Well, I live in Texas, so that's new. It was an interesting 18 hour trip down here. Bob drove the Penske truck with our dog Hobbs, and I followed behind in my little Yaris with our dog Denver.
The first half of the trip was great. We drove through the hills of Kansas and Oklahoma, and avoided the crazy interstate with toll roads. It was peaceful and went pretty quickly, except for the one toll road in Oklahoma we had to go through: that was a a good time.
I must preface that I've only been through toll roads with friends, so I'm a little slow on the uptake on the process. Robert and I made sure have to have a bunch of dollar bills, so I thought we were set. Once we got to the toll, it was fast moving with one line that said "Cars with exact change here" and the next line said "Other Vehicles and other methods of payments here," I chose the previous, because I figured it was a machine and it would be faster because I had exactly two dollars. One problemo bucko, I didn't realize change meant actual change. Who in the heck has coins this day and age?! My problem was also exacerbated by my simpleton mind not understanding where the heck the hole was for the money. I finally figured out you put your money in this big funnel thing, but I'm thinking, "How is this hole going to accept my dollar bills? Who counts this money anyways?!" The sweat was pouring from my brow as I try to stuff my dollar bills in the hole at the bottom of the funnel. CRAAAP, that is definitely not working! I looked to my right where the lady at the station next to mine was taking money hoping she'd see my pleading face that I needed HELP. Nope, no luck, and then I turned around to see Robert peeling away in the moving truck. What the expletive am I going to do now?! I contemplated pulling forward, but there didn't seem to be a place to turn around and I just knew a cop would be around to pull me over and send me to jail for not knowing the rules of the toll. I was sure there was no way I was going to have enough change, and at this point a nice long line of cars was forming behind me, and some kind sir had his window down yelling more expletives and honking his horn. I suddenly LOATHED Oklahoma and swore I'd never come back (sorry Pioneer Woman! Love ya!). I then started dumping change from my slot in my car door and I didn't think it would be enough. Then I dug around my console and was throwing penny after penny into the darned hole. AAAAA, it was just enough. I was sure Jesus stretched my pennies like he stretched out the fish and bread to feed the 5,000. Thanks, God!
Once we arrived in Texas, it was time for a potty break. We stopped at a dinky hole in the wall, so we could avoid the craziness of Dallas. Once I entered this bathroom, it took everything in me not to vomit. It could be said with certainty that some male used a certain organ like a garden hose and drenched that room in urine. It stunk to high heavens and there were weird stains all over (gag, gag, gag!). It was one of those classy establishments with with a urinal, toilet, and vending machines all in one room (a 3 for 1 deal, I guess!). I was attempting to use the restroom in a lady-like manner, but there were no blasted seat covers. "For the love of Pete, I WILL NOT sit down on this toilet!" It was just not the kind of restroom you could put your standards of public toilets behind you and just get over it and sit down. Being the resourceful gal I am, I thought, "I got this. I'll just hold a squat and carefully avoid touching the seat. No biggie." Ha, no biggie until I realized after stopping a million times for pee breaks due to my large beverage consumption I didn't have enough reserves for a nice steady stream, so instead I felt pee start dribbling down my leg, and I was squatted too far up to hit the hole. "I AM ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE. I'M ONE OF THOSE DIRTY URINE SMELLING PEOPLE!!!!" I cleaned up, and ran out laughing telling Robert my story. He just rolled his eyes at his crazy wife. (Please tell me I'm not the only lady who in the attempt of avoiding disgusting toilets, has accidentally tinkled down her leg. If I am the only one, then shut up, this was hours into an 18 hour trip!)
Once urine gate 2014 was over, then we hit the road again towards Dallas. I realized we weren't in Missouri anymore! The overpasses towered over our interstate and looked like something from a futuristic movie. "My gosh, things really are bigger in Texas!" The trip began to get a little hairy from here, because of construction on I-35 which meant road barriers were on each side of the road eliminating the shoulders. I think Robert was biting his nails hoping the moving truck didn't bounce of the barriers like a pin ball machine. My heart was racing the entire time, because the speeds were fast and the roads were narrow. At one point driving through Texas, the speed limit got as high as 85! I get it, because Texas is boring and everyone wants to speed on through, but that just doesn't seem safe! Robert kept us powering through the trip, and refused to pay for a hotel, so I was slapping myself and shoving Sour Straws down my throat to stay awake. The later it got, the more emotional I became realizing I was SO far from HOME and that I would rarely ever get to visit my family, friends, and church. It was finally sinking in that I wouldn't get to call Missouri home for at least 3 years. A few tears were shed, and after 18 hours of driving and taking breaks we got to our new house. It was quite the adventure, and I told Robert I will never again drive it. Only flying for this gal!
"The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry." Robert Burns.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
And he withdrew from them about a stone's throw, and knelt down and prayed, saying, "Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.' Luke 22:41-42.
After the misfortunes I've had so far in 2014, I have been meditating on what it truly means to know God's calling for my life. I thought I knew, because I had prayed and meditated for months about what He wanted from my life. Did I misread the message? Did I make the message into what I wanted it to be? Worst of all, did I limit God and His plan for my life? I've been back to the questioning part of why me, what now, is my life supposed to look radically different than I had thought. It's been a big pill to swallow, because I thought I had been following God all along. I read through Job and thought about all that was taken from him in a short period of time, and for the first time in my life I could actually relate to what it meant to have multiple things ripped from my life suddenly. I've been hurt and mad, but I've had to stop and remember that God doesn't deserve my wrath. I've had to repeatedly tell myself, "Even if it NEVER gets better and even if life is NEVER as good as it was, will I allow myself to be taken over by bitterness and scorn God or will I get on my knees and pray that God would help me still praise Him if the storm never ends in this lifetime? Which will it be?". I've had people say the typical, "Oh you'll back and realize it made you stronger" or "Oh, you will look back and laugh and realize it wasn't that bad." God is a faithful God and he never forsakes us, BUT God never promises and easy life on Earth or that life won't be full of hurt. There is no guarantee that my life will ever get better or go back to the way it was, but that doesn't qualify me for a get-out-of-jail-free card to quit praising Jesus. Will I let the Devil win so easily?!
It's been a humbling few months, but it has brought me back to a place I prayed for God to bring me back to. I never even realized that until now, but I prayed for the past few years for Him to take me back to the days I had little material possessions but my heart yearned to make a difference. If I wasn't working then I was at church or out building relationships, instead of being holed up inside with my t.v. and air conditioned house. I could write a book on the woes of 2014, but the year started with my husband's car breaking down and us thinking the motor was shot, which if you don't know is really expensive to fix! Then within a week we had a minor fire in an electrical outlet and had to pay a few hundred to have an electrician fix some things. Then our dryer broke, and we had to buy a new dryer. To top it off, two of our dogs were fighting off recurrent nasty ear infections that cost us a pretty penny in vet bills. I didn't freak out too bad during that mess of a month, and God provided for us in that time in ways I didn't know was possible. I guess that was only a warm-up.
You've already heard about March Madness. No, not the basketball tournament, but my residency match that turned into residency not-match. It was an upset for sure and came as a complete surprise to my husband and I. This was the beginning of the real challenge. I hadn't been that depressed and defeated for some time. We secured a job for me, but Robert is still looking for a ministry position. We've been working on our house like crazy to sell it, and that's come with some ups and lots of downs. We had the refrigerator debacle of April, that turned into one broke fridge, that turned into paying a guy who couldn't fix it, that turned into buying one off Craiglist, that became the fridge that was doing exactly what our broken was doing- NOT WORKING, that then turned into buying a 3rd fridge off Craigslist. Multiple rounds of groceries ruined and some money spent, and the Strong's have a working brand new fridge that they got for a fraction of the price (because that's how the Lord operates!). I've had multiple melt-downs how we are possibly going to be able to get a house sold, projects paid for, move, and find Bob a job. God has shown me His provision during this time, and we've had some generous donations from our church family that I could never even begin to tell them how much we appreciate the way they take care of my family. Bob and I are a bit proud and we don't ask for help too often, but God knew what we needed and we were able to buy a working fridge because God spoke to a family that they were supposed to help us financially. I don't typically share about the gifts people give us, because I think it's a bit rude and also because our church family is ALWAYS giving to us so it'd take me all day to tell you every little thing. But seriously, that was such a God moment that when we got that gift I about burst into tears, and I'm not a cryer!
I've had a lot of moments of bitterness about getting rid of material possessions as well. I knew I would need to downsize for a 14 hr move and a smaller house, but I've also been getting rid of stuff to help financially for a move. Feeling forced to sell my possessions stirred up some madness and jealousy, because other people get to keep their nice things while I have to sell my used frugal furniture I waited years to buy. I love my crazy vintage stuff! Cleansing out my house and possessions, was fitting though because it caused me to cleanse my heart and pray to get rid of these feelings. It was spring cleaning in the ultimate sense!
I was finally becoming more open to the move and a new adventure, and then the worst news of this whole episode of madness occurred: my dad's cancer was back. My heart was a bit hardened to bad news at this point, so it took a day to set in. He had surgery back in the fall for melanoma in his lung, and the surgery went well and no further treatment was needed at the time. He has been doing follow-up and feeling good, so it was off my radar that the cancer would come back and so suddenly. He went for a follow-up scan and multiple metastasis were found in his liver and lungs. Bad news. He started immunotherapy the Monday after my graduation, and it went as well as could be expected and without side effects. In August he will have a repeat scan to see if the treatments are working. The prognosis isn't great, because, well, melanoma sucks a big bad butt. It's a very aggressive cancer that spreads silently and quickly, and it's resistant to most treatments. This news was really the punch in the gut after already feeling I had given up so much and being forced to move 14 hours away, and now I will be away from my family during my dad's treatments.
It's been a bit emotional, and I'll admit I don't like talking about some of it. I have numerous other dear friends currently going through battles of their own that have burdened my heart as well. God has faithfully provided support and encouragement through my family, friends, and church, and He has used people I'd never expect to send me the most uplifting notes that only He would know I needed to hear those words. God is that awesome. Like this beautiful flowers that are probably my most favorite I've ever received:
I know God has a plan for all of this that is greater than any plan I knew was possible, and I have to remind myself this during the moments it all just feels like a big stinking mess. I just have to keep faith, so I don't miss out on the greatness He has in store.
Number One: For the love of Pete, am I an animal or something?! How have I lived in this filth and never noticed? Dust on the air vents- check. Dust on every bit if trim- check. Fans covered in an inch of dirt- double check. Carpets covered in dog fur- hahahaha, duh! Dear people who buy our house, I promise it is being thoroughly cleaned. Lucky you!
2. Ah, ha, so THAT's where all my bobby pins and hair ties went! Could I find you when I needed you? No of course not. You blasted little things in your coppery camouflage have evaded my eyes for 2 years causing me to go in public with unsightly hair! Could I have bought more? Sure, but who wants to fight the folks at Walmart just to buy $.97 of metal. Not me.
Tres: Why have I never done this before? You know, cleaned and thrown out crap so my dresser only has the pretty flowers on it instead of being covered in junk mail and clean underwear? See how nice it looks:
Quatre: My neighbors are hoarders. Future homeowners, we built a nice privacy fence to block the junk. Yes, I may have seen rats last summer I attribute to their mess, but let's pretend that never happened. Mmkay? I know, I know, they have toys and trash littering their backyard that they mow around instead of picking up (the once a year they decide to mow).
I also realize they have Halloween and Christmas decorations outside that have been present the 2.5 years we've lived here. They have issues. Maybe refer them to star in an episode of hoarders. It would do them good.
And finally, please, someone fall in love with this house as much as we do. I never thought I'd love the 'burbs, but it's not half bad. No gun shots. I can safely run at night. The kiddos can play outside safely (aka- THE DOGS). I was supposed to have our first kid while we lived here, so please fill this place with babies and live it up. I'll try not to be jealous that you get to enjoy my festive paint colors. Sea foam green kitchen: Drool! Creamsicle orange living room: spunk-o-licious!! The apple green bathroom: yeah I didn't like that as much once it was up either. Blame it on the carpet at World Market that inspired me.The white trim and kitchen cabinets I painstakingly painted white: you're flipping welcome. Never. Again.
One big lesson God is teaching me through all of this is to let go and give up what my sinful heart is holding onto. This house is more than I could have imagined for our first house, or any house for that matter. I filled it with cuteness and love, but sometimes we don't get to keep stuff we love forever. I'm a cheap-o, so I waited years to buy furniture and when I did I bought vintage used stuff. I love it, and I was pretty bitter about having to give up almost everything I'd picked out with patience and frugality, but God has told me I just need let go and take very little on my next journey. If you know me, you know I get attached and sentimental about stuff, but I knew I just need to give it all up. Okay, more like my life has kind of been put in a blender and swirled about and I felt like things were being forcefully ripped from me all at once. I guess God felt like he needed to rip it all at once quickly like a bandaid to reduce the pain, but I can't say my heart was willing at first. Our life will almost be starting from scratch in Texas, but at least I get to leave Kansas City with more good memories than I could have imagine I'd have 4 years ago when I moved here and that's worth way more than a vintage couch!
This whole move to Texas is really cramping my style. I hate change and love routine, so the thought of leaving my beloved Missouri sucks butt. I've moved a lot over the past 10 years, and I've become more accustomed to change but it's still not one of my strengths. The last 4 years have been a time of adjustment for me to accept the KC area as "home," and I just when I made peace with it I'm being swept away somewhere else. I guess the saying is true you don't know what you've got until it's gone! Therefore, I've dedicated this post to some of my favorite places and things to do in KC. I will probably thing of more to share with you in the future, but these are a few of things on my mind tonight. I'm pretty boring and enjoy good old-fashioned fun, so excuse me if my list isn't full of the hip things to do :)
1. FARMER'S MARKETS: Oh my goodness, please, please, please forgo the grocery cart this summer and head on out to enjoy the wonderful local produce. There are so many farmer's markets in the metro area that I've only visited a few, but they are so worth your time and money. My favorite Saturday activity is to head out to one of the markets and pick up fresh produces, and then go home and cook a huge brunch. Mmmm, sweet tater hash browns, old fashioned pancakes smothered in fresh berries, and a large mug of locally roasted coffee. Of course, River Market is the huge urban market that most people know about. You can check it out here: http://www.kcrivermarket.com/. I love it because of the wonderful shops to venture in and the variety, but I hate crowds and this place is swarming on Saturdays. I tend to stick to the smaller markets close to my house. Blue Springs has a great market that is small but has decent variety AND organic produce! http://www.bluespringsfarmersmarket.com/. My favorite market is Lee's Summit market. I got a free range organic Amish raised chicken for $10 last year!!! It's a FABULOUS market. Go, please! Last but not least is the off-the-cuff market, BadSeed. This place is rockin' with heirloom varieties of organic veggies that you can't find anywhere else around, artisan breads, locally roasted coffee, herbs, meats, etc that is ALL organic. It's fun and on Friday evenings, and I suggest everyone go to see the amazing movement of urban farming. http://www.badseedkc.com/farm/the-farmers-market/vendors-products/.
2. ANTIQUES: Yes, please! KC has some mighty fine antique/vintage furniture stores. Seriously, some of the best and most unique I've seen. My all time favorite is River Market Antiques http://rivermarketantiquemall.com/. It is 4 floors of vintage awesomeness, and if an item is over $50, then you can bargain with the vendor for a lower price. I got two chairs and a couch for a 1/3 of the asking price by doing this, and they add just the touch of Hannah-ness to my house that it needed. I LOVE THIS PLACE! Another fan favorite of KC peeps are the West Bottoms. Sadly enough, I've only been here one time because I just found out about the amazingness that abounds in the old factory district. Rows and rows of old factory buildings have been turned into floors and floors of refurbished goodness. The stores are like mazes, because the old buildings haven't been redone and are have their original old wood creakiness and dank hallways (which I find fabulous). You could spend days searching through the stores. http://www.westbottoms.com/.
Here's a picture of my green chairs and coffee table found at the above stores:
3. INDEPENDENCE SQUARE: This is my all time favorite place to escape and feel a blast from the past. There is something quaint and nostalgic about this simple downtown, even though half of the downtown is vacant. How sad! I could disappear here for an afternoon and feel my worries wash away. My favorite ice cream parlor is located here: Clinton's Soda Fountain. I believe the story is President Truman was a soda jerk here.
My favorite little coffee shop is located on the square. The coffee isn't the best in KC, but the atmosphere is adorable and cozy and wonderful. The counters are made from old doors with the antique knobs still in place. See:
4. QUICK GET-A-WAYS: You may have already realized I love good food, antiques, and the simple things in life. This is why I love a quick trip to the wonderful historical communities around KC. My two favs: the Civil War town of Lexington and one of the former largest ports on the Mississippi, Weston. They are both full of antique shops, artisan stores, fabulous old architecture, and local orchards and wineries. When I retire and am an old lady, I plan to move into one of these historic towns and live the rest of my days away in peace and simplicity :) I've yet to stay in a bed and breakfast at one of these locations, but it's on my to do list. Maybe I can convince Robert to take me before we move.
5. THE B-WORD.......BRUNCH!!!!: Yes, sirree, my ultimate meal in KC wouldn't be bbq, instead it would be brunch. The best brunch is one made with my husband or my friend Rachel with fresh local produce and meats, but second best is at one of the local restaurants. My top places would be Ginger Sue's in Lee's Summit http://www.gingersues.com/locations.html, Succotash just off downtown KC http://www.succotashkc.com/, The Corner Restaurant http://www.thecornerkc.com/, and last but not least the Corner Cafe http://www.thecornercafe.com/.
6. LAKES: This goes out to my husband who likes to disappear on a hot summer night and go fishing ALL night long. I grumble and moan, but I have fun joining him and snacking on Little Debbies and reading while he fishes. There are some great small lakes around that we've had a lot of fun letting out some stress. My favorite is Smithville Lake. The lake is huge and beautiful, and the land surrounding it is extremely serene. Another option for my future retirement ;)
The young doctor got to her school and her SOAP week began. Here's a little bit about SOAP or "the scramble" process: For students who don't match to a program, they go through a 4 day process called supplemental application. During this time they get a list of unfilled programs and can apply to 45 programs. Programs can call applicants that look good on paper and phone or skype interview them. Wednesday and Thurday then consist of rounds of matching. The applicant can receive multiple offers in a round and they have 2, yes TWO, hours to say yes or no, and that reply is a legally binding offer. At no point can they initiate contact with a program or have someone do so on their behalf, so this whole process is based off a computer application. Then, at the end of the rounds on Thursday students that are left unmatched still can contact any remaining programs. As an Osteopathic student you can also get a list of unfilled programs from their match (yes, they have a separate match a month before this allopathic-MD- match). Then basically programs can call you, they typically talk to you a few minutes, and then make an offer right then. You only have a few minutes to hours to make a decision, or they will move on to other applicants.
Okay, now that you know the basics, back to the original story: The medical student acquired a list of programs in pediatrics, psychiatry, internal medicine-pediatrics dual residency, peds-psych-child psych triple board, family medicine, and traditional one year internship. Her husband met her at the school and they began forming a list of programs that would be near churches and seminaries for him. She sent in applications Monday night, and got a call from a peds-psych-child psych program that was her number one choice! She was ecstatic, and the conversation went well and led to an offer for a Skype interview the next day. She ended a crazy day feeling hopeful that this program was meant just for her. Her spirits were also lifted by the support of her friends Heidi and Will who fed her and the husband and listened to their newest life complication.
Tuesday: She got 2 calls from internal medicine-pediatrics dual board residency programs and 1 from a psychiatry program. The hope remained, because she felt good her application stood out for calls. The Skype interview didn't go great, and she felt she didn't make a connection with the doctor interviewing her. Her spirits dropped, and she got done with the interview and had her first tearful breakdown feeling no one would hire her. Interviews terrify her, and she finds bragging about herself and kissing butt about each program a really painful process. She tried to keep her chin up, because one program had told her how great a applicant she was with good grades and test scores so she felt competitive. Tuesday ended with feeling okay, because the rounds would begin the next morning and she had a few calls. Her fingers were crossed and prayers were said for a good turnout. She was lucky for her friend Megan who brought homemade macaroni over for dinner, or else she wouldn't have eaten that day.
Wednesday: The young doctor didn't get anymore calls that morning, but she had sent up follow-up emails with the programs that had already contacted her. She then waited until 11am for round one. Up popped the results; You do not have any offers this round.This led to breakdown number 2, but she remained in front of the computer staring at the screen for 3 hours until round 2, the last round of the day. Again, no offers. Tears flooded her eyes, and she decided to head to campus before the period ended where she could apply to programs. She thought surely the adviser for Match could help her make a game plan. She got there and no one was to be seen in the conference room that was supposed to be set up to help. When she found him in his office, he was chit chatting with another student about a non urgent issue and the student had 1 hour before her finalized applications were due. 10 minutes of waiting and he moseyed out to help her. FINALLY. She vented a bit about feeling like a strong applicant, but not getting any offers. He tried telling her it's just competitive, but he didn't offer much reassurance. He set her up with a computer, and left the room. Yes, sir! He left the room and came back 30 minutes later AFTER her list was already due. So much for getting advice on programs to apply to. She headed to her friends house, Rachel, who fed her and encouraged her that God would provide. She then went home and told her husband how the past 4 years of working hard was for nothing. The time was wasted, and she had no idea why after all this time God would just let His plans for her fall through. She laid in bed in the dark at 6pm for hours just staring into space wondering why she was going through this and what would happen with her future. Her appetite was zilch, and she alternated between crying and staring, staring and crying. It was a rough night and no sleep occurred.
Thursday: She woke up bright and early after laying in bed in emotional misery all night. Her plan was to head to campus and talk to someone new, because she was fairly certain she wasn't going to match that morning, which meant a new process to obtain a position. When she got to campus, the man she wanted to see was gone to a convention, so his secretary tried to help her. She offered to get the man the young doctor had spoken to the day before, but she requested it be someone different. Come to find out it didn't matter because he had taken off Thursday and Friday for vacation! This meant the two men in charge of helping people who didn't match were gone during Match week! The student was infuriated and started panicking. The secretary attempted to calm her, and then in walked the school president. He was helpful and listened to the student's concerns, and agreed she needed to speak with someone to develop a game plan to help her get to her goal of peds. He went and got the dean.... This led to a 20 minutes of unfruitful, snarky remarks from him... in short he told her, and I quote, "Well you didn't play the match smart, You should have applied to more programs in more cities." to which she replied, "Okay, and there's nothing I can do about that now." to which he said rudely, "Okay, fine, yeah enough said about that." He then advised the young student that she should just big a position, the first one that makes an offer no matter what specialty, because she needs a job. She tried to express her concern that she didn't want to be picky, but she did have goals and didn't just want to say yes to the first program. His reply "Well you didn't play the match right and now you are paying the repercussions, so yeah you can't be picky. just pick a place. You'll find I'm very up front with people." The young doctor was furious this was advice she got after paying hundreds of thousands of dollars to this school, and thought the guy was a real....insert explative. The dean then proceeded to get on his phone and call a program without asking in INTERNAL MEDICINE- a specialty she didn't care for. He told her to call the program, and keep him updated, and that was the end of the awesome advice. When the rounds concluded at 4pm that day, she could then begin calling and emailing her resume to any and every residency with an open position. Basically nothing was open in the MD (allopathic) world, so she contacted DO (osteopathic programs). She did have a lead there might be spots opening up in peds at a hospital in MO, so she called and was told no positions would open. Her dreams suddenly came crashing down, but she tried persevering. She emailed and called until 2am. She got one call that night from a psych program in Miami, but felt that was not the place for her.
Friday: Calls started coming in at 6am for psych and family medicine osteopathic programs. She got quite a few offers, but was still hesitant because she felt in her gut she was supposed to be doing peds. But by 12pm she had an offer from Corpus Christi, TX and was told if she didn't call back within a few minutes the position could be gone later in the day. She verbally accepted and was happy to have a job, but crushed she'd be moving 15 hours away for a specialty she didn't feel called for. A few hours later she found out in deed the pediatric positions would open, so then she felt trapped. Did she just throw away her one opportunity? She decided to forget it. Her husband took her out on a double date and they celebrated the new job, although they were both sad about the outcome.
Saturday: She wrestled with sending an email to the peds program, just to check it out. She finally did that night, and heard back Monday that they still weren't sure they would have spots. The doctor felt she must fight with all her might until God clearly closes the door. She had doctors call the program the next day, but received an email they kept with their rank list and didn't interview anyone else. It was final that TX would be her future home.
That's my crazy story in short, but honestly no words could describe the emotions I felt the past two weeks. I felt anger and betrayal that I had prayed for direction and felt peace about it, but that pediatrics got yanked from me. Not only that, I didn't even get my second choice of psychiatry. I question why God had given me the gifts, the visions, the heart for these specialties, but then placed me somewhere else. The harder pill to swallow has been not only a specialty I felt wasn't my calling, but to have me move 15hrs away, leave my husband and dogs for who knows how long, and live away from home. I was just getting my house settled and finally feeling like the KC area was home, and then BAM, nope sorry, you have to move AGAIN. It makes me SO mad. The pieces don't seem to fit as to why this whole process is happening to our family. My husband has a church that is thriving, a job as a pastor he LOVES, and a seminary program he is knee deep in Biblical languages. It's like seriously, why are BOTH of us being ripped from what we feel God called us to do?!?! It's been disheartening, and it feels like I'm moving through life in a fog. I'm utterly humiliated that I repeatedly got turned down, and that programs didn't like me for whatever reason. Of course, then there is the trusty, "God's got plans, you'll see." or the "Something will open up, just have faith." or "Can't you just call the hospitals around here and find a job." No actually, that door has been slammed shut so hard in my face that no in fact I can't just find any ole' job here and my faith tank is running on fumes people! I've had my good moments this week thanks to my husband cheering me up and drowning my pain in tubs of buttered movie popcorn and candy, but I've also had those quiet moments where I feel abandoned by God. I see my classmates who matched to places they are so excited about it, but I can barely fathom that in 1.5months I won't even live in my house or see my husband. My excitement, is well, none.
Tonight, I decided to start reading Job. No, I don't think my job crisis is the equivalent of becoming diseased, losing all family, and losing all wealth, but I knew I needed a reminder that sometimes things happen because Satan is trying to distract God's fruitful workers. In my study Bible intro to Job it states, "Among God's creatures there is the great adversary. Incapable of contending with God hand to hand, power pitted against power, he is bent on frustrating God's creation enterprise centered on God's relationship with the creature that bears his image. As tempter he seeks to alienate humans from God; as accuser he seeks to alienate God from humans. His all-consuming purpose is to drive an irremovable wedge between God and humans to effect an alienation that cannot be reconciled." This reminded me of Satan's attempt to crush us when we are making big moves for God. My goal is to remember this week that God is still God, and He will help us through even if it doesn't feel like it right now. Easier said than done. I will leave you with a song I've had on repeat all night:
"I've made a place for you hear, so come on, come on, All things are possible, so come on, come on."
I love this phrase. I need to make a place for God in my heart, and allow Him to work. Prayers for me as I try to do this!
Well my, oh my, how things have changed since I last wrote. My world has been turned over, shaken up, and completely changed in a matter of 1.5 weeks. How do I even start with explaining what happened? I guess we will start at the beginning:
Once upon a time there was a medical student named Hannah who was in the midst of her 3rd and 4th years of medical school. She would battle the evils of illness and injury alongside a different doctor each month. People would ask her, "Are you a doctor yet?" or "So you're going to be a nurse?" or "So are you still in the classroom?" or "So you're an intern? Or are you a resident? By the way, what's the difference?" She'd answer these questions the best she could, but it was hard for people to understand the process of medical school training. Many people thought she would be a great pediatrician, because she loved kids and always had a baby in her hands. When she started school she thought the same thing, but as clinicals went on she became more confused. She developed a passion for mental health and seemed to have a real knack for connecting with that patient population, so then she thought about psychiatry. She wasn't enjoying family medicine much, until early in her fourth year when she rotated with an older doctor in Oak Grove who drank coffee with his longtime patients, could treat almost any illness, and who clearly loved his job. She became really confused and started praying to God that He would shine some light on her future path.
Around this same time period of her clinicals, her husband's ministry at a local church was thriving and the church was growing exponentially. Many baptisms were performed, and the pews were filling up on Sunday mornings. Change was happening and it was an exciting time for the church. A vote took place to build an addition, but this was a big venture for the church and they required a lot of trust and leadership from their pastor. He and his wife prayed for direction and verbally committed to the church that they were in it for the long haul and would not leave the church anytime soon. For the wife this meant that she was committing to stay in Kansas City for her residency program after medical school, but she trusted it would all work out.
Through the summer and fall of her 4th year of medical school, the young student doctor began applying to programs in KC for residency. She was still confused on direction, but she also knew limiting herself to one city meant the smartest thing to do was apply to different specialties so that she was applying to enough programs. For a reference, the typical medical student picks one specialty and applies all over the country to AT LEAST 20 programs. She knew it was risky, but she trusted God would take care of her since He called her family to stay in KC. She applied to 4 programs in KC, 1 peds, 1 psych, and 2 family medicine programs. Although there were a few more programs she could have applied to to increase the number and chances of matching, she decided against it because she had heard about the programs and just wasn't impressed and decided they weren't even worth applying to. The interview season began and all 4 programs interviewed her. They went okay, although programs did seem to dislike her strategy to apply only in KC to multiple specialties. Where the student really thrived was on her rotations at 3 of the 4 of these programs. She worked hard, got along with residents, wrote great notes, and the faculty seemed to like her work ethic. She truly believed this would help her win a spot in KC.
She was still struggling with what she would rank as her first choice. She prayed up until applications were due in February for what God wanted her to pursue. None of the programs felt right to her. One she just didn't like, although the people and faculty were nice it didn't seem like a good fit. Another was busy and she learned a lot and performed well, but again she didn't feel a strong bond with the residents. She thought she'd be fine if she matched there, but she didn't think it would be her top choice. The third hospital she didn't get to do a rotation at, but her interviews went well and she felt okay. When she left that interview day, she wasn't wowed and felt like the program was lacking in important areas. She also did not have any sort of bond with the current residents. She got asked in the interview if she would be able to come to social events since she was married and her husband was busy, and that didn't settle well with her but she shrugged it off and figured she'd cross that bridge when it came. The final program was huge, prestigious, and VERY busy. She felt like she was a rockstar during her time there, and was told by faculty they'd love to have her, the residents gave her great feedback and said they'd rank her high, and she even got a pat on the back during a residency meeting for handling the patient's well. She left the rotation thinking she did great, but during her time there she sensed the residents were short with one another and seemed too stressed to be cordial half of the time. She left her last day saying she had a good time there, but wouldn't be upset if she didn't ever come back there. Where did this leave the young doctor when these are her only choices? It left her with prayer and asking God for direction.
She prayed and prayed in December, January, and February, and finally in February through prayer and advisement by an amazing doctor she felt the call to pediatrics. She loved children and dreamed of specializing in behavior and devlopment or child abuse and neglect to serve foster and adopted children and their families. It seemed like a great combination of pediatrics and psychiatry! The children's hospital was her top choice, followed by the rest and she felt 100% peace about the decision. She typically was a worrier and stewed over the outcome, but during the month of waiting she felt confident in decision and told her friends and husband she had zero worry about matching in KC. Her resume was good, she had good clinicals, and the interviews went okay so she trusted God to match her.
Many of you may be wondering what the heck is Match week? Well, IT'S ONLY THE MOST IMPORTANT PERIOD IN A MEDICAL SCHOOL STUDENT'S CAREER! In short, you send a rank listed of the most desired to least desired programs you'd like and each program does this for the people they interview, and then some computer system takes a few minutes and matches or doesn't match you to a program. It's a bit more complicated than that, but if you aren't ranked high enough on any list you won't match. The Friday before Match week you get an email telling you instructions for the case you wouldn't match. The young student laughed and said I'm not worried at all, because God has given me a peace I'll match. Again, this is weird for worry-wart student.
Monday March 17 rolled around and she was casually checking her email when she got an email about the match. She read it at work and her eyes couldn't believe the words, " We are sorry you didn't match to any program." She was SO confused and bolted out of work to head to school. Her immediate reaction was anger, how could these programs not rank me high enough?! IT MUST BE A MISTAKE! She zoomed to school and found the list of unfilled programs, and her scramble week began. To be continued....
My mind has been filled with thought about the evilness and badness that exists in our world. I've noticed that over the years I've become much more emotion filled when I think of crap that happens in our world. Abused children with broken bones, bruises, burns, empty bellies, and hurting hearts. Countries full of war where women are brutally raped, children are starving, and the sound of bombs and bullets are a daily occurrence. A worldwide market of children and women enslaved to serve the perverse fantasies of adult men. You can't drive down I-70 without seeing signs for "gentleman's clubs" and "adult stores," all so some sleezy men can pull over for some cheap thrills at someone else's expense. There are daily news reports of people torturing animals- starving them, chaining them in the heat and cold, and leaving them to die.
There are days I think my heart may literally break, because of stories like these. It's often hard for me to fathom why I have it so good, while others are in a daily hell. My heart aches when I hear of children who it seems never even had a chance- born into poverty, abused, neglected, no resources, raped, etc. "GOD, WHY SPARE ME?" I cry out. The problems seem too big to ever go away. What could I possibly do to help?
I can look back at my childhood and see the way God was shaping my heart to care for these people. That's why he spared me! As a young girl, my parents taught me through example what it meant to serve others. My mom taught special ed, and I can see how her work ethic and heart to serve these kids made me want to do the same. I was the kid reading history books about the atrocities in Nazi Germany, and I thought Anne Frank was so brave. I can remember watching an episode of 20/20 with Hugh Downs and Barbara Walters about the orphanages in Romania that were full of cribs and babies who were never held. I remember thinking,"I'll go there! I'll hold all of those babies and love them." I was the girl that said I'm never having my own babies, instead I'm going to foster and adopt kids who need parents. These seemed liked insignificant events, but were really so important as God was shaping my heart to bear the burden to serve others.
I've been in a limbo the last 2 years trying to figure out how these passions to serve the hurting mesh with my medical career and where does God want me to serve. I still feel inadequate to be a doctor and go to these places that seem scary and dangerous. How will I be brave enough to do it? I've struggled with choosing between psychiatry and pediatrics, and after much prayer I'm pursuing pediatrics and praying I will match there in March. I often get strange looks when I tell people I love psychiatry, but I find it a field of people misunderstood and in need for healing and Jesus. My ultimate goal is to blend my love for mental illness and my love for kids and become a behavior and development pediatrician who specifically works with families who are fostering and adopting children. We live in a world in desperate need of parents for these unwanted children, but it can be a scary task for parents to take these kids into their homes. I get reactions from people like I could never make a difference, because the damage is already done and the cycle continues for the people- A lost cause mentality. God has reminded me that this a lie directly from the enemy. We don't take on tasks for God on the basis of guaranteed success; we take them on because of a commandment to serve others and show them the hope of God. We might never see the final product of the seeds we plant, but God can take them and create miracles!
It's all nerve wracking and exciting, but through this process God has really got my heart on fire to do what I came to medical school to do. I came to get an education, so I can go and serve God's people. I want to travel overseas to Africa and Romania and serve the children. I want to serve families who adopt and foster and help them through parenting a kid with baggage and behavioral issues. I want to fill my house with foster kids and tell them,"Satan has been lying to you since day one. You are loved. You are important and I'm not going anywhere." I finally have that fire again where I want to tell satan face-to-face, "Look here moron, despite what you tell me, I can do this and God will prevail over you!" Without God, these tasks are impossible, but with God there's no end to the miracles and healing He can do!
God has called us to so much more than cowering in the corner too scared to reach the lost and hurting, and I'm thankful He reminded me of this during worship this morning during these awesome songs:
"....Love has come and we're orphans no longer....It's rising it's rising, A song of hope from us set free..."
"...His love is fierce, His love is strong, It is furious...And it's waking hearts to life!"
So people, my message to you is to live this week with abandon and bear the burden for someone in need. Thank you Jesus for the blessings you have bestowed on us to share with others! I leave you with the last of my series of poems. This poem was written by me in my last few months living in STL. I was on fire for STL and seeing change in the city. I would go to the huge city park there and sit on a beautiful hill that overlooked a fountain by the art museum. I even had the courage to organize a prayer for the city with church members and old co-workers. I feel like I am finally back to that place of being on fire for God and on fire for change in this cold world. God is hope and He wants so much from our lives! Believe it!
I stand alone on a hill,
Seeking Your truth and presence;
Praying for Your Church,
to be on it's knees in reverence.
The Church is failing it's mission,
To spread the good news;
Our hearts work in vain,
Speaking Your words as we choose.
We bastardize the Church,
As we prostitute your teachings;
Relevance has become the goal,
It's the focus of our preachings.
Our lives are mere glimpses,
They reflect truth in only parts;
Because the Spirit is not the focus,
Leading the desires of our hearts.
We speak of revival,
A renewal of your people;
But the Church is content to stay,
Hidden behind the steeple.
Did we miss the work of Jesus,
The dirt roads he tread?
He called those from their comfort,
Abandoning lives they once lead.
Don't be deceived by the enemy,
Believing you're not to blame;
Until the world seeks His glory,
You carry a load of the shame.
Surrender your every thought,
Present it as holy offering;
Believe in the power of the Spirit,
and the majesty of the King.
May a holy fire burn deep,
A revolution is my cry;
May we drink of the Holy River,
and no longer be dry.
