Break time

Do you ever have those days you just feel like you are failing? You aren't fulfilling a purpose and you're discouraged? Yeah, me too. It's how I feel today, and instead of moping I'm giving myself permission to take a break. So here you go, a funny story from my life as a resident for your reading pleasure. Grab a cup of coffee, a cookie, light your favorite candle, and TAKE A BREAK.

I preface with the disclaimer that I love little old ladies. Especially ladies in the church, because I think we often think of them as sweet, ole ladies who are soft spoken and well-behaved. This is mostly true, except, when it's not. Those little old ladies are feisty and spunky, and it's like their appearance is a disguise for the personality within. The other day one of the patients started telling us about her friend, Sugar who taught Sunday school with her. Sugar and Bunny taught together, and the kids loved it. The patient proceeds to tell us that being from a different generation she has to really watch what she says, because words don't always mean what they used to. She said, for example, when she was growing up everyone called cats the p word (except she said the word). She said one day she was teaching elementary Sunday school with Sugar and called a cat the p word, and Sugar pulled her aside and said, "Bunny, you can't use that word. It doesn't mean cat anymore." She chuckled and said she hasn't used that word since.  The room was rolling on the floor after that story.

That my friend, is your break time story. You're welcome!

Overwhelmed

I think I'm getting the hang of this doctor thing. Well, kind of. Most days I walk around smiling and nodding like I know what I'm talking about, but on the inside it's a whole another story. My smile masks the doubt, the insecurity, and the feeling of inadequacy to be a doctor. Forget being a GOOD doctor, most days I struggle with just thinking I can be a doctor, period. Then I have those moments of revelation that this is how every resident feels at one time, even if they don't admit it, and that's reassuring that I'm not a completely daft doctor. 

I struggle with the feelings of wanting to be a great doctor. I want to listen to my patients, reassure them, help them with their needs, and I desire to do that with the love of God shining through my work (sorry if that's too hokey for some of ya'll). In the short time I've been a resident, I have realized that this task is ENORMOUS. There is never enough time to give my patients endless attention, write my notes, research their treatment, and check-up on them throughout the day. The job seems impossible to do well. 

I've told myself I won't be like other doctors who are snappy and have terrible bedside manner. Nah, that won't be me. Then I had a snapping point the other night. It was a Friday and I had already left work, and then my senior resident called for help. I didn't tell her I left, instead I turned around and went back to the hospital to see a patient. It was 8pm and I'd been at the hospital since 6am, it was Friday, and I was tired and hungry. I was interviewing my patient, but of course it was one of those patients who rambles, has a complicated story, and it was taking forever. I've been working on tactfully redirecting my patients when interviews are going like this, so I was constantly re-directing her and asking questions to get a clear history. Then, all of sudden, about 20 minutes in, the patient's son who was a BIG guy starts yelling at me from the corner of the room to not cut the patient off. Oh man, I was like a dog on guard with my hairs on end. I instantly snapped I wasn't cutting her off. He then yelled at me that I indeed cut her off and had been doing it the entire interview. I snapped back that I wasn't cutting her off, I was trying to get a clear story and had to redirect her. He sat back down, but was clearly mad at me.

I was so mad and was telling my senior resident about this jerk who yelled at me, and although I did think he was out of line yelling at me, it hit me. I had to go apologize. Ugh, talk about humble pie. I went up to the patient' s room and asked for the son to come out in the hallway, and I apologized and said it was inappropriate. He said I didn't need to apologize, and he realizes I was trying to do my job. More was said, but in the end it was a good conversation, and we parted ways on good terms.

I tell this story, because I'm daily overwhelmed with feelings that I can't do the job in a manner that would glorify God. It's easy for me to say I won't make those mistakes that other doctors, but in reality I will make those mistakes because no one is perfect. It's going to happen to have 15 hour days on 5 hours of sleep when I'm grumpy and just want to go home. This encounter reminded me that God will be glorified even through my inadequacies if I swallow my pride.

It doesn't matter what your job is, because guaranteed there will be days you feel overwhelmed and inadequate to do the job in a way that glorifies God. These feelings don't disqualify you from the job. Embrace your calling and the skills God has equipped you with to do the job. You will make mistakes, but acknowledge them with humility and move on. I'm not good at admitting I'm wrong, and it would have been really easy to blame things on my patient's son, but I can tell you apologizing to him was the reminder I needed that God has set my course apart from others. Through the craziness He has equipped me to be a doctor, and not just any doctor, but a good doctor who shines Jesus to my patients and co-workers. 

Shadowfeet

"Walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet
towards home, a land that I've never seen
I am changing; less and less asleep
made of different stuff than when I began
And I've sensed it all along
fast approaching is the day...

There's distraction buzzing in my head
Saying in the shadows it's easier to stay
but I've heard rumors of true reality
whispers of a well-lit way

You make all things new." 'Shadowfeet' Brooke Fraser


I often quote lyrics on here, because I love the way Christian music can speak the words and truth of the Bible to me in a memorable way. This song has been my anthem of the month, or something of the sorts. I love what the lyrics speak to me about my current situation and also remind of where I have been. It's beautiful!

God is repeatedly speaking to my heart and teaching me the same lessons I've learned before (Not his fault. I'm hard headed and I never learn the first time) and taking me a bit deeper each time. The journey is painful, but I can't imagine still living with my insecurities dictating every move I made. It's embarrassing me for think of some of the stuff I did or the way I treated others in my younger days.

I cringe. I get nauseous.  I panic a bit when one of those memories unearths itself and I wish everyone in the world would magically forget all my missteps. God then intercedes and reminds me He HAS DONE JUST THAT!

Thank you, Jesus.

I am humbled by Savior who uses me, my mess and all, to serve His Kingdom. He picks me up and breaths life into my soul to erase the shame and guilt from my imperfections.

I grew up in a Christian home, so I can't say there is a time where I didn't believe in Jesus, but I can say there was a period where I didn't live like I knew a thing about Him. I remember God tugging on my heart and speaking 'Whispers of a well-lit way,' but it took a long time for me to respond. When those whispers grew to shouts, and I could not longer ignore them, I can remember the feeling of utter humility and the desire to be completely authentic to people for the first time ever. I didn't care what they thought, but I just had to share my pain and my thoughts, my sin and my missteps, and that was my way of letting go.

I continue to 'stumble on these shadowfeet,' and God is again humbling me and reminding me to not let my insecurities rule my life: One of those lessons I don't think I'll ever learn. I'm in one of those periods of life again, where I have been stripped of what I thought defined my life, and God has taken me to the bare minimum. A time for just me and Him. A sweet yet painful time to rely on Him, to be refined, and to be authentic with others. Because, in reality, this is what should define me anyways.

I write this to remind any of you ladies struggling with your journey to take heart and be reminded of the One who loves you. You can come to Him now, no matter what is going on in your life, and He will take you, mess and all. He loves you just like that and will help you become so much more, because He makes all things new.

Oh, Autumn, How I Love Thee!

It's that time of year again. The wonderful, beautiful season called autumn. I don't know when it became my favorite season. Maybe it was in college when I was sick of training for track in the August heat. It could have been in St. Louis, when I enjoyed my jogs in the cool evenings at Forest Park. I can't say with certainty when it started, but I do know when the weather starts to cool and the leaves start to change my heart starts to pitter-patter.

I enjoy all of the seasons because they each hold something new and unique to those few months, but none of them make me feel nostalgic like fall does. Without fail, at the end of every August my mouth starts craving the flavors of fall, my mood starts itching to put on jeans and boots, and my heart starts yearning to make new memories and relive the old ones. I want to put on my uniform and make a few spectacular catches in the outfield. I want to put on my running tights and tennis shoes and go run some hills with the girls. I want to sit at home on the weekends and drink iced cold coke and eat my dad's chili while my family watches football and I study in my room. I miss eating my mom's applesauce and going out shopping with her on my visits home. I miss the days of driving to my family's orchard and eating apples and drinking cider to my heart's content. My heat smiles thinking of the days of drinking cider with Brooke and watching Everwood before heading to Icthus. I think of the times spent with my pumpkin-loving friend Beth cooking in her kitchen and getting her sage advice about life and relationships. Fall makes me think of KC and driving around to orchards, antiquing in Lexington, baking in my seafoam colored kitchen, drinking coffee with my Burlap ladies, cooking with Rachel in her 100 year old house, and drinking lattes with Jenna while we study together at Panera.

Autumn is a time life slows down and I spend more time with the ones I love. I'm sentimental any season, but fall brings out the real sap in me. I've been pondering about life lately, and my thoughts of the season reminded me how much I love routine and certainty. I used to say I couldn't wait to leave home and I dreamed of traveling and being a missionary, but in reality I'm much more of a homebody than I realized. I don't like surprises and change, so a few days away from home, and I'm ready to come back. I get ideas of what I want my life to look like, but really as long as I have my family and friends that's when I am happy. It doesn't matter if I live in a the city or the suburbs, or if I have a house or an apartment, or if my house is perfectly decorated or pieced together with hand-me-downs, or if my job is fulfilling or dreadful to face. Life is empty without relationships and the memories they leave behind.

I don't know if I've taken advantage of my life and the people around me. Maybe I didn't appreciate what I had and the opportunities I was given to build relationships and love on people. I don't know what brought me to the season of life I am in now, but I know I couldn't face it without my husband, family, friends, and dogs (he-he). I've been savoring my moments with Robert here. I get to come home to homemade meals, end the day laughing at our dogs, and spend the weekend in my pajamas cooking and drinking coffee with Robert and re-charging for the week. It's the first time since we have been married that we have only had each other, and it's been quite nice! These are new memories to think back fondly on next fall, and my heart will want to recreate the feelings of thankfulness I have right now doing the little things with the one I love.

Does Anybody See?

Today, I tried out a new church. I have been attending a larger church in town, and after 4-5 times attending and having only one person come have a conversation with me I then decided it was time to find a friendlier crowd. It has been a humbling past few months with nights of loneliness and doubt. I am a relational person who loves to spend time with people, so to have no one but God and dogs has been an adjustment. My eyes have been opened again to what it is like to be a 'single' person in a new place sitting in the back of a church and desiring for friendships, but to have no one but my new friend 70 something old Dorothy talk to me. It reminds me of lyrics from the Casting Crowns song, "Does Anybody Hear Her,":
       "Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
       Or does anybody even know she's going down today,
       Under the shadow of our steeple,
       With all the lost and lonely people,
       Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me,
       Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?"

It is humbling to be a pastor's wife to be in this position, because I have been nestled away in a loving church where it is a rare occurrence to have a visitor who is not approached by at least one person for conversation. I have not felt that twinge of loneliness of the single life in quite a few years, but I am taking it as a reminder to be involved in the lives of the people around me even if it's uncomfortable.

How many times have you missed the mark of Luke 10:27, to love your neighbor as yourself? When we are wrapped up in ourselves and content with complacency, then we miss out on the bigger picture. Even though it was frustrating for me to sit in a church for over a month and not make a friend, it actually made me more sad for the church members who missed an opportunity. They missed the chance to hear a story, to share the burden, and to fulfill the great commission to a saint in need. Our job doesn't end when a person is saved, but our journey with them is just beginning. The saved also experience loneliness, depression, defeat, and self doubt. The courteous smile and handshake aren't enough to fulfill God's commandment of love. If that's your idea of living out the Great Commission, then please pick up your Bible and pray for your eyes to be opened and your heart to burdened for the lives around you. I don't speak this out of living this out perfectly, because I do not live this out everyday, let alone every Sunday. It's a challenge to myself as well to not let my self-pity restrict my ministry.

I love relationships and friendships, but the biggest sin in my life is picking and choosing who I minister to, and shutting out the hard to love or those I have differences with. If I feel wronged by you or offended by you, then I have it made up in my mind that you aren't going to ever change and you aren't worthy of my time. Man, what a shameful and sinful mindset about God's people. I wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of that kind of treatment, so God has repeatedly shown me the dirtiness of my own heart towards others and challenged me to do better. He has humbled me to reach out and mend relationships that I would otherwise let fall to the way side.

God has called us to live life with one another, and that means through the thick and thin. I don't think there is anything more beautiful than watching a church overcome obstacles, and healing hurts and relationships to come out stronger on the other side. Relationships are messy and imperfect, but that doesn't excuse us from maintaining them and cultivating healing when it is needed. God has called each of us from our pew to meet people and love people. Challenge yourself to leave your usual seat in church and sit somewhere different. See the new faces and reach out to them, because you never know what burden they brought through the church doors or the hurt they are hoping someone will help them bear. Don't just reach out to the new people, but really get to know that family in your church you just could never understand. Make new efforts to live intentionally in your church and community.

My time in the new church was refreshing. I had numerous people introduce themselves to me, ask me a bit about myself, and even exchange phone numbers with me to call if I need anything. The music minister's wife invited me to lunch and I got to share a bit of my currently crazy life with her. They bought my lunch, and we have plans to get together this week. They have NO idea how much I needed that, to have a friendship down here and be made a part of their day. Just because I am a pastor's wife and established Christian, it doesn't mean I am never in need of tending, so imagine all the more the needs of the people you meet in your daily life who don't have the hope of Christ. Know there are hidden hurts in the Christians in your congregation- the loneliness of the single life, the hurt of divorce, the grief of a widow, etc, and meet people in the midst of their needs and help them through it. If you are hurting, then find a good Church home and let them carry you through. Let Christ be our guide, and let's live out our faith to the fullest extent.

Will Work for...

Have you ever felt like God "called" you to do something particular with your life? You know, like a man is called to be a pastor or in my case I felt "called" to be  doctor. No, God didn't dial down from Heaven and verbally tell me to be a doctor, but through a course of years of prayer, questioning, and discernment I jumped on board with what I felt God told me was the calling of my life. I didn't understand why He chose me and I had no idea how I would get there or what my life would eventually look like, but I began to pursue this calling. There have been trials along the way, especially lately, that have made me question my life's purpose. I have been discouraged that I'm not fulfilling God's desire for my life and feel like I'm wasting time not reaching people like I am supposed. It really got me thinking the last few days what it means when a Christian says he/she is called.

I absolutely believe that God puts desires and directions in our hearts that are unique for each person, but I've been wondering the past few days if we make too big a deal out of our "calling." Is this an American Christian practice, or have Christians always felt like there was one job they were meant to do their entire lives and anything less is a waste? I don't have an answer to that yet, but I do plan to research it. I just notice so many of us, myself included, complain we aren't fulfilling our calling. "We aren't doing anything that's Kingdom worthy." "We aren't fulfilled by our work." "We are just DONE with these stupid jobs." We aren't paid enough, appreciated enough, leading people to Christ everyday, impacting the World every day so apparently what we are doing isn't important. It's our attitude we carry daily into work, which I believe trickles down into our personal relationships, our physical well being, and relationship with the Lord. If we aren't doing that one thing, then by golly our life is meaningless!

It's been on my heart that this is false. I don't think 100% of our life is spent feeling fulfilled and rewarded, because there are detours along the way. Maybe you questioned your abilities to perform the job at hand, so you end up at some other job that you aren't good at and you're miserable. You realize your mistake, but God takes the time in that job to teach you trust and patience. Maybe God allowed the Devil to try to separate you from Him, by taking you from your dream career like he did Job. You are stuck working at a job you hate or maybe you no longer have work. You feel like a failure, but God is using this time to strengthen your belief in Him and truly teach you what it means to praise Him in the storm. Maybe you just don't have a clear picture of what you are supposed to do, and it feels like everyone else around you is succeeding and changing the world and you're left in their dust. You are discouraged that your time will never come, but God is teaching you perseverance and how to seek Him. Maybe, just maybe, God has called you to an unglamorous profession where you are undervalued, taken advantage of, overworked, under- payed, and mentally exhausted. It's EXACTLY what He's called you to do, but you just want another door to open. Only, you don't know how good you have it. Your bills are paid and your family is cared for, but you just want to feel appreciated for what you do.

The thing is, no matter your situation, God has a purpose. It doesn't mean our spiritual calling is full of adventure and glamour. We all can't be missionaries to foreign lands or visionaries to save orphans and the oppressed. We aren't all going to be preachers or gifted at personally leading many to Christ. Maybe you are the seed sower who is effecting the people around you and you will NEVER even know it. Your time in a what seems menial job is refining your relationships with God, and your spirit of hard work, encouragement, and faith are a testament to your co-workers in ways they may never tell you. They know there is something different about you, and God is using your placement to change just one person. Isn't that alone worth the trials of the job?

According to Genesis 3:17 "...The ground is cursed because of you. You will eat from it by means of painful labor all the days of your life..."  It seems we in America forget that work will be hard and not always make us feel like warm and fuzzy inside. I forget this over and over again. Instead of being thankful for work, I'm instead complaining about my job for various reasons. All of this reminded me of what we are all 'called' to do: "And he answered, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself.” Luke 10:27. Therefore, no matter our job we can fulfill the most important calling: We can love God and we can love others. It's that simple. 

A Revelation is My Cry

"All I want, All I need
More of You, Less of me
Take this life, Lord it's Yours
Have my heart, Have it all," Hillsong 'To be Like You.'


"Now nothing is holding me back from you
Redeemer of my soul
Now nothing can hold me back from you
Your love will never let me go," Torwalts 'Nothing Holding me Back."

"I need You
To soften my heart and break me apart
I need You
To open my eyes, to see that You're shaping my life
All I am, I surrender
Give me faith to trust what You say,
That You're good and Your love is great
I'm broken inside, I give You my life," Elevation Worship 'Give me Faith.'

"I will not fight You
Take me past the line that my heart draws
I will not fight You
Take me beyond the laziness of my thoughts
I will not fight
Lead me further than I've gone before
I will not fight You
I'm abandoned to Your call," Rend Collective 'Broken Bread.'
The last 3 weeks have been exhausting emotionally. I've been alone for 2 weeks in a new city where I don't know anyone and I'm 18 hours away from my family and friends. I thought I would get clarity once I got down here. Alas, that hasn't happened. It's brought me back to that place where all I have left is God and that's the only comfort I've had besides dog kisses. I prayed I'd be made vulnerable and be back at that place where it was only God and I, and that's exactly what I got just not how I thought it would happen. You know, we pray for things from God, but if you're like me your mind has it made up how that should happen and what the exact game plan should be. Oh, the hilarity to think God would follow MY game plan!

What kind of physician should I be God? I prayed this for two years as I struggled to find the passion and excitement that I thought I'd have after sitting for two years in the classroom. It is a battle that I've still been fighting, and I wonder if I made the wrong decision. Did I work so long in vain? My mind has been so confused! One minute I'm excited about one idea of what my practice could look like, and the next I'm in despair thinking what a dumb idea that would be. I've prayed for discernment, but I look back and I feel like I've had mixed signals from God. Go here, do this! Oh, or you'd be good at this! Feelings? Mixed signals? Is this how the God of the Universe operates? Absolutely not! It's been discouraging, because my friends and classmates seem to have clear paths and callings that they are so excited to follow and I've felt behind the curb. My time down here has been spent praying, crying, and feeling like I'm stuck in a huge hole that there is not end in sight to. Our house hasn't sold, no church has called for Robert, and my heart feels like it was left back in Missouri. People tell me God didn't bring us down here to drop us and leave us hanging, but that's exactly how I've felt. 

I know we aren't guaranteed easiness as Christians, and though my pain is real I have to keep my life in perspective and that others are suffering much worse. There's one lesson I've learned down here in two weeks: perspective. I cried and whined for a couple of years while I was in KC that it didn't feel like home, and just when I made it home it got ripped away from me. I desperately miss my church family. I knew that my heart had finally opened up and let them in and that I loved them a lot, but man I didn't realize how much they mean to me! Then there's the missing my husband part of the equation. I think I appreciated him, but I often let little things get to me and I didn't respect him like a wife should respect her husband. While I don't feel it's fair we have to be apart for an undetermined amount of time, I trust that God has a plan and is refining our relationship to be better than ever when we are together again. If the military wives can do it, then I can, right?! All of this has brought to my attention that I need to treasure things while I have them, because nothing lasts forever. 

God also revealed to me that I am learning to put into practice what I preach as a physician. If you know me, then you know I love discussing mental health and approaching it holistically. The last 3 weeks I've hit a bought of depression. You know, the eat one meal a day-lay in bed all day-cry at the drop a hat with those uncontrollable sobs that come from deep down in your soul-questionable hygiene-can't fall asleep kind of depression. I know this and recognize that I'm unhappy. Am I depressed? Yes, sure. Do I need to go on anti-depressants? No. It's situational, and at some point the situation will get some resolution. I can combat it with prayer and reading the Bible, which should be my number one (I'm getting there). I can call a friend when I feel alone. I can force myself to sit in the sun and get my daily dose of vitamin D to get my happy neurotransmitters a-flowing. I can put on stinky yoga pants (I didn't have a washer for 3 weeks....:) ) and I can do some yoga outside while my dogs play or I can blast some Christian music and go run by the ocean. God spoke to my soul today about what he's teaching me through this that I can use to reach my patients. 

God also reminded me that there are things that I love in medicine, and even though I've felt lesser of a physician for liking certain aspects of medicine that are looked down on by many others, if that's what He's called me to do there's nothing little about it! Wow, it seems so small and obvious but it was a revelation to my heart! I don't know what it means, but I do know I do not like feeling like my life isn't aligned with God's purpose for me. I've been reading 1 Samuel and I realized that my life is a bit like the Israelites when they panicked and begged Samuel for a King. It wasn't God's plan and they didn't listen to Samuel's warnings, so instead of having what God intended for them they got something flawed. I didn't listen to God is what it comes down to. It seems that somewhere along the way through the stress and pressures of medical school that I lost my way and let the world dictate my direction and not let God. I didn't mean to and I thought I was seeking Him, but I think I forgot some of the whispers to my heart He gave me throughout the way and let the opinions of others and the inadequacy of my heart lead the way. Sheesh, will I ever learn? I pray God continues to speak to me and show me the way in the next few weeks and months and that my mind would discern with clarity what my purpose is in medicine. I pray that God will have sole leadership of my heart and that wherever He directs me I follow no matter how hard the course will be. I pray I won't stress, panic, or worry that God won't reveal His plan to me, and that my heart will be still and wait for His perfect timing.