Part Two: What now?

The young doctor got to her school and her SOAP week began. Here's a little bit about SOAP or "the scramble" process: For students who don't match to a program, they go through a 4 day process called supplemental application. During this time they get a list of unfilled programs and can apply to 45 programs. Programs can call applicants that look good on paper and phone or skype interview them. Wednesday and Thurday then consist of rounds of matching. The applicant can receive multiple offers in a round and they have 2, yes TWO, hours to say yes or no, and that reply is a legally binding offer. At no point can they initiate contact with a program or have someone do so on their behalf, so this whole process is based off a computer application. Then, at the end of the rounds on Thursday students that are left unmatched still can contact any remaining programs. As an Osteopathic student you can also get a list of unfilled programs from their match (yes, they have a separate match a month before this allopathic-MD- match). Then basically programs can call you, they typically talk to you a few minutes, and then make an offer right then. You only have a few minutes to hours to make a decision, or they will move on to other applicants.

Okay, now that you know the basics, back to the original story: The medical student acquired a list of programs in pediatrics, psychiatry, internal medicine-pediatrics dual residency, peds-psych-child psych triple board, family medicine, and traditional one year internship. Her husband met her at the school and they began forming a list of programs that would be near churches and seminaries for him. She sent in applications Monday night, and got a call from a peds-psych-child psych program that was her number one choice! She was ecstatic, and the conversation went well and led to an offer for a Skype interview the next day. She ended a crazy day feeling hopeful that this program was meant just for her. Her spirits were also lifted by the support of her friends Heidi and Will who fed her and the husband and listened to their newest life complication.

Tuesday: She got 2 calls from internal medicine-pediatrics dual board residency programs and 1 from a psychiatry program. The hope remained, because she felt good her application stood out for calls. The Skype interview didn't go great, and she felt she didn't make a connection with the doctor interviewing her. Her spirits dropped, and she got done with the interview and had her first tearful breakdown feeling no one would hire her. Interviews terrify her, and she finds bragging about herself and kissing butt about each program a really painful process. She tried to keep her chin up, because one program had told her how great a applicant she was with good grades and test scores so she felt competitive. Tuesday ended with feeling okay, because the rounds would begin the next morning and she had a few calls. Her fingers were crossed and prayers were said for a good turnout. She was lucky for her friend Megan who brought homemade macaroni over for dinner, or else she wouldn't have eaten that day.

Wednesday: The young doctor didn't get anymore calls that morning, but she had sent up follow-up emails with the programs that had already contacted her. She then waited until 11am for round one. Up popped the results; You do not have any offers this round.This led to breakdown number 2, but she remained in front of the computer staring at the screen for 3 hours until round 2, the last round of the day. Again, no offers. Tears flooded her eyes, and she decided to head to campus before the period ended where she could apply to programs. She thought surely the adviser for Match could help her make a game plan. She got there and no one was to be seen in the conference room that was supposed to be set up to help. When she found him in his office, he was chit chatting with another student about a non urgent issue and the student had 1 hour before her finalized applications were due. 10 minutes of waiting and he moseyed out to help her. FINALLY. She vented a bit about feeling like a strong applicant, but not getting any offers. He tried telling her it's just competitive, but he didn't offer much reassurance. He set her up with a computer, and left the room. Yes, sir! He left the room and came back 30 minutes later AFTER her list was already due. So much for getting advice on programs to apply to. She headed to her friends house, Rachel, who fed her and encouraged her that God would provide. She then went home and told her husband how the past 4 years of working hard was for nothing. The time was wasted, and she had no idea why after all this time God would just let His plans for her fall through. She laid in bed in the dark at 6pm for hours just staring into space wondering why she was going through this and what would happen with her future. Her appetite was zilch, and she alternated between crying and staring, staring and crying. It was a rough night and no sleep occurred.

Thursday: She woke up bright and early after laying in bed in emotional misery all night. Her plan was to head to campus and talk to someone new, because she was fairly certain she wasn't going to match that morning, which meant a new process to obtain a position. When she got to campus, the man she wanted to see was gone to a convention, so his secretary tried to help her. She offered to get the man the young doctor had spoken to the day before, but she requested it be someone different. Come to find out it didn't matter because he had taken off Thursday and Friday for vacation! This meant the two men in charge of helping people who didn't match were gone during Match week! The student was infuriated and started panicking. The secretary attempted to calm her, and then in walked the school president. He was helpful and listened to the student's concerns, and agreed she needed to speak with someone to develop a game plan to help her get to her goal of peds. He went and got the dean.... This led to a 20 minutes of unfruitful, snarky remarks from him... in short he told her, and I quote, "Well you didn't play the match smart, You should have applied to more programs in more cities." to which she replied, "Okay, and there's nothing I can do about that now." to which he said rudely, "Okay, fine, yeah enough said about that." He then advised the young student that she should just big a position, the first one that makes an offer no matter what specialty, because she needs a job. She tried to express her concern that she didn't want to be picky, but she did have goals and didn't just want to say yes to the first program. His reply "Well you didn't play the match right and now you are paying the repercussions, so yeah you can't be picky. just pick a place. You'll find I'm very up front with people." The young doctor was furious this was advice she got after paying hundreds of thousands of dollars to this school, and thought the guy was a real....insert explative. The dean then proceeded to get on his phone and call a program without asking in INTERNAL MEDICINE- a specialty she didn't care for. He told her to call the program, and keep him updated, and that was the end of the awesome advice. When the rounds concluded at 4pm that day, she could then begin calling and emailing her resume to any and every residency with an open position. Basically nothing was open in the MD (allopathic) world, so she contacted DO (osteopathic programs). She did have a lead there might be spots opening up in peds at a hospital in MO, so she called and was told no positions would open. Her dreams suddenly came crashing down, but she tried persevering. She emailed and called until 2am. She got one call that night from a psych program in Miami, but felt that was not the place for her.

Friday: Calls started coming in at 6am for psych and family medicine osteopathic programs. She got quite a few offers, but was still hesitant because she felt in her gut she was supposed to be doing peds. But by 12pm she had an offer from Corpus Christi, TX and was told if she didn't call back within a few minutes the position could be gone later in the day. She verbally accepted and was happy to have a job, but crushed she'd be moving 15 hours away for a specialty she didn't feel called for. A few hours later she found out in deed the pediatric positions would open, so then she felt trapped. Did she just throw away her one opportunity? She decided to forget it. Her husband took her out on a double date and they celebrated the new job, although they were both sad about the outcome.

Saturday: She wrestled with sending an email to the peds program, just to check it out. She finally did that night, and heard back Monday that they still weren't sure they would have spots. The doctor felt she must fight with all her might until God clearly closes the door. She had doctors call the program the next day, but received an email they kept with their rank list and didn't interview anyone else. It was final that TX would be her future home.



That's my crazy story in short, but honestly no words could describe the emotions I felt the past two weeks. I felt anger and betrayal that I had prayed for direction and felt peace about it, but that pediatrics got yanked from me. Not only that, I didn't even get my second choice of psychiatry. I question why God had given me the gifts, the visions, the heart for these specialties, but then placed me somewhere else. The harder pill to swallow has been not only a specialty I felt wasn't my calling, but to have me move 15hrs away, leave my husband and dogs for who knows how long, and live away from home. I was just getting my house settled and finally feeling like the KC area was home, and then BAM, nope sorry, you have to move AGAIN. It makes me SO mad. The pieces don't seem to fit as to why this whole process is happening to our family. My husband has a church that is thriving, a job as a pastor he LOVES, and a seminary program he is knee deep in Biblical languages. It's like seriously, why are BOTH of us being ripped from what we feel God called us to do?!?! It's been disheartening, and it feels like I'm moving through life in a fog. I'm utterly humiliated that I repeatedly got turned down, and that programs didn't like me for whatever reason. Of course, then there is the trusty, "God's got plans, you'll see." or the "Something will open up, just have faith." or "Can't you just call the hospitals around here and find a job." No actually, that door has been slammed shut so hard in my face that no in fact I can't just find any ole' job here and my faith tank is running on fumes people! I've had my good moments this week thanks to my husband cheering me up and drowning my pain in tubs of buttered movie popcorn and candy, but I've also had those quiet moments where I feel abandoned by God. I see my classmates who matched to places they are so excited about it, but I can barely fathom that in 1.5months I won't even live in my house or see my husband. My excitement, is well, none.

Tonight, I decided to start reading Job. No, I don't think my job crisis is the equivalent of becoming diseased, losing all family, and losing all wealth, but I knew I needed a reminder that sometimes things happen because Satan is trying to distract God's fruitful workers. In my study Bible intro to Job it states, "Among God's creatures there is the great adversary. Incapable of contending with God hand to hand, power pitted against power, he is bent on frustrating God's creation enterprise centered on God's relationship with the creature that bears his image. As tempter he seeks to alienate humans from God; as accuser he seeks to alienate God from humans. His all-consuming purpose is to drive an irremovable wedge between God and humans to effect an alienation that cannot be reconciled." This reminded me of Satan's attempt to crush us when we are making big moves for God. My goal is to remember this week that God is still God, and He will help us through even if it doesn't feel like it right now. Easier said than done. I will leave you with a song I've had on repeat all night:

"I've made a place for you hear, so come on, come on, All things are possible, so come on, come on." 

I love this phrase. I need to make a place for God in my heart, and allow Him to work. Prayers for me as I try to do this!

Matchmaker, matchmaker, Make me a Match

Well my, oh my, how things have changed since I last wrote. My world has been turned over, shaken up, and completely changed in a matter of 1.5 weeks. How do I even start with explaining what happened? I guess we will start at the beginning:

Once upon a time there was a medical student named Hannah who was in the midst of her 3rd and 4th years of medical school. She would battle the evils of illness and injury alongside a different doctor each month. People would ask her, "Are you a doctor yet?" or "So you're going to be a nurse?" or "So are you still in the classroom?" or "So you're an intern? Or are you a resident? By the way, what's the difference?" She'd answer these questions the best she could, but it was hard for people to understand the process of medical school training. Many people thought she would be a great pediatrician, because she loved kids and always had a baby in her hands. When she started school she thought the same thing, but as clinicals went on she became more confused. She developed a passion for mental health and seemed to have a real knack for connecting with that patient population, so then she thought about psychiatry. She wasn't enjoying family medicine much, until early in her fourth year when she rotated with an older doctor in Oak Grove who drank coffee with his longtime patients, could treat almost any illness, and who clearly loved his job. She became really confused and started praying to God that He would shine some light on her future path.

Around this same time period of her clinicals, her husband's ministry at a local church was thriving and the church was growing exponentially. Many baptisms were performed, and the pews were filling up on Sunday mornings. Change was happening and it was an exciting time for the church. A vote took place to build an addition, but this was a big venture for the church and they required a lot of trust and leadership from their pastor. He and his wife prayed for direction and verbally committed to the church that they were in it for the long haul and would not leave the church anytime soon. For the wife this meant that she was committing to stay in Kansas City for her residency program after medical school, but she trusted it would all work out.

Through the summer and fall of her 4th year of medical school, the young student doctor began applying to programs in KC for residency. She was still confused on direction, but she also knew limiting herself to one city meant the smartest thing to do was apply to different specialties so that she was applying to enough programs. For a reference, the typical medical student picks one specialty and applies all over the country to AT LEAST 20 programs. She knew it was risky, but she trusted God would take care of her since He called her family to stay in KC. She applied to 4 programs in KC, 1 peds, 1 psych, and 2 family medicine programs. Although there were a few more programs she could have applied to to increase the number and chances of matching, she decided against it because she had heard about the programs and just wasn't impressed and decided they weren't even worth applying to. The interview season began and all 4 programs interviewed her. They went okay, although programs did seem to dislike her strategy to apply only in KC to multiple specialties. Where the student really thrived was on her rotations at 3 of the 4 of these programs. She worked hard, got along with residents, wrote great notes, and the faculty seemed to like her work ethic. She truly believed this would help her win a spot in KC.

She was still struggling with what she would rank as her first choice. She prayed up until applications were due in February for what God wanted her to pursue. None of the programs felt right to her. One she just didn't like, although the people and faculty were nice it didn't seem like a good fit. Another was busy and she learned a lot and performed well, but again she didn't feel a strong bond with the residents. She thought she'd be fine if she matched there, but she didn't think it would be her top choice. The third hospital she didn't get to do a rotation at, but her interviews went well and she felt okay. When she left that interview day, she wasn't wowed and felt like the program was lacking in important areas. She also did not have any sort of bond with the current residents. She got asked in the interview if she would be able to come to social events since she was married and her husband was busy, and that didn't settle well with her but she shrugged it off and figured she'd cross that bridge when it came. The final program was huge, prestigious, and VERY busy. She felt like she was a rockstar during her time there, and was told by faculty they'd love to have her, the residents gave her great feedback and said they'd rank her high, and she even got a pat on the back during a residency meeting for handling the patient's well. She left the rotation thinking she did great, but during her time there she sensed the residents were short with one another and seemed too stressed to be cordial half of the time. She left her last day saying she had a good time there, but wouldn't be upset if she didn't ever come back there. Where did this leave the young doctor when these are her only choices? It left her with prayer and asking God for direction.

She prayed and prayed in December, January, and February, and finally in February through prayer and advisement by an amazing doctor she felt the call to pediatrics. She loved children and dreamed of specializing in behavior and devlopment or child abuse and neglect to serve foster and adopted children and their families. It seemed like a great combination of pediatrics and psychiatry! The children's hospital was her top choice, followed by the rest and she felt 100% peace about the decision. She typically was a worrier and stewed over the outcome, but during the month of waiting she felt confident in decision and told her friends and husband she had zero worry about matching in KC. Her resume was good, she had good clinicals, and the interviews went okay so she trusted God to match her.

Many of you may be wondering what the heck is Match week? Well, IT'S ONLY THE MOST IMPORTANT PERIOD IN A MEDICAL SCHOOL STUDENT'S CAREER! In short, you send a rank listed of the most desired to least desired programs you'd like and each program does this for the people they interview, and then some computer system takes a few minutes and matches or doesn't match you to a program. It's a bit more complicated than that, but if you aren't ranked high enough on any list you won't match. The Friday before Match week you get an email telling you instructions for the case you wouldn't match. The young student laughed and said I'm not worried at all, because God has given me a peace I'll match. Again, this is weird for worry-wart student.

Monday March 17 rolled around and she was casually checking her email when she got an email about the match. She read it at work and her eyes couldn't believe the words, " We are sorry you didn't match to any program." She was SO confused and bolted out of work to head to school. Her immediate reaction was anger, how could these programs not rank me high enough?! IT MUST BE A MISTAKE! She zoomed to school and found the list of unfilled programs, and her scramble week began. To be continued....

God is Enough

My mind has been filled with thought about the evilness and badness that exists in our world. I've noticed that over the years I've become much more emotion filled when I think of crap that happens in our world. Abused children with broken bones, bruises, burns, empty bellies, and hurting hearts. Countries full of war where women are brutally raped, children are starving, and the sound of bombs and bullets are a daily occurrence.  A worldwide market of children and women enslaved to serve the perverse fantasies of adult men. You can't drive down I-70 without seeing signs for "gentleman's clubs" and "adult stores," all so some sleezy men can pull over for some cheap thrills at someone else's expense. There are daily news reports of people torturing animals- starving them, chaining them in the heat and cold, and leaving them to die.

There are days I think my heart may literally break, because of stories like these. It's often hard for me to fathom why I have it so good, while others are in a daily hell. My heart aches when I hear of children who it seems never even had a chance- born into poverty, abused, neglected, no resources, raped, etc. "GOD, WHY SPARE ME?" I cry out. The problems seem too big to ever go away. What could I possibly do to help?

I can look back at my childhood and see the way God was shaping my heart to care for these people. That's why he spared me! As a young girl, my parents taught me through example what it meant to serve others. My mom taught special ed, and I can see how her work ethic and heart to serve these kids made me want to do the same. I was the kid reading history books about the atrocities in Nazi Germany, and I thought Anne Frank was so brave. I can remember watching an episode of 20/20 with Hugh Downs and Barbara Walters about the orphanages in Romania that were full of cribs and babies who were never held. I remember thinking,"I'll go there! I'll hold all of those babies and love them." I was the girl that said I'm never having my own babies, instead I'm going to foster and adopt kids who need parents. These seemed liked insignificant events, but were really so important as God was shaping my heart to bear the burden to serve others.

I've been in a limbo the last 2 years trying to figure out how these passions to serve the hurting mesh with my medical career and where does God want me to serve. I still feel inadequate to be a doctor and go to these places that seem scary and dangerous. How will I be brave enough to do it? I've struggled with choosing between psychiatry and pediatrics, and after much prayer I'm pursuing pediatrics and praying I will match there in March. I often get strange looks when I tell people I love psychiatry, but I find it a field of people misunderstood and in need for healing and Jesus. My ultimate goal is to blend my love for mental illness and my love for kids and become a behavior and development pediatrician who specifically works with families who are fostering and adopting children. We live in a world in desperate need of parents for these unwanted children, but it can be a scary task for parents to take these kids into their homes.  I get reactions from people like I could never make a difference, because the damage is already done and the cycle continues for the people- A lost cause mentality. God has reminded me that this a lie directly from the enemy. We don't take on tasks for God on the basis of guaranteed success; we take them on because of a commandment to serve others and show them the hope of God. We might never see the final product of the seeds we plant, but God can take them and create miracles!

It's all nerve wracking and exciting, but through this process God has really got my heart on fire to do what I came to medical school to do. I came to get an education, so I can go and serve God's people. I want to travel overseas to Africa and Romania and serve the children. I want to serve families who adopt and foster and help them through parenting a kid with baggage and behavioral issues. I want to fill my house with foster kids and tell them,"Satan has been lying to you since day one. You are loved. You are important and I'm not going anywhere." I finally have that fire again where I want to tell satan face-to-face, "Look here moron, despite what you tell me, I can do this and God will prevail over you!" Without God, these tasks are impossible, but with God there's no end to the miracles and healing He can do! 

God has called us to so much more than cowering in the corner too scared to reach the lost and hurting, and I'm thankful He reminded me of this during worship this morning during these awesome songs:

"....Love has come and we're orphans no longer....It's rising it's rising, A song of hope from us set free..."

"...His love is fierce, His love is strong, It is furious...And it's waking hearts to life!"

So people, my message to you is to live this week with abandon and bear the burden for someone in need. Thank you Jesus for the blessings you have bestowed on us to share with others! I leave you with the last of my series of poems. This poem was written by me in my last few months living in STL. I was on fire for STL and seeing change in the city. I would go to the huge city park there and sit on a beautiful hill that overlooked a fountain by the art museum. I even had the courage to organize a prayer for the city with church members and old co-workers. I feel like I am finally back to that place of being on fire for God and on fire for change in this cold world. God is hope and He wants so much from our lives! Believe it!

I stand alone on a hill,
Seeking Your truth and presence;
Praying for Your Church,
to be on it's knees in reverence.

The Church is failing it's mission,
To spread the good news;
Our hearts work in vain,
Speaking Your words as we choose.

We bastardize the Church,
As we prostitute your teachings;
Relevance has become the goal,
It's the focus of our preachings.

Our lives are mere glimpses,
They reflect truth in only parts;
Because the Spirit is not the focus,
Leading the desires of our hearts.

We speak of revival,
A renewal of your people;
But the Church is content to stay,
Hidden behind the steeple.

Did we miss the work of Jesus,
The dirt roads he tread?
He called those from their comfort,
Abandoning lives they once lead.

Don't be deceived by the enemy,
Believing you're not to blame;
Until the world seeks His glory,
You carry a load of the shame.

Surrender your every thought,
Present it as holy offering;
Believe in the power of the Spirit,
and the majesty of the King.

May a holy fire burn deep,
A revolution is my cry;
May we drink of the Holy River,
and no longer be dry.

In the Days of Little Our Hearts Abound in Plenty

Lately, I've been thinking how I can simplify my life and get rid of the clutter interrupting God's purpose for my life. I think of the time in my life things were sweetest with Jesus, and it's when I physically had little. JESUS PLEASE TAKE ME BACK THERE BECAUSE THIS OVERLY BUSY, OVERLY STIMULATED SO-CALLED-LIFE HAS WORN OUT ITS WELCOME! Some of that process is just letting go, and saying, "God, I can't do it without you leading me." Another part of that is getting my prayer life and personal Bible reading happening again. What can I expect from Him when my prayer life is like the Mojave desert?! In addition, it's me taking charge and getting rid of the crap that clouds my relationship with God. I'm in no means saying this is how it works for everyone, but this is what I MUST do to get my life on track.

Goal #1: I finally let Go and let God, as the saying goes.
Goal #2: Prayer life and personal devotion improving, although I'm in no means reading every day which is my goal.
Goal #3: let the games begin!

How am I tackling the big #3?! Well, with #1 and #2 slowly getting on track, #3 is much easier now (are ya lost yet?) I think the biggest blaring distraction that is so obvious, but is so hard for me to give up is Facebook. I've taken mini breaks before, deleting my account and occasionally checking in, but it's never enough. I always give in to the hankering to update everyone on my life with my witty statuses or dog pictures. I want to check in to see the newest pictures of everyone's kids. Sadly, I want to check in to see what new annoying status or picture such and such posted while I was away. I see this as a waste of precious time Jesus has given me to spend with loved ones, spend with him, or serve others. Thankfully, God has been reminding the simpler times are the most precious I've had with HIM. When I had no internet or cable and my nights were spent on the floor of my apartment with a candle lit and my Bible open were the times that have been most meaningful to me. The times I had nothing in my apartment to hold my attention, forcing me to get out of my house and build relationships with new people in a new city where I felt alone. The times I had nothing but Jesus to remind me of who I was and the importance I have in the kingdom. Those moments that God spoke to me that although I had little, to someone else I had everything and I needed to be thankful and give to others what God entrusted me with.

 I was bold. My heart was sad for the brokenness around me in the city, so I yearned to see hearts change for Him. My prayer was for the city I lived in to see revival and renewing like only Jesus could bring. By golly, I want THAT fire back. Therefore, I am going to stick to my no Facebook and continue to clear the way of the distractions of our age.

I will leave you with yet another poem. Not because I think I am some great poemess (I made that word up), or that my words are wonderful. I share because these poems were written on the floor of my apartment in the times I had little. God spoke big ideas to me, because I made the room for Him to take the pen and write the story (thank you Francesca Battistelli for your new song. Holla!). I haven't written a poem in years and typically I hate writing them, but these poems are important to me because they are the words God spoke directly to my little heart years ago. The poems are my conversations with God. Enjoy.


I see the pain in her face,
The emptiness in her chest;
I yearn to erase her shame,
To put a lifetime of worries to rest.

Father, please take her anguish,
Why let her suffer so?
Take the hurt in her heart,
and let Your freedom flow.

Useless, I hear her cry,
 Aching deep from within;
I crumble at the sight,
That's where I had been.

You answered me quietly,
Acknowledging my concern;
Reminding me before we rise,
 We often fall and burn.

You tell me of the world,
 The way it was to be;
Before the fall from grace,
And the tasting of tree.

You wept in brokenness,
For the hurting down below;
It made my heart hurt,
Seeing the faithfulness you bestow.

You cried for the lonely,
The wounded and discarded;
You cried for their emptiness,
Weeping for the brokenhearted.

Shamelessly you wept,
For those who had suffered rape;
You cried for lost innocence,
And inability to escape.

Tears fell for the poor,
For those living in the street;
For the cycle of poverty,
And the uncovered feet.

Your eyes welled with pity,
For the rich people too;
Their pockets full of money,
But their hearts ached for you.

You cried for the criminals,
For which I didn't understand;
You wept to my uncontrollably,
"This is nothing like I planned."

My heart began to thump,
As Your eyes searched my face;
Tears began to fall,
Seeing the fullness of Your grace.

I felt something deep inside,
Your face staring into mine;
Your Spirit entered into me,
Our hearts now intertwine.

We mourned for the oppressed,
Your lost and wandering kingdom;
We prayed for the day,
The whole world will seek your freedom.

You reminded me to stay strong,
To not give up heart;
That Your hope forever remains,
Because our hearts will never part.

So when I am angry,
The hateful world gets me down;
You are still my worthy King,
Bearing my blood on Your crown.

The Honest Truth

This week I will be giving my testimony at a women's breakfast at Church. I am beyond nervous. I've shared before with high schoolers I will never see again, but I've never shared some of my painful truths with my peers and older women I respect. I've been pondering what to say, what part of my story to share, and I worry that I will embarrass myself. God whispered to my heart that I need to take a deep breath and remember what He has taught me. One of the most very important lessons God has blessed me with during my life as a Christian is teaching the importance of honesty and humbleness. When I finally surrendered my entire life to Christ it was through a painful and slow journey of God breaking down who I was to build me into who He wanted me to be. 

God took a self-conscious, stubborn, and scared young adult and let her life be torn down to shreds, so that he could build her into a beautiful creation for His use. I don't claim perfection. I'm still worried about what others think of me and I am extremely opinionated, but when I think of where God brought me from I can see I'm clearly not the same girl I was. 

My story has so much to tell, but I'm just going to share a snippet. The beginning of my life in college began revolved around a guy and running track. I wanted to get good grades, make friends, have fun, and become popular. I was a good student, but had no real ambition or life goal. The first two years were tumultuous to say the least. My relationship was drama filled, I struggled with D-I track, and I just wasn't in a good place in life. I was attending our campus FCA and Campus Crusade for Christ, but I rarely attended Church and God was vacant from my relationship. My heart yearned for more, but my pride and doubt didn't know how to get there. God broke me slowly, but it was up to me to say, "Yes, Lord, I hear you, please help me and make my life new."

The end of my sophomore year I was beginning to see glimpses of what God wanted, but my life looked no different. Our FCA chapter held a meeting for people interested in becoming leaders the next year, and something told me to go. I left the meeting and told my boyfriend my intentions for becoming a leader, and I knew that meant that God was to be first and not him. That conversation was the beginning of the end for my 5 year relationship. By the end of summer, I had enough courage to tell him it was over. Only through God's strength was I able to make the decision. The following months were full of tears and a heart trying to hold on to the past, but through God's provision I survived. It was an awful semester. By September I was making a C in organic chemistry and up and decided I needed to quit cross country and track and focus on school. My entire identity had been stripped from me, and there is no description for the pain I felt those few months. 

I can remember sitting in the FCA meetings being such a baby in my intimate relationship with Christ that I couldn't pray in public. I asked my team for prayer and patience and poured out my heart of brokenness to them. I'm not a big crier, but those few months I was more real with people than I ever had before. I felt inadequate and undeserving of God's presence and grace for all of my mistakes. I felt like I was not nice or deserving of the friendships God provided me. I felt too mean and opinionated to be a leader in FCA. It was the most humble and humiliating time in my life.

God was so faithful, placing amazing Christian women around me who dealt with me through all the crazy and continued to be faithful and pray with me as I continued to grow. The beginning of the next semester God introduced me to a dear friend Rachel who had gone through a similar situation, and our relationship truly taught me the importance of honesty and openness with my Christian sisters. I would never have matured without her going on prayer walks, sharing the dark places of our hearts, learning scripture, and speaking truth into my life. I have so many wonderful friends from college and afterwards that have added to my journey of honesty, but I truly think it is one of the only ways to work through some of the darkness in our lives. It's scary to be authentic with someone and to let them see your imperfections, but it brings so much freedom to say, "This is me. I desperately need God's grace and forgiveness for so much. Here I am, I am nothing else but a person in need of a savior."

I encourage each of you to let at least one person in to the darkest parts of your soul to help you become more and see the worth you have in Christ. I will leave you with a poem I wrote during the semester I gave my life back to God:

Pleasure from her pain,

Smiles from her fall;

Makes no sense,

She's guiltiest of them all.

So quick to judge,

But slow to love;

Not the heart of Jesus, Lord and Savior from Above.

Rain your Mercy, Lord,

on your lost bride below;

Erase her guilt and shame,

in place your love to show.

Release the shackles of impurity,

the weight of discontent;

Loosen the grip of deceit,

and show her what you meant.

Replace Satan's lies,

they consume her thoughts each day;

Give her whispers of encouragement,

from the One who had to pay.

Hold her when she's lonely,

embrace her through her tears;

Shout to her you've love her,

through her prostituted years.

Your bride walks the aisle,

dreams shattered and in despair;

Her dress is stained and torn,

Leaving her unfaithfulness bare.

Cover her with forgiveness,

Kiss her forehead with grace;

Remind her of the joy,

her commitment brought to your face.

A new creation she becomes,

by the ring of salvation;

No longer will she weep,

from the lost hope of temptation.

Honey, I'm home

The last 8 years since I have moved away from my parent's has been interesting. I went to school in Springfield, MO, eventually fell in love with the town, but was unable to find a job in the area after graduating. I was heartbroken, moved home for the summer, and then landed a job in the big old city of St. Louis. I packed my belongings into my Yaris- which amounted to a computer and laundry basket of clothes- and moved into my friends apartment until I found a place to live. A month later I found a quaint 1 bedroom apartment and made it home. I had no furniture, so I borrowed an air mattress from my parents, and not a plush one made for camping, a thin cheap mattress that was like an over-sized raft for a pool. One of my friend's parents caught wind that I was furniture-less, so she loaded up her mini van and brought me a bed, a small tv, tv trays, and a few movies. My mattress served as a couch until I bought a futon from Wal-Mart, I bought curtains and bathroom stuff, and my aunt and uncle lent me a kitchen table- for better or worse it was home.

I hated my first year in STL. I had a few friends, but they were often too busy to hang out. I found a church I was uber stoked about, met a few awesome people, but later left the church due to some personal convictions (long story). My job paid the bills, I met some nice people, but overall hated it because it was a contract position and not guaranteed long-term labor. I was still contemplating med school and was stressed on how I could possibly pay for study materials. Most of my nights that first year were spent cooking dinner alone, being scared of the peeping Tom in my apartment complex, drinking St. James wine out of my Wal-Mart mugs, and watching the 3 movies my friend lent me over and over again. I would mix it up with renting movies at Family video and eating sour straws on a good night. It was miserable, lonely, and I wanted to move far away. I was depressed and ready to see a psychiatrist, but God picked me up and planted some amazing friends in my life.

I became part of new church plant serving the inner city population. I was extremely involved in a small group, and they were the most amazing group of individuals I had ever met. We laughed, cried, ate pie, and shared our deepest thoughts with one another- exactly what the Church body should be. I moved into a new apartment with an acquaintance, which had some rough patches, but I was able to save a ton of money to help pay for med school admittance. I met my future husband. I fell in love with STL, the amazing restaurants, the beautiful city parks, the people, and best of all the architecture. I matured and was flourishing. I decided to finally applyto medical school, and got accepted in KC, MO which meant ANOTHER move. Almost 3 years ago I moved to KC and started a new adventure, with hopes of returning to my beloved STL some day.

My first year of medical school was rough, all I did was study and avoid gun shots in my neighborhood. I lived in a hospital converted to apartments across from my school, planned a wedding, lived 3.5 hrs from my fiance, and studied my butt off. It was stressful to say the least, and KC was not my favorite place to be. I missed my friends in STL, and felt unsettled in KC. Once I married, I figured I would feel more at home in KC but that wasn't the case.

Robert and I moved from hospital apartment to a large apartment with wood floors in a better part of the city with little furniture and a new puppy. It was a nice apartment but looked barren with our lack of furniture and decor. We had time to check out some of the fun places in KC, but to me, nothing compared to STL. Robert got hired as a head pastor 30 minutes away to a small suburban area, and he spent a lot of time with daily commutes. We lost eligibility for the housing grant once Robert had a full time job, so we decided to find a home near the church. Here I was, a woman who grew to love the city life and urban church, moving out to a farming community with rows of houses that all look the same. My worst nightmare and something I swore I'd never do. Not to mention it was the 10th time in 8 years I had moved, so nothing felt like home.

We found a split level house that wasn't my dream, but it would do. We painted a few rooms, I hated all the colors, and spent months looking a the walls hating my house. Don't get me wrong, I was thankful for a house but it just didn't feel like home. We grew to love our church congregation (we still do in fact), but it has not been an easy road for me. I was terrified to be a pastor's wife of traditional Southern Baptist church. I grew in a SB church that was judgmental and legalistic, and I swore I'd never go to one again (catching the trend?). I instantly loved the people, but going back to Sunday school, organs, and dressing up for church was not an easy adjustment. In my mind it was a temporary situation while Robert and I were in school, but I had no plans of staying longer than our schooling.

I've slowly warmed up 'the burbs', and life in the KC metro, and my awesome church family but it's been a long process. Ask my husband, he will tell you of all the annoying times I told him about how someday we would be back in STL. Last week I had the opportunity of going back to my old stomping grounds in STL, and it felt so foreign driving in the crazy traffic into the city I'd dreamed about the past 3 years. In my mind it was still 'home', but my reality was changed once I went back. I got to enjoy catching up with old friends, seeing the beautiful buildings, and eating amazing food, all things that KC can't compete with, but in the end it no longer felt like home. I will always love my STL, but driving away I had the feeling that maybe I won't be back to live there after all. It makes me a bit sad, but I learned that home is where my husband is and where God has provided us to live. I came home last week feeling renewed and excited to make my home with Robert. God really did a work in my heart and now I can come home at night and say, "Honey, I'm HOME," and mean that 100%.

Putting life on Pause from Social Media

I have been taking a hiatus from Facebook, and who knows, maybe it will be a permanent change. Every now and then I get the itch to find out what's happening in the lives of my Facebook friends, so I login and am quickly reminded why it was time for me to step away. Aside from the fact I spend way too much time staring at the perfectly portrayed lives of my FB friends, I have become more and more irritated by the internet world. My opinions on life have taken deep roots in my being, and at the ripe age of 27 I am old, cantankerous and easily annoyed. It's not like I am proud of this fact, but I reached a point I could no longer login without rolling my eyes from some ridiculous post or status. I got in an argument on one of my friend's statuses, she erased the thread, and I said, "Self, it's time to quit wasting time with your panties in a wad over other people's opinions."

I am by no means perfect and my opinions are not the only ones exist- although, I do think I am always right ;)- but it was just time to throw in the towel. I know I am not the only one feeling the pressure and annoyance from the FB world. There are now the options to block statuses and pick and choose what you see from their profiles. Ridiculous. It's like you don't want to offend this so called friend, so you feel better about yourself by staying friends with them and blocking their info. I was doing this by the masses, and realized it was so dumb to be friends with a boatload of people I never talk to and their pictures and opinionated arrogant statuses made me burn with anger. Clearly, I was not in a healthy state of mind. The absolute worst part was when my own real life friends posted things that made irritated me. The guilt of blocking my actual friends...dun, dun, dun... was terrible.

I used to enjoy social media, but no mas. I can longer deal with political rants trying to sway the other side of how bad they are and how right you are. Nope, can't take it. I am done with postings about abortion, gay marriage, and gun control. I have strong convictions about all of these issues, but people, do you really think we don't know your opinions already? The 10 previous statuses made that clear, and sorry but the other side will not be swayed by your mass postings. I can longer roll my eyes at one more status about your awesome workout, your fabulous diet or supplements, or your wonderful lifestyle that is so much better than everyone elses'. I think my eyes are permanently crossed from all the eye rolling. I also cannot bite my tongue at one more ridiculous posts from "google scholars" on medical treatments, causes of disease, the treatments doctors are hiding because we are controlled by big pharma, etc. I am done with the doctor bashing, folks. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels their profession is constantly under attack by false claims and misrepresentation on social media. I found myself exhausted and frustrated every time I clicked through your perfect pictures that you so carefully chose to show how sweet and wonderful your life is. Dude, we know the truth...

The truth is life is messy. My house is covered in dog fur 24/7. My ceilings have a bit of wall paint splattered around the corners in each room, because I am too lazy to touch it up. My clothes don't quite fit like they did 2.5 years ago when I started medical school, and I often don't have the energy or motivation to go the gym at 8 at night after working all day to get my sexy body back. I try to eat healthy, but dang it I love grains, dairy, and all things dessert (Sue me). I'm often so stressed with school and managing a house and attempting to be a good wife, that I'm a bit snippy with my husband often on a daily basis (Thank goodness the man still loves me). I freely admit here and now that I am 27 and I've never voted. I am often ashamed of it, but my gosh, politics overwhelm me and I hate the political fighting and FB temper tantrums people throw. Maybe next election...

I'm going to be a doctor because I have always dreamed of working with children and GOD called me to this awesome profession. I love helping people, challenges, studying, counseling people, and medicine provided the perfect outlet. Medicine isn't perfect and the healthcare system isn't perfect, but by golly I'm excited to a doctor.

I feel like a weight has been lifted since I stepped away from the FB world, and I have pursued each day much happier than I did a few weeks ago. I no longer feel bad about being me. As women we are always comparing ourselves to one another, and I think FB is a dangerous place to live because it feeds this unhealthy obsession. Life is about how God convicts you to live, but it is not your job to pressure someone to live out your convictions. This has been a huge realization for me as well. Women, no matter if you are working or staying home / sending your kids to public school or homeschooling/ birthing at home or in the hospital /cloth diapering or store diapers /making every meal healthy or eating out a few times a week/ republican or democrat/ run 5 miles a day or only get exercise chasing your kids around/ the list could go on... be who GOD called YOU to be. Pray to God to convict you of the areas you need to work on and live like He leads you to and gain guidance from His word. This may be very different for each women, and that is the beauty of it all. I'm continuing to pray for conviction in my own life and patience to love each person for their unique attributes God has blessed them with.