor yet?" or "So you're going to be a nurse?" or "So are you still in the classroom?" or "So you're an intern? Or are you a resident? By the way, what's the difference?" She'd answer these questions the best she could, but it was hard for people to understand the process of medical school training. Many people thought she would be a great pediatrician, because she loved kids and always had a baby in her hands. When she started school she thought the same thing, but as clinicals went on she became more confused. She developed a passion for mental health and seemed to have a real knack for connecting with that patient population, so then she thought about psychiatry. She wasn't enjoying family medicine much, until early in her fourth year when she rotated with an older doctor in Oak Grove who drank coffee with his longtime patients, could treat almost any illness, and who clearly loved his job. She became really confused and started praying to God that He would shine some light on her future path.

Around this same time period of her clinicals, her husband's ministry at a local church was thriving and the church was growing exponentially. Many baptisms were performed, and the pews were filling up on Sunday mornings. Change was happening and it was an exciting time for the church. A vote took place to build an addition, but this was a big venture for the church and they required a lot of trust and leadership from their pastor. He and his wife prayed for direction and verbally committed to the church that they were in it for the long haul and would not leave the church anytime soon. For the wife this meant that she was committing to stay in Kansas City for her residency program after medical school, but she trusted it would all work out.

Through the summer and fall of her 4th year of medical school, the young student doctor began applying to programs in KC for residency. She was still confused on direction, but she also knew limiting herself to one city meant the smartest thing to do was apply to different specialties so that she was applying to enough programs. For a reference, the typical medical student picks one specialty and applies all over the country to AT LEAST 20 programs. She knew it was risky, but she trusted God would take care of her since He called her family to stay in KC. She applied to 4 programs in KC, 1 peds, 1 psych, and 2 family medicine programs. Although there were a few more programs she could have applied to to increase the number and chances of matching, she decided against it because she had heard about the programs and just wasn't impressed and decided they weren't even worth applying to. The interview season began and all 4 programs interviewed her. They went okay, although programs did seem to dislike her strategy to apply only in KC to multiple specialties. Where the student really thrived was on her rotations at 3 of the 4 of these programs. She worked hard, got along with residents, wrote great notes, and the faculty seemed to like her work ethic. She truly believed this would help her win a spot in KC.

She was still struggling with what she would rank as her first choice. She prayed up until applications were due in February for what God wanted her to pursue. None of the programs felt right to her. One she just didn't like, although the people and faculty were nice it didn't seem like a good fit. Another was busy and she learned a lot and performed well, but again she didn't feel a strong bond with the residents. She thought she'd be fine if she matched there, but she didn't think it would be her top choice. The third hospital she didn't get to do a rotation at, but her interviews went well and she felt okay. When she left that interview day, she wasn't wowed and felt like the program was lacking in important areas. She also did not have any sort of bond with the current residents. She got asked in the interview if she would be able to come to social events since she was married and her husband was busy, and that didn't settle well with her but she shrugged it off and figured she'd cross that bridge when it came. The final program was huge, prestigious, and VERY busy. She felt like she was a rockstar during her time there, and was told by faculty they'd love to have her, the residents gave her great feedback and said they'd rank her high, and she even got a pat on the back during a residency meeting for handling the patient's well. She left the rotation thinking she did great, but during her time there she sensed the residents were short with one another and seemed too stressed to be cordial half of the time. She left her last day saying she had a good time there, but wouldn't be upset if she didn't ever come back there. Where did this leave the young doctor when these are her only choices? It left her with prayer and asking God for direction.

She prayed and prayed in December, January, and February, and finally in February through prayer and advisement by an amazing doctor she felt the call to pediatrics. She loved children and dreamed of specializing in behavior and devlopment or child abuse and neglect to serve foster and adopted children and their families. It seemed like a great combination of pediatrics and psychiatry! The children's hospital was her top choice, followed by the rest and she felt 100% peace about the decision. She typically was a worrier and stewed over the outcome, but during the month of waiting she felt confident in decision and told her friends and husband she had zero worry about matching in KC. Her resume was good, she had good clinicals, and the interviews went okay so she trusted God to match her.

Many of you may be wondering what the heck is Match week? Well, IT'S ONLY THE MOST IMPORTANT PERIOD IN A MEDICAL SCHOOL STUDENT'S CAREER! In short, you send a rank listed of the most desired to least desired programs you'd like and each program does this for the people they interview, and then some computer system takes a few minutes and matches or doesn't match you to a program. It's a bit more complicated than that, but if you aren't ranked high enough on any list you won't match. The Friday before Match week you get an email telling you instructions for the case you wouldn't match. The young student laughed and said I'm not worried at all, because God has given me a peace I'll match. Again, this is weird for worry-wart student.

Monday March 17 rolled around and she was casually checking her email when she got an email about the match. She read it at work and her eyes couldn't believe the words, " We are sorry you didn't match to any program." She was SO confused and bolted out of work to head to school. Her immediate reaction was anger, how could these programs not rank me high enough?! IT MUST BE A MISTAKE! She zoomed to school and found the list of unfilled programs, and her scramble week began. To be continued....

God is Enough

My mind has been filled with thought about the evilness and badness that exists in our world. I've noticed that over the years I've become much more emotion filled when I think of crap that happens in our world. Abused children with broken bones, bruises, burns, empty bellies, and hurting hearts. Countries full of war where women are brutally raped, children are starving, and the sound of bombs and bullets are a daily occurrence.  A worldwide market of children and women enslaved to serve the perverse fantasies of adult men. You can't drive down I-70 without seeing signs for "gentleman's clubs" and "adult stores," all so some sleezy men can pull over for some cheap thrills at someone else's expense. There are daily news reports of people torturing animals- starving them, chaining them in the heat and cold, and leaving them to die.

There are days I think my heart may literally break, because of stories like these. It's often hard for me to fathom why I have it so good, while others are in a daily hell. My heart aches when I hear of children who it seems never even had a chance- born into poverty, abused, neglected, no resources, raped, etc. "GOD, WHY SPARE ME?" I cry out. The problems seem too big to ever go away. What could I possibly do to help?

I can look back at my childhood and see the way God was shaping my heart to care for these people. That's why he spared me! As a young girl, my parents taught me through example what it meant to serve others. My mom taught special ed, and I can see how her work ethic and heart to serve these kids made me want to do the same. I was the kid reading history books about the atrocities in Nazi Germany, and I thought Anne Frank was so brave. I can remember watching an episode of 20/20 with Hugh Downs and Barbara Walters about the orphanages in Romania that were full of cribs and babies who were never held. I remember thinking,"I'll go there! I'll hold all of those babies and love them." I was the girl that said I'm never having my own babies, instead I'm going to foster and adopt kids who need parents. These seemed liked insignificant events, but were really so important as God was shaping my heart to bear the burden to serve others.

I've been in a limbo the last 2 years trying to figure out how these passions to serve the hurting mesh with my medical career and where does God want me to serve. I still feel inadequate to be a doctor and go to these places that seem scary and dangerous. How will I be brave enough to do it? I've struggled with choosing between psychiatry and pediatrics, and after much prayer I'm pursuing pediatrics and praying I will match there in March. I often get strange looks when I tell people I love psychiatry, but I find it a field of people misunderstood and in need for healing and Jesus. My ultimate goal is to blend my love for mental illness and my love for kids and become a behavior and development pediatrician who specifically works with families who are fostering and adopting children. We live in a world in desperate need of parents for these unwanted children, but it can be a scary task for parents to take these kids into their homes.  I get reactions from people like I could never make a difference, because the damage is already done and the cycle continues for the people- A lost cause mentality. God has reminded me that this a lie directly from the enemy. We don't take on tasks for God on the basis of guaranteed success; we take them on because of a commandment to serve others and show them the hope of God. We might never see the final product of the seeds we plant, but God can take them and create miracles!

It's all nerve wracking and exciting, but through this process God has really got my heart on fire to do what I came to medical school to do. I came to get an education, so I can go and serve God's people. I want to travel overseas to Africa and Romania and serve the children. I want to serve families who adopt and foster and help them through parenting a kid with baggage and behavioral issues. I want to fill my house with foster kids and tell them,"Satan has been lying to you since day one. You are loved. You are important and I'm not going anywhere." I finally have that fire again where I want to tell satan face-to-face, "Look here moron, despite what you tell me, I can do this and God will prevail over you!" Without God, these tasks are impossible, but with God there's no end to the miracles and healing He can do! 

God has called us to so much more than cowering in the corner too scared to reach the lost and hurting, and I'm thankful He reminded me of this during worship this morning during these awesome songs:

"....Love has come and we're orphans no longer....It's rising it's rising, A song of hope from us set free..."

"...His love is fierce, His love is strong, It is furious...And it's waking hearts to life!"

So people, my message to you is to live this week with abandon and bear the burden for someone in need. Thank you Jesus for the blessings you have bestowed on us to share with others! I leave you with the last of my series of poems. This poem was written by me in my last few months living in STL. I was on fire for STL and seeing change in the city. I would go to the huge city park there and sit on a beautiful hill that overlooked a fountain by the art museum. I even had the courage to organize a prayer for the city with church members and old co-workers. I feel like I am finally back to that place of being on fire for God and on fire for change in this cold world. God is hope and He wants so much from our lives! Believe it!

I stand alone on a hill,
Seeking Your truth and presence;
Praying for Your Church,
to be on it's knees in reverence.

The Church is failing it's mission,
To spread the good news;
Our hearts work in vain,
Speaking Your words as we choose.

We bastardize the Church,
As we prostitute your teachings;
Relevance has become the goal,
It's the focus of our preachings.

Our lives are mere glimpses,
They reflect truth in only parts;
Because the Spirit is not the focus,
Leading the desires of our hearts.

We speak of revival,
A renewal of your people;
But the Church is content to stay,
Hidden behind the steeple.

Did we miss the work of Jesus,
The dirt roads he tread?
He called those from their comfort,
Abandoning lives they once lead.

Don't be deceived by the enemy,
Believing you're not to blame;
Until the world seeks His glory,
You carry a load of the shame.

Surrender your every thought,
Present it as holy offering;
Believe in the power of the Spirit,
and the majesty of the King.

May a holy fire burn deep,
A revolution is my cry;
May we drink of the Holy River,
and no longer be dry.

In the Days of Little Our Hearts Abound in Plenty

Lately, I've been thinking how I can simplify my life and get rid of the clutter interrupting God's purpose for my life. I think of the time in my life things were sweetest with Jesus, and it's when I physically had little. JESUS PLEASE TAKE ME BACK THERE BECAUSE THIS OVERLY BUSY, OVERLY STIMULATED SO-CALLED-LIFE HAS WORN OUT ITS WELCOME! Some of that process is just letting go, and saying, "God, I can't do it without you leading me." Another part of that is getting my prayer life and personal Bible reading happening again. What can I expect from Him when my prayer life is like the Mojave desert?! In addition, it's me taking charge and getting rid of the crap that clouds my relationship with God. I'm in no means saying this is how it works for everyone, but this is what I MUST do to get my life on track.

Goal #1: I finally let Go and let God, as the saying goes.
Goal #2: Prayer life and personal devotion improving, although I'm in no means reading every day which is my goal.
Goal #3: let the games begin!

How am I tackling the big #3?! Well, with #1 and #2 slowly getting on track, #3 is much easier now (are ya lost yet?) I think the biggest blaring distraction that is so obvious, but is so hard for me to give up is Facebook. I've taken mini breaks before, deleting my account and occasionally checking in, but it's never enough. I always give in to the hankering to update everyone on my life with my witty statuses or dog pictures. I want to check in to see the newest pictures of everyone's kids. Sadly, I want to check in to see what new annoying status or picture such and such posted while I was away. I see this as a waste of precious time Jesus has given me to spend with loved ones, spend with him, or serve others. Thankfully, God has been reminding the simpler times are the most precious I've had with HIM. When I had no internet or cable and my nights were spent on the floor of my apartment with a candle lit and my Bible open were the times that have been most meaningful to me. The times I had nothing in my apartment to hold my attention, forcing me to get out of my house and build relationships with new people in a new city where I felt alone. The times I had nothing but Jesus to remind me of who I was and the importance I have in the kingdom. Those moments that God spoke to me that although I had little, to someone else I had everything and I needed to be thankful and give to others what God entrusted me with.

 I was bold. My heart was sad for the brokenness around me in the city, so I yearned to see hearts change for Him. My prayer was for the city I lived in to see revival and renewing like only Jesus could bring. By golly, I want THAT fire back. Therefore, I am going to stick to my no Facebook and continue to clear the way of the distractions of our age.

I will leave you with yet another poem. Not because I think I am some great poemess (I made that word up), or that my words are wonderful. I share because these poems were written on the floor of my apartment in the times I had little. God spoke big ideas to me, because I made the room for Him to take the pen and write the story (thank you Francesca Battistelli for your new song. Holla!). I haven't written a poem in years and typically I hate writing them, but these poems are important to me because they are the words God spoke directly to my little heart years ago. The poems are my conversations with God. Enjoy.


I see the pain in her face,
The emptiness in her chest;
I yearn to erase her shame,
To put a lifetime of worries to rest.

Father, please take her anguish,
Why let her suffer so?
Take the hurt in her heart,
and let Your freedom flow.

Useless, I hear her cry,
 Aching deep from within;
I crumble at the sight,
That's where I had been.

You answered me quietly,
Acknowledging my concern;
Reminding me before we rise,
 We often fall and burn.

You tell me of the world,
 The way it was to be;
Before the fall from grace,
And the tasting of tree.

You wept in brokenness,
For the hurting down below;
It made my heart hurt,
Seeing the faithfulness you bestow.

You cried for the lonely,
The wounded and discarded;
You cried for their emptiness,
Weeping for the brokenhearted.

Shamelessly you wept,
For those who had suffered rape;
You cried for lost innocence,
And inability to escape.

Tears fell for the poor,
For those living in the street;
For the cycle of poverty,
And the uncovered feet.

Your eyes welled with pity,
For the rich people too;
Their pockets full of money,
But their hearts ached for you.

You cried for the criminals,
For which I didn't understand;
You wept to my uncontrollably,
"This is nothing like I planned."

My heart began to thump,
As Your eyes searched my face;
Tears began to fall,
Seeing the fullness of Your grace.

I felt something deep inside,
Your face staring into mine;
Your Spirit entered into me,
Our hearts now intertwine.

We mourned for the oppressed,
Your lost and wandering kingdom;
We prayed for the day,
The whole world will seek your freedom.

You reminded me to stay strong,
To not give up heart;
That Your hope forever remains,
Because our hearts will never part.

So when I am angry,
The hateful world gets me down;
You are still my worthy King,
Bearing my blood on Your crown.

The Honest Truth

This week I will be giving my testimony at a women's breakfast at Church. I am beyond nervous. I've shared before with high schoolers I will never see again, but I've never shared some of my painful truths with my peers and older women I respect. I've been pondering what to say, what part of my story to share, and I worry that I will embarrass myself. God whispered to my heart that I need to take a deep breath and remember what He has taught me. One of the most very important lessons God has blessed me with during my life as a Christian is teaching the importance of honesty and humbleness. When I finally surrendered my entire life to Christ it was through a painful and slow journey of God breaking down who I was to build me into who He wanted me to be. 

God took a self-conscious, stubborn, and scared young adult and let her life be torn down to shreds, so that he could build her into a beautiful creation for His use. I don't claim perfection. I'm still worried about what others think of me and I am extremely opinionated, but when I think of where God brought me from I can see I'm clearly not the same girl I was. 

My story has so much to tell, but I'm just going to share a snippet. The beginning of my life in college began revolved around a guy and running track. I wanted to get good grades, make friends, have fun, and become popular. I was a good student, but had no real ambition or life goal. The first two years were tumultuous to say the least. My relationship was drama filled, I struggled with D-I track, and I just wasn't in a good place in life. I was attending our campus FCA and Campus Crusade for Christ, but I rarely attended Church and God was vacant from my relationship. My heart yearned for more, but my pride and doubt didn't know how to get there. God broke me slowly, but it was up to me to say, "Yes, Lord, I hear you, please help me and make my life new."

The end of my sophomore year I was beginning to see glimpses of what God wanted, but my life looked no different. Our FCA chapter held a meeting for people interested in becoming leaders the next year, and something told me to go. I left the meeting and told my boyfriend my intentions for becoming a leader, and I knew that meant that God was to be first and not him. That conversation was the beginning of the end for my 5 year relationship. By the end of summer, I had enough courage to tell him it was over. Only through God's strength was I able to make the decision. The following months were full of tears and a heart trying to hold on to the past, but through God's provision I survived. It was an awful semester. By September I was making a C in organic chemistry and up and decided I needed to quit cross country and track and focus on school. My entire identity had been stripped from me, and there is no description for the pain I felt those few months. 

I can remember sitting in the FCA meetings being such a baby in my intimate relationship with Christ that I couldn't pray in public. I asked my team for prayer and patience and poured out my heart of brokenness to them. I'm not a big crier, but those few months I was more real with people than I ever had before. I felt inadequate and undeserving of God's presence and grace for all of my mistakes. I felt like I was not nice or deserving of the friendships God provided me. I felt too mean and opinionated to be a leader in FCA. It was the most humble and humiliating time in my life.

God was so faithful, placing amazing Christian women around me who dealt with me through all the crazy and continued to be faithful and pray with me as I continued to grow. The beginning of the next semester God introduced me to a dear friend Rachel who had gone through a similar situation, and our relationship truly taught me the importance of honesty and openness with my Christian sisters. I would never have matured without her going on prayer walks, sharing the dark places of our hearts, learning scripture, and speaking truth into my life. I have so many wonderful friends from college and afterwards that have added to my journey of honesty, but I truly think it is one of the only ways to work through some of the darkness in our lives. It's scary to be authentic with someone and to let them see your imperfections, but it brings so much freedom to say, "This is me. I desperately need God's grace and forgiveness for so much. Here I am, I am nothing else but a person in need of a savior."

I encourage each of you to let at least one person in to the darkest parts of your soul to help you become more and see the worth you have in Christ. I will leave you with a poem I wrote during the semester I gave my life back to God:

Pleasure from her pain,

Smiles from her fall;

Makes no sense,

She's guiltiest of them all.

So quick to judge,

But slow to love;

Not the heart of Jesus, Lord and Savior from Above.

Rain your Mercy, Lord,

on your lost bride below;

Erase her guilt and shame,

in place your love to show.

Release the shackles of impurity,

the weight of discontent;

Loosen the grip of deceit,

and show her what you meant.

Replace Satan's lies,

they consume her thoughts each day;

Give her whispers of encouragement,

from the One who had to pay.

Hold her when she's lonely,

embrace her through her tears;

Shout to her you've love her,

through her prostituted years.

Your bride walks the aisle,

dreams shattered and in despair;

Her dress is stained and torn,

Leaving her unfaithfulness bare.

Cover her with forgiveness,

Kiss her forehead with grace;

Remind her of the joy,

her commitment brought to your face.

A new creation she becomes,

by the ring of salvation;

No longer will she weep,

from the lost hope of temptation.