Overwhelmed

I think I'm getting the hang of this doctor thing. Well, kind of. Most days I walk around smiling and nodding like I know what I'm talking about, but on the inside it's a whole another story. My smile masks the doubt, the insecurity, and the feeling of inadequacy to be a doctor. Forget being a GOOD doctor, most days I struggle with just thinking I can be a doctor, period. Then I have those moments of revelation that this is how every resident feels at one time, even if they don't admit it, and that's reassuring that I'm not a completely daft doctor. 

I struggle with the feelings of wanting to be a great doctor. I want to listen to my patients, reassure them, help them with their needs, and I desire to do that with the love of God shining through my work (sorry if that's too hokey for some of ya'll). In the short time I've been a resident, I have realized that this task is ENORMOUS. There is never enough time to give my patients endless attention, write my notes, research their treatment, and check-up on them throughout the day. The job seems impossible to do well. 

I've told myself I won't be like other doctors who are snappy and have terrible bedside manner. Nah, that won't be me. Then I had a snapping point the other night. It was a Friday and I had already left work, and then my senior resident called for help. I didn't tell her I left, instead I turned around and went back to the hospital to see a patient. It was 8pm and I'd been at the hospital since 6am, it was Friday, and I was tired and hungry. I was interviewing my patient, but of course it was one of those patients who rambles, has a complicated story, and it was taking forever. I've been working on tactfully redirecting my patients when interviews are going like this, so I was constantly re-directing her and asking questions to get a clear history. Then, all of sudden, about 20 minutes in, the patient's son who was a BIG guy starts yelling at me from the corner of the room to not cut the patient off. Oh man, I was like a dog on guard with my hairs on end. I instantly snapped I wasn't cutting her off. He then yelled at me that I indeed cut her off and had been doing it the entire interview. I snapped back that I wasn't cutting her off, I was trying to get a clear story and had to redirect her. He sat back down, but was clearly mad at me.

I was so mad and was telling my senior resident about this jerk who yelled at me, and although I did think he was out of line yelling at me, it hit me. I had to go apologize. Ugh, talk about humble pie. I went up to the patient' s room and asked for the son to come out in the hallway, and I apologized and said it was inappropriate. He said I didn't need to apologize, and he realizes I was trying to do my job. More was said, but in the end it was a good conversation, and we parted ways on good terms.

I tell this story, because I'm daily overwhelmed with feelings that I can't do the job in a manner that would glorify God. It's easy for me to say I won't make those mistakes that other doctors, but in reality I will make those mistakes because no one is perfect. It's going to happen to have 15 hour days on 5 hours of sleep when I'm grumpy and just want to go home. This encounter reminded me that God will be glorified even through my inadequacies if I swallow my pride.

It doesn't matter what your job is, because guaranteed there will be days you feel overwhelmed and inadequate to do the job in a way that glorifies God. These feelings don't disqualify you from the job. Embrace your calling and the skills God has equipped you with to do the job. You will make mistakes, but acknowledge them with humility and move on. I'm not good at admitting I'm wrong, and it would have been really easy to blame things on my patient's son, but I can tell you apologizing to him was the reminder I needed that God has set my course apart from others. Through the craziness He has equipped me to be a doctor, and not just any doctor, but a good doctor who shines Jesus to my patients and co-workers.