"Walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet
towards home, a land that I've never seen
I am changing; less and less asleep
made of different stuff than when I began
And I've sensed it all along
fast approaching is the day...
There's distraction buzzing in my head
Saying in the shadows it's easier to stay
but I've heard rumors of true reality
whispers of a well-lit way
You make all things new." 'Shadowfeet' Brooke Fraser
I often quote lyrics on here, because I love the way Christian music can speak the words and truth of the Bible to me in a memorable way. This song has been my anthem of the month, or something of the sorts. I love what the lyrics speak to me about my current situation and also remind of where I have been. It's beautiful!
God is repeatedly speaking to my heart and teaching me the same lessons I've learned before (Not his fault. I'm hard headed and I never learn the first time) and taking me a bit deeper each time. The journey is painful, but I can't imagine still living with my insecurities dictating every move I made. It's embarrassing me for think of some of the stuff I did or the way I treated others in my younger days.
I cringe. I get nauseous. I panic a bit when one of those memories unearths itself and I wish everyone in the world would magically forget all my missteps. God then intercedes and reminds me He HAS DONE JUST THAT!
Thank you, Jesus.
I am humbled by Savior who uses me, my mess and all, to serve His Kingdom. He picks me up and breaths life into my soul to erase the shame and guilt from my imperfections.
I grew up in a Christian home, so I can't say there is a time where I didn't believe in Jesus, but I can say there was a period where I didn't live like I knew a thing about Him. I remember God tugging on my heart and speaking 'Whispers of a well-lit way,' but it took a long time for me to respond. When those whispers grew to shouts, and I could not longer ignore them, I can remember the feeling of utter humility and the desire to be completely authentic to people for the first time ever. I didn't care what they thought, but I just had to share my pain and my thoughts, my sin and my missteps, and that was my way of letting go.
I continue to 'stumble on these shadowfeet,' and God is again humbling me and reminding me to not let my insecurities rule my life: One of those lessons I don't think I'll ever learn. I'm in one of those periods of life again, where I have been stripped of what I thought defined my life, and God has taken me to the bare minimum. A time for just me and Him. A sweet yet painful time to rely on Him, to be refined, and to be authentic with others. Because, in reality, this is what should define me anyways.
I write this to remind any of you ladies struggling with your journey to take heart and be reminded of the One who loves you. You can come to Him now, no matter what is going on in your life, and He will take you, mess and all. He loves you just like that and will help you become so much more, because He makes all things new.
Saturday, September 20, 2014
Saturday, September 13, 2014
Oh, Autumn, How I Love Thee!
It's that time of year again. The wonderful, beautiful season called autumn. I don't know when it became my favorite season. Maybe it was in college when I was sick of training for track in the August heat. It could have been in St. Louis, when I enjoyed my jogs in the cool evenings at Forest Park. I can't say with certainty when it started, but I do know when the weather starts to cool and the leaves start to change my heart starts to pitter-patter.
I enjoy all of the seasons because they each hold something new and unique to those few months, but none of them make me feel nostalgic like fall does. Without fail, at the end of every August my mouth starts craving the flavors of fall, my mood starts itching to put on jeans and boots, and my heart starts yearning to make new memories and relive the old ones. I want to put on my uniform and make a few spectacular catches in the outfield. I want to put on my running tights and tennis shoes and go run some hills with the girls. I want to sit at home on the weekends and drink iced cold coke and eat my dad's chili while my family watches football and I study in my room. I miss eating my mom's applesauce and going out shopping with her on my visits home. I miss the days of driving to my family's orchard and eating apples and drinking cider to my heart's content. My heat smiles thinking of the days of drinking cider with Brooke and watching Everwood before heading to Icthus. I think of the times spent with my pumpkin-loving friend Beth cooking in her kitchen and getting her sage advice about life and relationships. Fall makes me think of KC and driving around to orchards, antiquing in Lexington, baking in my seafoam colored kitchen, drinking coffee with my Burlap ladies, cooking with Rachel in her 100 year old house, and drinking lattes with Jenna while we study together at Panera.
Autumn is a time life slows down and I spend more time with the ones I love. I'm sentimental any season, but fall brings out the real sap in me. I've been pondering about life lately, and my thoughts of the season reminded me how much I love routine and certainty. I used to say I couldn't wait to leave home and I dreamed of traveling and being a missionary, but in reality I'm much more of a homebody than I realized. I don't like surprises and change, so a few days away from home, and I'm ready to come back. I get ideas of what I want my life to look like, but really as long as I have my family and friends that's when I am happy. It doesn't matter if I live in a the city or the suburbs, or if I have a house or an apartment, or if my house is perfectly decorated or pieced together with hand-me-downs, or if my job is fulfilling or dreadful to face. Life is empty without relationships and the memories they leave behind.
I don't know if I've taken advantage of my life and the people around me. Maybe I didn't appreciate what I had and the opportunities I was given to build relationships and love on people. I don't know what brought me to the season of life I am in now, but I know I couldn't face it without my husband, family, friends, and dogs (he-he). I've been savoring my moments with Robert here. I get to come home to homemade meals, end the day laughing at our dogs, and spend the weekend in my pajamas cooking and drinking coffee with Robert and re-charging for the week. It's the first time since we have been married that we have only had each other, and it's been quite nice! These are new memories to think back fondly on next fall, and my heart will want to recreate the feelings of thankfulness I have right now doing the little things with the one I love.
I enjoy all of the seasons because they each hold something new and unique to those few months, but none of them make me feel nostalgic like fall does. Without fail, at the end of every August my mouth starts craving the flavors of fall, my mood starts itching to put on jeans and boots, and my heart starts yearning to make new memories and relive the old ones. I want to put on my uniform and make a few spectacular catches in the outfield. I want to put on my running tights and tennis shoes and go run some hills with the girls. I want to sit at home on the weekends and drink iced cold coke and eat my dad's chili while my family watches football and I study in my room. I miss eating my mom's applesauce and going out shopping with her on my visits home. I miss the days of driving to my family's orchard and eating apples and drinking cider to my heart's content. My heat smiles thinking of the days of drinking cider with Brooke and watching Everwood before heading to Icthus. I think of the times spent with my pumpkin-loving friend Beth cooking in her kitchen and getting her sage advice about life and relationships. Fall makes me think of KC and driving around to orchards, antiquing in Lexington, baking in my seafoam colored kitchen, drinking coffee with my Burlap ladies, cooking with Rachel in her 100 year old house, and drinking lattes with Jenna while we study together at Panera.
Autumn is a time life slows down and I spend more time with the ones I love. I'm sentimental any season, but fall brings out the real sap in me. I've been pondering about life lately, and my thoughts of the season reminded me how much I love routine and certainty. I used to say I couldn't wait to leave home and I dreamed of traveling and being a missionary, but in reality I'm much more of a homebody than I realized. I don't like surprises and change, so a few days away from home, and I'm ready to come back. I get ideas of what I want my life to look like, but really as long as I have my family and friends that's when I am happy. It doesn't matter if I live in a the city or the suburbs, or if I have a house or an apartment, or if my house is perfectly decorated or pieced together with hand-me-downs, or if my job is fulfilling or dreadful to face. Life is empty without relationships and the memories they leave behind.
I don't know if I've taken advantage of my life and the people around me. Maybe I didn't appreciate what I had and the opportunities I was given to build relationships and love on people. I don't know what brought me to the season of life I am in now, but I know I couldn't face it without my husband, family, friends, and dogs (he-he). I've been savoring my moments with Robert here. I get to come home to homemade meals, end the day laughing at our dogs, and spend the weekend in my pajamas cooking and drinking coffee with Robert and re-charging for the week. It's the first time since we have been married that we have only had each other, and it's been quite nice! These are new memories to think back fondly on next fall, and my heart will want to recreate the feelings of thankfulness I have right now doing the little things with the one I love.
Sunday, August 17, 2014
Does Anybody See?
"Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even know she's going down today,
Under the shadow of our steeple,
With all the lost and lonely people,
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me,
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?"
It is humbling to be a pastor's wife to be in this position, because I have been nestled away in a loving church where it is a rare occurrence to have a visitor who is not approached by at least one person for conversation. I have not felt that twinge of loneliness of the single life in quite a few years, but I am taking it as a reminder to be involved in the lives of the people around me even if it's uncomfortable.
How many times have you missed the mark of Luke 10:27, to love your neighbor as yourself? When we are wrapped up in ourselves and content with complacency, then we miss out on the bigger picture. Even though it was frustrating for me to sit in a church for over a month and not make a friend, it actually made me more sad for the church members who missed an opportunity. They missed the chance to hear a story, to share the burden, and to fulfill the great commission to a saint in need. Our job doesn't end when a person is saved, but our journey with them is just beginning. The saved also experience loneliness, depression, defeat, and self doubt. The courteous smile and handshake aren't enough to fulfill God's commandment of love. If that's your idea of living out the Great Commission, then please pick up your Bible and pray for your eyes to be opened and your heart to burdened for the lives around you. I don't speak this out of living this out perfectly, because I do not live this out everyday, let alone every Sunday. It's a challenge to myself as well to not let my self-pity restrict my ministry.
I love relationships and friendships, but the biggest sin in my life is picking and choosing who I minister to, and shutting out the hard to love or those I have differences with. If I feel wronged by you or offended by you, then I have it made up in my mind that you aren't going to ever change and you aren't worthy of my time. Man, what a shameful and sinful mindset about God's people. I wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of that kind of treatment, so God has repeatedly shown me the dirtiness of my own heart towards others and challenged me to do better. He has humbled me to reach out and mend relationships that I would otherwise let fall to the way side.
God has called us to live life with one another, and that means through the thick and thin. I don't think there is anything more beautiful than watching a church overcome obstacles, and healing hurts and relationships to come out stronger on the other side. Relationships are messy and imperfect, but that doesn't excuse us from maintaining them and cultivating healing when it is needed. God has called each of us from our pew to meet people and love people. Challenge yourself to leave your usual seat in church and sit somewhere different. See the new faces and reach out to them, because you never know what burden they brought through the church doors or the hurt they are hoping someone will help them bear. Don't just reach out to the new people, but really get to know that family in your church you just could never understand. Make new efforts to live intentionally in your church and community.
My time in the new church was refreshing. I had numerous people introduce themselves to me, ask me a bit about myself, and even exchange phone numbers with me to call if I need anything. The music minister's wife invited me to lunch and I got to share a bit of my currently crazy life with her. They bought my lunch, and we have plans to get together this week. They have NO idea how much I needed that, to have a friendship down here and be made a part of their day. Just because I am a pastor's wife and established Christian, it doesn't mean I am never in need of tending, so imagine all the more the needs of the people you meet in your daily life who don't have the hope of Christ. Know there are hidden hurts in the Christians in your congregation- the loneliness of the single life, the hurt of divorce, the grief of a widow, etc, and meet people in the midst of their needs and help them through it. If you are hurting, then find a good Church home and let them carry you through. Let Christ be our guide, and let's live out our faith to the fullest extent.
Friday, August 8, 2014
Will Work for...
Have you ever felt like God "called" you to do something particular with your life? You know, like a man is called to be a pastor or in my case I felt "called" to be doctor. No, God didn't dial down from Heaven and verbally tell me to be a doctor, but through a course of years of prayer, questioning, and discernment I jumped on board with what I felt God told me was the calling of my life. I didn't understand why He chose me and I had no idea how I would get there or what my life would eventually look like, but I began to pursue this calling. There have been trials along the way, especially lately, that have made me question my life's purpose. I have been discouraged that I'm not fulfilling God's desire for my life and feel like I'm wasting time not reaching people like I am supposed. It really got me thinking the last few days what it means when a Christian says he/she is called.
I absolutely believe that God puts desires and directions in our hearts that are unique for each person, but I've been wondering the past few days if we make too big a deal out of our "calling." Is this an American Christian practice, or have Christians always felt like there was one job they were meant to do their entire lives and anything less is a waste? I don't have an answer to that yet, but I do plan to research it. I just notice so many of us, myself included, complain we aren't fulfilling our calling. "We aren't doing anything that's Kingdom worthy." "We aren't fulfilled by our work." "We are just DONE with these stupid jobs." We aren't paid enough, appreciated enough, leading people to Christ everyday, impacting the World every day so apparently what we are doing isn't important. It's our attitude we carry daily into work, which I believe trickles down into our personal relationships, our physical well being, and relationship with the Lord. If we aren't doing that one thing, then by golly our life is meaningless!
It's been on my heart that this is false. I don't think 100% of our life is spent feeling fulfilled and rewarded, because there are detours along the way. Maybe you questioned your abilities to perform the job at hand, so you end up at some other job that you aren't good at and you're miserable. You realize your mistake, but God takes the time in that job to teach you trust and patience. Maybe God allowed the Devil to try to separate you from Him, by taking you from your dream career like he did Job. You are stuck working at a job you hate or maybe you no longer have work. You feel like a failure, but God is using this time to strengthen your belief in Him and truly teach you what it means to praise Him in the storm. Maybe you just don't have a clear picture of what you are supposed to do, and it feels like everyone else around you is succeeding and changing the world and you're left in their dust. You are discouraged that your time will never come, but God is teaching you perseverance and how to seek Him. Maybe, just maybe, God has called you to an unglamorous profession where you are undervalued, taken advantage of, overworked, under- payed, and mentally exhausted. It's EXACTLY what He's called you to do, but you just want another door to open. Only, you don't know how good you have it. Your bills are paid and your family is cared for, but you just want to feel appreciated for what you do.
The thing is, no matter your situation, God has a purpose. It doesn't mean our spiritual calling is full of adventure and glamour. We all can't be missionaries to foreign lands or visionaries to save orphans and the oppressed. We aren't all going to be preachers or gifted at personally leading many to Christ. Maybe you are the seed sower who is effecting the people around you and you will NEVER even know it. Your time in a what seems menial job is refining your relationships with God, and your spirit of hard work, encouragement, and faith are a testament to your co-workers in ways they may never tell you. They know there is something different about you, and God is using your placement to change just one person. Isn't that alone worth the trials of the job?
According to Genesis 3:17 "...The ground is cursed because of you. You will eat from it by means of painful labor all the days of your life..." It seems we in America forget that work will be hard and not always make us feel like warm and fuzzy inside. I forget this over and over again. Instead of being thankful for work, I'm instead complaining about my job for various reasons. All of this reminded me of what we are all 'called' to do: "And he answered, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself.” Luke 10:27. Therefore, no matter our job we can fulfill the most important calling: We can love God and we can love others. It's that simple.
I absolutely believe that God puts desires and directions in our hearts that are unique for each person, but I've been wondering the past few days if we make too big a deal out of our "calling." Is this an American Christian practice, or have Christians always felt like there was one job they were meant to do their entire lives and anything less is a waste? I don't have an answer to that yet, but I do plan to research it. I just notice so many of us, myself included, complain we aren't fulfilling our calling. "We aren't doing anything that's Kingdom worthy." "We aren't fulfilled by our work." "We are just DONE with these stupid jobs." We aren't paid enough, appreciated enough, leading people to Christ everyday, impacting the World every day so apparently what we are doing isn't important. It's our attitude we carry daily into work, which I believe trickles down into our personal relationships, our physical well being, and relationship with the Lord. If we aren't doing that one thing, then by golly our life is meaningless!
It's been on my heart that this is false. I don't think 100% of our life is spent feeling fulfilled and rewarded, because there are detours along the way. Maybe you questioned your abilities to perform the job at hand, so you end up at some other job that you aren't good at and you're miserable. You realize your mistake, but God takes the time in that job to teach you trust and patience. Maybe God allowed the Devil to try to separate you from Him, by taking you from your dream career like he did Job. You are stuck working at a job you hate or maybe you no longer have work. You feel like a failure, but God is using this time to strengthen your belief in Him and truly teach you what it means to praise Him in the storm. Maybe you just don't have a clear picture of what you are supposed to do, and it feels like everyone else around you is succeeding and changing the world and you're left in their dust. You are discouraged that your time will never come, but God is teaching you perseverance and how to seek Him. Maybe, just maybe, God has called you to an unglamorous profession where you are undervalued, taken advantage of, overworked, under- payed, and mentally exhausted. It's EXACTLY what He's called you to do, but you just want another door to open. Only, you don't know how good you have it. Your bills are paid and your family is cared for, but you just want to feel appreciated for what you do.
The thing is, no matter your situation, God has a purpose. It doesn't mean our spiritual calling is full of adventure and glamour. We all can't be missionaries to foreign lands or visionaries to save orphans and the oppressed. We aren't all going to be preachers or gifted at personally leading many to Christ. Maybe you are the seed sower who is effecting the people around you and you will NEVER even know it. Your time in a what seems menial job is refining your relationships with God, and your spirit of hard work, encouragement, and faith are a testament to your co-workers in ways they may never tell you. They know there is something different about you, and God is using your placement to change just one person. Isn't that alone worth the trials of the job?
According to Genesis 3:17 "...The ground is cursed because of you. You will eat from it by means of painful labor all the days of your life..." It seems we in America forget that work will be hard and not always make us feel like warm and fuzzy inside. I forget this over and over again. Instead of being thankful for work, I'm instead complaining about my job for various reasons. All of this reminded me of what we are all 'called' to do: "And he answered, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself.” Luke 10:27. Therefore, no matter our job we can fulfill the most important calling: We can love God and we can love others. It's that simple.
Monday, June 30, 2014
A Revelation is My Cry
More of You, Less of me
Take this life, Lord it's Yours
Have my heart, Have it all," Hillsong 'To be Like You.'
"Now nothing is holding me back from you
Redeemer of my soul
Now nothing can hold me back from you
Your love will never let me go," Torwalts 'Nothing Holding me Back."
"I need You
To soften my heart and break me apart
I need You
To open my eyes, to see that You're shaping my life
All I am, I surrender
Give me faith to trust what You say,
That You're good and Your love is great
I'm broken inside, I give You my life," Elevation Worship 'Give me Faith.'
"I will not fight You
Take me past the line that my heart draws
I will not fight You
Take me beyond the laziness of my thoughts
I will not fight
Lead me further than I've gone before
I will not fight You
I'm abandoned to Your call," Rend Collective 'Broken Bread.'
The last 3 weeks have been exhausting emotionally. I've been alone for 2 weeks in a new city where I don't know anyone and I'm 18 hours away from my family and friends. I thought I would get clarity once I got down here. Alas, that hasn't happened. It's brought me back to that place where all I have left is God and that's the only comfort I've had besides dog kisses. I prayed I'd be made vulnerable and be back at that place where it was only God and I, and that's exactly what I got just not how I thought it would happen. You know, we pray for things from God, but if you're like me your mind has it made up how that should happen and what the exact game plan should be. Oh, the hilarity to think God would follow MY game plan!
What kind of physician should I be God? I prayed this for two years as I struggled to find the passion and excitement that I thought I'd have after sitting for two years in the classroom. It is a battle that I've still been fighting, and I wonder if I made the wrong decision. Did I work so long in vain? My mind has been so confused! One minute I'm excited about one idea of what my practice could look like, and the next I'm in despair thinking what a dumb idea that would be. I've prayed for discernment, but I look back and I feel like I've had mixed signals from God. Go here, do this! Oh, or you'd be good at this! Feelings? Mixed signals? Is this how the God of the Universe operates? Absolutely not! It's been discouraging, because my friends and classmates seem to have clear paths and callings that they are so excited to follow and I've felt behind the curb. My time down here has been spent praying, crying, and feeling like I'm stuck in a huge hole that there is not end in sight to. Our house hasn't sold, no church has called for Robert, and my heart feels like it was left back in Missouri. People tell me God didn't bring us down here to drop us and leave us hanging, but that's exactly how I've felt.
I know we aren't guaranteed easiness as Christians, and though my pain is real I have to keep my life in perspective and that others are suffering much worse. There's one lesson I've learned down here in two weeks: perspective. I cried and whined for a couple of years while I was in KC that it didn't feel like home, and just when I made it home it got ripped away from me. I desperately miss my church family. I knew that my heart had finally opened up and let them in and that I loved them a lot, but man I didn't realize how much they mean to me! Then there's the missing my husband part of the equation. I think I appreciated him, but I often let little things get to me and I didn't respect him like a wife should respect her husband. While I don't feel it's fair we have to be apart for an undetermined amount of time, I trust that God has a plan and is refining our relationship to be better than ever when we are together again. If the military wives can do it, then I can, right?! All of this has brought to my attention that I need to treasure things while I have them, because nothing lasts forever.
God also revealed to me that I am learning to put into practice what I preach as a physician. If you know me, then you know I love discussing mental health and approaching it holistically. The last 3 weeks I've hit a bought of depression. You know, the eat one meal a day-lay in bed all day-cry at the drop a hat with those uncontrollable sobs that come from deep down in your soul-questionable hygiene-can't fall asleep kind of depression. I know this and recognize that I'm unhappy. Am I depressed? Yes, sure. Do I need to go on anti-depressants? No. It's situational, and at some point the situation will get some resolution. I can combat it with prayer and reading the Bible, which should be my number one (I'm getting there). I can call a friend when I feel alone. I can force myself to sit in the sun and get my daily dose of vitamin D to get my happy neurotransmitters a-flowing. I can put on stinky yoga pants (I didn't have a washer for 3 weeks....:) ) and I can do some yoga outside while my dogs play or I can blast some Christian music and go run by the ocean. God spoke to my soul today about what he's teaching me through this that I can use to reach my patients.
God also reminded me that there are things that I love in medicine, and even though I've felt lesser of a physician for liking certain aspects of medicine that are looked down on by many others, if that's what He's called me to do there's nothing little about it! Wow, it seems so small and obvious but it was a revelation to my heart! I don't know what it means, but I do know I do not like feeling like my life isn't aligned with God's purpose for me. I've been reading 1 Samuel and I realized that my life is a bit like the Israelites when they panicked and begged Samuel for a King. It wasn't God's plan and they didn't listen to Samuel's warnings, so instead of having what God intended for them they got something flawed. I didn't listen to God is what it comes down to. It seems that somewhere along the way through the stress and pressures of medical school that I lost my way and let the world dictate my direction and not let God. I didn't mean to and I thought I was seeking Him, but I think I forgot some of the whispers to my heart He gave me throughout the way and let the opinions of others and the inadequacy of my heart lead the way. Sheesh, will I ever learn? I pray God continues to speak to me and show me the way in the next few weeks and months and that my mind would discern with clarity what my purpose is in medicine. I pray that God will have sole leadership of my heart and that wherever He directs me I follow no matter how hard the course will be. I pray I won't stress, panic, or worry that God won't reveal His plan to me, and that my heart will be still and wait for His perfect timing.
Thursday, June 19, 2014
Travel Tales
Well, I live in Texas, so that's new. It was an interesting 18 hour trip down here. Bob drove the Penske truck with our dog Hobbs, and I followed behind in my little Yaris with our dog Denver.
The first half of the trip was great. We drove through the hills of Kansas and Oklahoma, and avoided the crazy interstate with toll roads. It was peaceful and went pretty quickly, except for the one toll road in Oklahoma we had to go through: that was a a good time.
I must preface that I've only been through toll roads with friends, so I'm a little slow on the uptake on the process. Robert and I made sure have to have a bunch of dollar bills, so I thought we were set. Once we got to the toll, it was fast moving with one line that said "Cars with exact change here" and the next line said "Other Vehicles and other methods of payments here," I chose the previous, because I figured it was a machine and it would be faster because I had exactly two dollars. One problemo bucko, I didn't realize change meant actual change. Who in the heck has coins this day and age?! My problem was also exacerbated by my simpleton mind not understanding where the heck the hole was for the money. I finally figured out you put your money in this big funnel thing, but I'm thinking, "How is this hole going to accept my dollar bills? Who counts this money anyways?!" The sweat was pouring from my brow as I try to stuff my dollar bills in the hole at the bottom of the funnel. CRAAAP, that is definitely not working! I looked to my right where the lady at the station next to mine was taking money hoping she'd see my pleading face that I needed HELP. Nope, no luck, and then I turned around to see Robert peeling away in the moving truck. What the expletive am I going to do now?! I contemplated pulling forward, but there didn't seem to be a place to turn around and I just knew a cop would be around to pull me over and send me to jail for not knowing the rules of the toll. I was sure there was no way I was going to have enough change, and at this point a nice long line of cars was forming behind me, and some kind sir had his window down yelling more expletives and honking his horn. I suddenly LOATHED Oklahoma and swore I'd never come back (sorry Pioneer Woman! Love ya!). I then started dumping change from my slot in my car door and I didn't think it would be enough. Then I dug around my console and was throwing penny after penny into the darned hole. AAAAA, it was just enough. I was sure Jesus stretched my pennies like he stretched out the fish and bread to feed the 5,000. Thanks, God!
Once we arrived in Texas, it was time for a potty break. We stopped at a dinky hole in the wall, so we could avoid the craziness of Dallas. Once I entered this bathroom, it took everything in me not to vomit. It could be said with certainty that some male used a certain organ like a garden hose and drenched that room in urine. It stunk to high heavens and there were weird stains all over (gag, gag, gag!). It was one of those classy establishments with with a urinal, toilet, and vending machines all in one room (a 3 for 1 deal, I guess!). I was attempting to use the restroom in a lady-like manner, but there were no blasted seat covers. "For the love of Pete, I WILL NOT sit down on this toilet!" It was just not the kind of restroom you could put your standards of public toilets behind you and just get over it and sit down. Being the resourceful gal I am, I thought, "I got this. I'll just hold a squat and carefully avoid touching the seat. No biggie." Ha, no biggie until I realized after stopping a million times for pee breaks due to my large beverage consumption I didn't have enough reserves for a nice steady stream, so instead I felt pee start dribbling down my leg, and I was squatted too far up to hit the hole. "I AM ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE. I'M ONE OF THOSE DIRTY URINE SMELLING PEOPLE!!!!" I cleaned up, and ran out laughing telling Robert my story. He just rolled his eyes at his crazy wife. (Please tell me I'm not the only lady who in the attempt of avoiding disgusting toilets, has accidentally tinkled down her leg. If I am the only one, then shut up, this was hours into an 18 hour trip!)
Once urine gate 2014 was over, then we hit the road again towards Dallas. I realized we weren't in Missouri anymore! The overpasses towered over our interstate and looked like something from a futuristic movie. "My gosh, things really are bigger in Texas!" The trip began to get a little hairy from here, because of construction on I-35 which meant road barriers were on each side of the road eliminating the shoulders. I think Robert was biting his nails hoping the moving truck didn't bounce of the barriers like a pin ball machine. My heart was racing the entire time, because the speeds were fast and the roads were narrow. At one point driving through Texas, the speed limit got as high as 85! I get it, because Texas is boring and everyone wants to speed on through, but that just doesn't seem safe! Robert kept us powering through the trip, and refused to pay for a hotel, so I was slapping myself and shoving Sour Straws down my throat to stay awake. The later it got, the more emotional I became realizing I was SO far from HOME and that I would rarely ever get to visit my family, friends, and church. It was finally sinking in that I wouldn't get to call Missouri home for at least 3 years. A few tears were shed, and after 18 hours of driving and taking breaks we got to our new house. It was quite the adventure, and I told Robert I will never again drive it. Only flying for this gal!
I must preface that I've only been through toll roads with friends, so I'm a little slow on the uptake on the process. Robert and I made sure have to have a bunch of dollar bills, so I thought we were set. Once we got to the toll, it was fast moving with one line that said "Cars with exact change here" and the next line said "Other Vehicles and other methods of payments here," I chose the previous, because I figured it was a machine and it would be faster because I had exactly two dollars. One problemo bucko, I didn't realize change meant actual change. Who in the heck has coins this day and age?! My problem was also exacerbated by my simpleton mind not understanding where the heck the hole was for the money. I finally figured out you put your money in this big funnel thing, but I'm thinking, "How is this hole going to accept my dollar bills? Who counts this money anyways?!" The sweat was pouring from my brow as I try to stuff my dollar bills in the hole at the bottom of the funnel. CRAAAP, that is definitely not working! I looked to my right where the lady at the station next to mine was taking money hoping she'd see my pleading face that I needed HELP. Nope, no luck, and then I turned around to see Robert peeling away in the moving truck. What the expletive am I going to do now?! I contemplated pulling forward, but there didn't seem to be a place to turn around and I just knew a cop would be around to pull me over and send me to jail for not knowing the rules of the toll. I was sure there was no way I was going to have enough change, and at this point a nice long line of cars was forming behind me, and some kind sir had his window down yelling more expletives and honking his horn. I suddenly LOATHED Oklahoma and swore I'd never come back (sorry Pioneer Woman! Love ya!). I then started dumping change from my slot in my car door and I didn't think it would be enough. Then I dug around my console and was throwing penny after penny into the darned hole. AAAAA, it was just enough. I was sure Jesus stretched my pennies like he stretched out the fish and bread to feed the 5,000. Thanks, God!
Once we arrived in Texas, it was time for a potty break. We stopped at a dinky hole in the wall, so we could avoid the craziness of Dallas. Once I entered this bathroom, it took everything in me not to vomit. It could be said with certainty that some male used a certain organ like a garden hose and drenched that room in urine. It stunk to high heavens and there were weird stains all over (gag, gag, gag!). It was one of those classy establishments with with a urinal, toilet, and vending machines all in one room (a 3 for 1 deal, I guess!). I was attempting to use the restroom in a lady-like manner, but there were no blasted seat covers. "For the love of Pete, I WILL NOT sit down on this toilet!" It was just not the kind of restroom you could put your standards of public toilets behind you and just get over it and sit down. Being the resourceful gal I am, I thought, "I got this. I'll just hold a squat and carefully avoid touching the seat. No biggie." Ha, no biggie until I realized after stopping a million times for pee breaks due to my large beverage consumption I didn't have enough reserves for a nice steady stream, so instead I felt pee start dribbling down my leg, and I was squatted too far up to hit the hole. "I AM ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE. I'M ONE OF THOSE DIRTY URINE SMELLING PEOPLE!!!!" I cleaned up, and ran out laughing telling Robert my story. He just rolled his eyes at his crazy wife. (Please tell me I'm not the only lady who in the attempt of avoiding disgusting toilets, has accidentally tinkled down her leg. If I am the only one, then shut up, this was hours into an 18 hour trip!)
Once urine gate 2014 was over, then we hit the road again towards Dallas. I realized we weren't in Missouri anymore! The overpasses towered over our interstate and looked like something from a futuristic movie. "My gosh, things really are bigger in Texas!" The trip began to get a little hairy from here, because of construction on I-35 which meant road barriers were on each side of the road eliminating the shoulders. I think Robert was biting his nails hoping the moving truck didn't bounce of the barriers like a pin ball machine. My heart was racing the entire time, because the speeds were fast and the roads were narrow. At one point driving through Texas, the speed limit got as high as 85! I get it, because Texas is boring and everyone wants to speed on through, but that just doesn't seem safe! Robert kept us powering through the trip, and refused to pay for a hotel, so I was slapping myself and shoving Sour Straws down my throat to stay awake. The later it got, the more emotional I became realizing I was SO far from HOME and that I would rarely ever get to visit my family, friends, and church. It was finally sinking in that I wouldn't get to call Missouri home for at least 3 years. A few tears were shed, and after 18 hours of driving and taking breaks we got to our new house. It was quite the adventure, and I told Robert I will never again drive it. Only flying for this gal!
Friday, May 30, 2014
The Best Laid Plans
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
And he withdrew from them about a stone's throw, and knelt down and prayed, saying, "Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.' Luke 22:41-42.
After the misfortunes I've had so far in 2014, I have been meditating on what it truly means to know God's calling for my life. I thought I knew, because I had prayed and meditated for months about what He wanted from my life. Did I misread the message? Did I make the message into what I wanted it to be? Worst of all, did I limit God and His plan for my life? I've been back to the questioning part of why me, what now, is my life supposed to look radically different than I had thought. It's been a big pill to swallow, because I thought I had been following God all along. I read through Job and thought about all that was taken from him in a short period of time, and for the first time in my life I could actually relate to what it meant to have multiple things ripped from my life suddenly. I've been hurt and mad, but I've had to stop and remember that God doesn't deserve my wrath. I've had to repeatedly tell myself, "Even if it NEVER gets better and even if life is NEVER as good as it was, will I allow myself to be taken over by bitterness and scorn God or will I get on my knees and pray that God would help me still praise Him if the storm never ends in this lifetime? Which will it be?". I've had people say the typical, "Oh you'll back and realize it made you stronger" or "Oh, you will look back and laugh and realize it wasn't that bad." God is a faithful God and he never forsakes us, BUT God never promises and easy life on Earth or that life won't be full of hurt. There is no guarantee that my life will ever get better or go back to the way it was, but that doesn't qualify me for a get-out-of-jail-free card to quit praising Jesus. Will I let the Devil win so easily?!
It's been a humbling few months, but it has brought me back to a place I prayed for God to bring me back to. I never even realized that until now, but I prayed for the past few years for Him to take me back to the days I had little material possessions but my heart yearned to make a difference. If I wasn't working then I was at church or out building relationships, instead of being holed up inside with my t.v. and air conditioned house. I could write a book on the woes of 2014, but the year started with my husband's car breaking down and us thinking the motor was shot, which if you don't know is really expensive to fix! Then within a week we had a minor fire in an electrical outlet and had to pay a few hundred to have an electrician fix some things. Then our dryer broke, and we had to buy a new dryer. To top it off, two of our dogs were fighting off recurrent nasty ear infections that cost us a pretty penny in vet bills. I didn't freak out too bad during that mess of a month, and God provided for us in that time in ways I didn't know was possible. I guess that was only a warm-up.
You've already heard about March Madness. No, not the basketball tournament, but my residency match that turned into residency not-match. It was an upset for sure and came as a complete surprise to my husband and I. This was the beginning of the real challenge. I hadn't been that depressed and defeated for some time. We secured a job for me, but Robert is still looking for a ministry position. We've been working on our house like crazy to sell it, and that's come with some ups and lots of downs. We had the refrigerator debacle of April, that turned into one broke fridge, that turned into paying a guy who couldn't fix it, that turned into buying one off Craiglist, that became the fridge that was doing exactly what our broken was doing- NOT WORKING, that then turned into buying a 3rd fridge off Craigslist. Multiple rounds of groceries ruined and some money spent, and the Strong's have a working brand new fridge that they got for a fraction of the price (because that's how the Lord operates!). I've had multiple melt-downs how we are possibly going to be able to get a house sold, projects paid for, move, and find Bob a job. God has shown me His provision during this time, and we've had some generous donations from our church family that I could never even begin to tell them how much we appreciate the way they take care of my family. Bob and I are a bit proud and we don't ask for help too often, but God knew what we needed and we were able to buy a working fridge because God spoke to a family that they were supposed to help us financially. I don't typically share about the gifts people give us, because I think it's a bit rude and also because our church family is ALWAYS giving to us so it'd take me all day to tell you every little thing. But seriously, that was such a God moment that when we got that gift I about burst into tears, and I'm not a cryer!
I've had a lot of moments of bitterness about getting rid of material possessions as well. I knew I would need to downsize for a 14 hr move and a smaller house, but I've also been getting rid of stuff to help financially for a move. Feeling forced to sell my possessions stirred up some madness and jealousy, because other people get to keep their nice things while I have to sell my used frugal furniture I waited years to buy. I love my crazy vintage stuff! Cleansing out my house and possessions, was fitting though because it caused me to cleanse my heart and pray to get rid of these feelings. It was spring cleaning in the ultimate sense!
I was finally becoming more open to the move and a new adventure, and then the worst news of this whole episode of madness occurred: my dad's cancer was back. My heart was a bit hardened to bad news at this point, so it took a day to set in. He had surgery back in the fall for melanoma in his lung, and the surgery went well and no further treatment was needed at the time. He has been doing follow-up and feeling good, so it was off my radar that the cancer would come back and so suddenly. He went for a follow-up scan and multiple metastasis were found in his liver and lungs. Bad news. He started immunotherapy the Monday after my graduation, and it went as well as could be expected and without side effects. In August he will have a repeat scan to see if the treatments are working. The prognosis isn't great, because, well, melanoma sucks a big bad butt. It's a very aggressive cancer that spreads silently and quickly, and it's resistant to most treatments. This news was really the punch in the gut after already feeling I had given up so much and being forced to move 14 hours away, and now I will be away from my family during my dad's treatments.
It's been a bit emotional, and I'll admit I don't like talking about some of it. I have numerous other dear friends currently going through battles of their own that have burdened my heart as well. God has faithfully provided support and encouragement through my family, friends, and church, and He has used people I'd never expect to send me the most uplifting notes that only He would know I needed to hear those words. God is that awesome. Like this beautiful flowers that are probably my most favorite I've ever received:
I know God has a plan for all of this that is greater than any plan I knew was possible, and I have to remind myself this during the moments it all just feels like a big stinking mess. I just have to keep faith, so I don't miss out on the greatness He has in store.
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